Rubens, Rubens, you've been sniffin';
On the thinner you've been whiffin'.
This stuff makes you lose your mind
Because it's pure turpentine.

It makes you groggy; you'll keel over,
Where you once were once standing up.
One minute you're fine on your legs. . .
Oh no! You've whipped out the cup!

Rubens, Rubens, now you're drinkin'
Min'ral spirits; that can't be
A good thing to do; it souses
You worse than a sniffin' spree.

Now I'd advise you not to light
Your pipe, or a fiery plight
Might blight your mighty bite--teeth-white
Site. . .quite an unsightly sight.

Rubens, Rubens, sniffin', drinkin,
Spiritus that ain't frumenti.
Better air our your apartment,
Or you'll go explosively.