I got me a gnome for my bungalow home;
With fake deer and flamingos he'll stay.
These pink plastic birds will never disgorge turds.
Plaster guy is not rowdy all day.

Gnomes, gnomes are so strange--
Scary leer painted on plaster face.
Amid plastic birds, they look like elfin nerds
Where canines from the pound leave their trace.

It's an awful sight, to see my gnome at night
If you're skittering back from a bar.
With shitfaced eyes glazed, you gape and are amazed. . .
Taller than that toothy movie star.

Gnome, gnome is so strange--
Scary sneer on a teeth-flashing face
That sells us the words of dissed scourge named Hubbard. . .
Like lines from "Plan Nine from Outer Space."

He's from the outland; from Paramount he's banned;
To Lauer, Shields, and Oprah he screamed.
At least gnome on my lawn doesn't buy the con
That by a snakeoil salesman was dreamed.

No, I would not exchange my gnome for the deranged
Guy I fear with all marbles don't play.
My swell, dumb fixed nerd don't dish out absurd words
Of a guy, laughed to the bank all way.