~
On my first Brookstone® Christmas, my TruLuv© gave to me
i-Can Drive-Forever™ porta-potty
~
On my second Brookstone® Christmas, my TruLuv© gave to me
Two Gin-zu™ Brie knives
And some high tech kitty litter called SweetPee™
~
On my third Brookstone® Christmas, my TruLuv© gave to me
Three Pine-Hibachi's™
Two Tents-With-Doorbells™
And that Scooter-With-Espresso-Maker-Seat™
~
On my fourth Brookstone® Christmas, my TrueLuv© gave to me
Four Nick-Hating Ho's™
Three Nose-Muffs™
Tu-tu's-of-Tibet™
And a Laser-Made-For-Lev-el-ing-One's-Teets™
~
On my fifth Brookstone® Christmas, my TrueLuv© gave to me
FIVE BIN-LADBLINGS™
For-eign Foppster™ Fezz
Three Right-Wings™
Two Tatts-fer-TaTa's™
And an Archimede's-Screw™ sex-swing for three
~
On my sixth Brookstone® Christmas, my TruLuv© gave to me
Six low-carb FUndies™
FIVE GIBSON ZINGS™
Four NoFault-Depends™
Three Sean Pens™
Tu-na C.O.D.™
And a Helicopter-With-Ejector-Seat™
~
On my seventh Brookstone® Christmas, my TruLuv© gave to me
Seven Pick-Six Fix-Tricks™
Six Shards o' Plenty™
FIVE 'PAUL'S-EX' RINGS™ (McCartney, that is)
For-tuitous Peeks™
3M Stock™
Two Too-Tense-For-Words™
And a Mister Coffee GPS™ that's sweeeeet! (Look—it knows its right here!)
~
On my eighth Brookstone® Christmas, my TruLuv© gave to me
8-tracks-of-Yani™
Seven Chunders-Hurling™
Six Vous-Klux-Cannes-ers™
FIVE JERRY SPRINGS™
Four Drive-Thru-iPods™
Three Dog Knight™
Tu-tankhamen Tucks™
And DaVinci's Load™ sex booklets in 3-D
~
On my ninth Brookstone® Christmas, my TruLuv© gave to me
Nine Nichole-Smith Spice(d)-Racks™
Eight Flavored-Drain-Snakes™
Seven-packs of Clappers™
Six Toddler-Tan-Booths™
FIVE MOLDRIN'-MINGS™
Four TIVO-4-Dogs™
Three-Rupees!™ (about 2 cents U.S.)
Tu-pelo-Toupee™
And a 'high-def' guy-thong called the Manshee™
~
On my tenth Brookstone® Christmas, my TruLuv© gave to me
Ten Chest-Hair-Wigglets™
Nine James Blunt Barf-Bags™
8 'Spears' Annulments™
Seven Suri-Scopers™
Six Needless-Mark-Ups™
FIVE PUBES-OF-STING'S™
For-ty-bucks-to-ship™
Three-Two-Pun™
Tu-pac's Will-Maker™
And a Gallons-Per-Mile Gauge™ for my RV
~
On my eleventh Brookstone® Christmas, my TrueLuv© gave to me
Eleven Primip Pushers™
Ten-tinabulation™
Nine-Inch-Nails Thumbtacks™
Size-8 J-Lo Boo-Tease™
Seven Simpson LipSinks™
Six Madonna "Boinkies™"
FIVE FETISH-FLINGS™
For-tinbras Faux-Pas™
Three Spooges™
Toodles PortaLoo™
And a life-size Pocketable Mini-Me™ (its scratch 'n sniff!)
~
On my twelfth Brookstone® Christmas, my PISSED WIFE threw at me
Twelve tattered SkyMalls™
'leven Will Sonomas™
Ten L.L. Bean'ers™
Nine Hammy Schlemmers™
Eight Crate 'n Barrels™
Seven Sharper Immys™
Six Vickie's Secrets™
FIVE BROOKSTONE'S FLINGED!™
Four Linens-N-Things™
Three Lands' Ends™
Two Plow & Hearths™
And a well-worn Condom Country* Jubilee!™


{ FOLLOWING SPOKEN BY CRINGING, WHIPPED-DOG OF A HUSBAND WHO APPEARS TO BE DYING THE 'DEATH OF A THOUSAND PAPER CUTS' }

"I''m reallllly sorrrrrrry, Honey! But...I thought you loved all the stuff I've been getting you from Petsmart™ these last eleven years!"
(...ominous, wet-crumpling sounds reminiscent of huge telephone book-like catalogs thudding against soft cranium followed by incoherent mewlings....)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

* TruLuv.com - My busy wife's demographics driven, automated gift-buying service

**Condom Country (Jubilee part made up) - apparently a real, catalog...er, um... according to a *friend*, and really puts the 'X' back in X-mas!