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Song Parodies -> "If You Don't Want Hepatitis (Wash Your Hands)"

Original Song Title:

"'If You're Happy and You Know It (Clap Your Hands)"

Original Performer:


Parody Song Title:

"If You Don't Want Hepatitis (Wash Your Hands)"

Parody Written by:

Tommy Turtle

The Lyrics

Not directly related to Red Ant's "If You're Anal and You Know It (Leave Us Spam!)", but the idea of using this OS came from there.
If you don't want hepatitis, wash your hands (wash, wash)
Rinses off the bugs that bite us; wash your hands (wash, wash)
So, stop spreading sinusitis
Common cold, conjunctivitis
Asian flu, appendicitis;
Wash your hands!

And, PLEASE, after using restroom, wash your hands (soap, soap)
It's the parasitic pest room - wash your hands (soap, soap)
Ev'ry time you touch your penis
Or (for women) Mound of Venus
From diseases you should screen us
Wash your hands!

When you've finished love you're making, wash your hands (scrub, scrub)
If it's mine you might be shaking, wash your hands (scrub, scrub)
Be-fore prepping food or baking
This advice you should be taking:
Sanitation not forsaking,
Wash your hands!

At the end of Jacking off, go wash your hands (rinse, rinse)
Doctor: "Turn your head and cough"; Doc, wash your hands! (rinse, rinse)
People hate when you correct 'em
Have you washed your hands and checked 'em?
Dear God, after wiping rectum
Wash your hands!!!

I was going to use this space to thank you, Red Ant, but instead I'll just plug in the phone, Jack, and call you, OK? OS might be here. © 2006 Tommy Turtle

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Voting Results

Pacing: 4.5
How Funny: 4.1
Overall Rating: 4.2

Total Votes: 24

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   1
 2   2
 3   0
 4   2
 5   19

User Comments

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John Barry - March 13, 2006 - Report this comment
Nice hand job. 5s
Rick C - March 13, 2006 - Report this comment
I should probably wash my hands after reading this. :-) 555
alvin rhodes - March 13, 2006 - Report this comment
so what do ya do if you WANT it ?....i'm dying to know...great title..5s
Red Ant - March 13, 2006 - Report this comment
Great stuff Tommy Turtle. I always wash my hands BEFORE I use the restroom too; after all, so many surfaces are of questionable cleanliness. I wouldn't want any of that on my Slick Willie, heh heh. Not a germ freak by any means, but I used to work at a wastewater plant; that should be sufficient explanation in itself.

"Dear God, after wiping rectum"; reminds me of George Carlin's view of this (to paraphrase): 'I wash my hands...if I s*** on them, which only happens 2, maybe 3 times a week'
AFW - March 13, 2006 - Report this comment
I sang Happy Birthday to myself, twice...after reading this...funny lines..and to think that all this time, I never knew Appendicitis was contagious...five washes
TT - March 13, 2006 - Report this comment
John B., Rick C., alvin, Red Ant, AFW, thanks.

alvin, I was once in the restroom of a Cracker Barrel restaurant; the manager came in, used the toilet, walked out without washing, and walked right into the kitchen. Sorta lost my appetite for the rest of dinner, but if you really want hepatitis, eating there should do it.
Stuart McArthur - March 13, 2006 - Report this comment
excellent, TT - some fantastic rhyming and clever ideas everywhere - 555
Karma Halliwell - March 13, 2006 - Report this comment
TT - March 13, 2006 - Report this comment
Stuart and Karma, thanks!
jango - March 13, 2006 - Report this comment
If you want to laugh out loud, read this song (3 5s)!
Larry Hensley - March 14, 2006 - Report this comment
Lots of funny lines, 5s
TT - March 14, 2006 - Report this comment
jango, Larry Hensley, thanks! LH, nice to see you again!
Luke Brattoni - March 15, 2006 - Report this comment
Hilarious! Now go wash your mouth.
TT - March 15, 2006 - Report this comment
Thanks, Luke; nice to see you again!
Will really need mouth-washing after what I (hope I) posted for today!
Phil Alexander - March 15, 2006 - Report this comment
After writing this wee ditty - wash your hands
For your keyboard may be shitty - wash your hands
Make your fingernails all pretty
Not disgusting, brown and gritty
Else it sure would be a pity, wash your hands

...but I'm not sure that any of the forms of hepatitis would be contagious simply from unwashed hands. But who cares, anyway.. this was fun :-) The other hospital bug might go something like this:
To reduce that MRSA, wash your hands
Cleanliness, it is the best way, wash your hands
So to try and make it less, eh
You must not be oh so messay
Do I have to write an essay? Wash your hands
TT - March 15, 2006 - Report this comment
Phil, thanks! You must be on a hospital staph, no? Nice follow-on; feel free to extend into a full-fledged sequel (with appropriate credit, of course; see RA's ode to G. Harrison's "research", i.e. plagiarism. :)
Good rhyme for MRSA; betcha can't rhyme the uncontracted phrase :)
Spread of Hep A can be by:"Eating food that has been prepared by someone who is infected with the hepatitis A virus and who has poor hygiene" This happened in a restaurant near me; it was closed down after a number of people got Hep, traced to an infected and unhygienic cook. That story was the main inspiration for the parody idea.
Peter Andersson a.k.a K1chyd - March 15, 2006 - Report this comment
I didn't feel washed up after only four verses! Luckily it was contagious enough for Phil to get down and dirty on his keyboard and give us more! Best one I've read today!
Phil Alexander - March 15, 2006 - Report this comment
Well, you learn something new every day... ISTR reading that the viruses (viri?) that cause hepatitis are fairly fragile beasties, but that was probably talking more about Hep b... The "uncontracted phrase"? Not entirely sure what you mean, but:
If your phrase is uncontracted - wash your hands
For it must not be contacted - wash your hands
So before you have been smacked-ed
In your face it has impacted
Do not stop or get distracted - wash your hands
TT - March 15, 2006 - Report this comment
Peter K1, thank you!

Phil, my bad; I realize that "contracted" had a different connotation in a disease parody. I meant it in the linguistic sense (but, come to think of it, it was a pretty good accidental pun!), i. e.: Can you make a rhyme for " Methicillin Resistant Staphylococcus Aureus", of which "MRSA" is a "contraction"? If you can, you're a better man than I am, Grungied In! (rotten pun on "Gunga Din") Good Lord willin', persistent pal Phil will rock us, not bore-ee us!
Phil Alexander - March 16, 2006 - Report this comment
"Methicillin Resistant Staphylococcus Aureus"... check the scansion on that one... now there's an idea :-) OK, I'll have a go
Michael Pacholek - April 22, 2008 - Report this comment
How did I miss this gem? It must've been posted when I was in the bathroom.
Tommy Turtle - September 11, 2008 - Report this comment
Michael Pacholek, how did I miss your comment? It must've been posted while I was in my shell. Thanks, MP.
Glen S - March 30, 2012 - Report this comment
Excellent rhyme scheme. And educational too. Great work with the OS. I'll have to check out Red's when I have a chance.
Tommy Turtle - March 31, 2012 - Report this comment
Glen S: Thanks for the kind v/c. And yes, this parody had a "germ" of truth to it. (rotten pun -- OUCH! ;)
Peregrin - August 25, 2012 - Report this comment
What a dirty parody! One should wash one's hands of the whole thing! :)
Pontius PilaTTe - August 26, 2012 - Report this comment
I take no responsibility for this parody whatsoever. Do with the turtle as you will. (However, flogging is somewhat less effective against turtles than against humans. Clever creatures, they. No wonder they've been around for about 2 million years longer than humans.)

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