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Song Parodies -> "Tiger Woods' White Christmas"

Original Song Title:

"White Christmas"

Original Performer:

Bing Crosby

Parody Song Title:

"Tiger Woods' White Christmas"

Parody Written by:

Tommy Turtle

The Lyrics

TT noticed Tiger's preferences early on, but guessed it must be P. Incorrect to mention. Then a relative sent me an Internet "story" about the Rev. Al Sharpton blasting Woods' "racism" in not having any Black mistresses. Politics makes strange bedfellows, and when TT finds himself agreeing with "Sharpton", there's a parody in there somewhere.

The original first verse is usually dropped in later versions, but it's in this OS lyric here.

The sun is shining,
I'm on the green
My putter puts "putz" in play
My "driver" "hooks" just one way
'Cause only white girls, I lay
Though Cablinasian, I like to say, [1]
I "shoot" at only Caucasian prey

I'm dreaming of such white bliss-ness
Unlike the ones I used to know
Where the pink tips glisten
It's there, I'm kissin'
Ja-net, Leigh-belles; white as snow

Slime: steaming off: non-white "sis", diss
I married Swiss miss, blond and bright
Maid, I pay; she: furi-ous, quite
Elin Nordegren's Christmas turned to blight


Eyes gleaming at their white "business"
Just like two buns of fresh-baked dough
As their "traps" I christen
And do my jissin'
In dear playmates, all aglow

I'm creaming with such white wist-ness
With ev'ry hush-up check I write
"May your lips be cherry and tight"
And may all my mistresses be white

[1] Woods' self-description, a contraction of "CAucasian, BLack, (native american) INdian, and ASIAN.

Actual proportion, delightfully eclectic: Half Asian (1/4 Chinese, 1/4 Thai), 1/4 African-American, 1/8 Native American, and 1/8 Dutch.
(Odd that he goes only for the Dutch type, eh?)

Fiddlegirl had absolutely *nothing* to do with this parody. In fact, I doubt she'd even *want* anything to do with it. Why, I'll bet she wouldn't even touch it with my ten-inch -- n/m.

© 2009 Tommy Turtle. All rights reserved. E-mail:

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Original Song: 
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Voting Results

Pacing: 4.6
How Funny: 4.7
Overall Rating: 4.6

Total Votes: 21

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   1
 2   0
 3   1
 4   2
 5   17

User Comments

Comments are subject to review, and can be removed by the administration of the site at any time and for any reason.

Old Man Ribber - December 18, 2009 - Report this comment
Still lost in the woods I see. Keep going! ;D
Matthias - December 18, 2009 - Report this comment
Everybody's been doing Tiger to death here on Amiright lately so much that we forgot about the important things in life.... Like Balloon Boy!
John Barry - December 18, 2009 - Report this comment
But are his balls white?
Mark Scotti - December 18, 2009 - Report this comment
Right on the green(or "the white'?) with this one!!!
2Eagle - December 18, 2009 - Report this comment
Oooh, are the trolls out tonight or is the One - er a fan? Good parody.
Andria - December 18, 2009 - Report this comment
Another great parody about what could be the worst scandal to hit the game of golf since they found out that the Titleist ProV1 golfball violated almost every patent Callaway had on golfballs. And I thought there was only so much one could do with a golfball! I enjoyed this parody a lot, and will vote accordingly. It seems like Tiger has never expressed any interest in turtles, or fiddlegirls, or borderline insane redheaded pawn-shop clerks who spend too much time writing parodies and drinking booze. Par for the course is 555.
Tommy Turtle - December 18, 2009 - Report this comment
Old Man Ribber: LOL! Thanks for v/c!

Matthias: Which is why TT wasn't gonna touch Tiger -- until this new angle got some public traction, as per intro, then the parallel and title switch were *irresistible* -- sort of like Britney would be to Tiger... Thanks for v/c!

John Barry: Apparently! ROFLMAO! .. but hey, at least the white girls straighten out his putts! Thanks, John!

Mark Scotti: *Everyone's* on a comment roll here! Thanks for yet another laugh -- I'm gittin' as many (or more) than I'm givin'! (Or as TT the Economist would say, "Strongly postitive ROI" [return on investment]). Thanks, Mark!

2Eagle: Didn't think Tiger had any fans left, except for maybe Hugh Hefner, and (fill in the blanks with politicians, athletes, etc.) Must have stepped on someone's toes with the cleated golf shoes... Thanks for v/c!

Andria: Tiger not doing this turtle is fine, TUVM :) And methinks all red-headed pawn-shop clerks (so *you're* the evil hacker who's always "pwned" computers! -- little tech geek joke there) are the better off without him -- except for the high price he pays to unpawn his jewels from your vault :-) Thanks for v/c!
AFW - December 18, 2009 - Report this comment
Even the old groaner might give a compl. groan to this one
Fiddlegirl - December 18, 2009 - Report this comment
My dear partner, you are absolutely right. [But I gave it all 5s anyway...] ;)
Andy Primus - December 18, 2009 - Report this comment
Hilarious - LOL @ traps & jissin' - surprised you got away with that one
Tommy Turtle - December 18, 2009 - Report this comment
AFW: Thanks, I think :)

Fiddlegirl: How charitable of you! I prostate myself before you in humble thanks and awe at your awesome magnanimosity in condescending to shower your blessings on this most unworthy one. ;)

Andy Primus: The trick is to use words that are perfectly legit -- drivers, traps, hook, all golf terms. (The other is kinda obscure slang that maybe isn't quite so offensive as the usual four-letter Anglo-Sexonisms.) Thanks for v/c!
John Jenkins - December 18, 2009 - Report this comment
Very good parody and excellent last line, but he married a Swede miss.
FG @ TT - December 18, 2009 - Report this comment
Well, it's about time. ;) [1]

[1] hehehe (xo)
Tommy Turtle - December 18, 2009 - Report this comment
John Jenkins: Ahh, they all look alike.

(Tiger's women, that is - all blue-eyed blondes :) .... I think that "Swiss miss" was such an oh-so-perfect sub for "Christmas", that, well, we see what we want to see, and so I did...Thanks for the catch and the v/c .

TT @ FG: Did you not notice the "prostate" trouble caused by your rejection (sniff)? *not* a typo! [1]

[1] he he he yourself :) .. geez, teach 'em a little HTML, and they go hog-wild with it. (S: *proud* -- *very* proud! Who sez ya can't teach LAMBs tech stuff? - xoxoxo muah!)
TJC - December 19, 2009 - Report this comment
Bliss Miss beats Bris mas every time! This was hilarity on a par with Kristof's Gem of yesterday--I can just hear ol' Bing crooning out the naughty bits with effortless, masterful phrasing!
Tommy Turtle - December 19, 2009 - Report this comment
TJC: It's more likely that Bing is spinning in his grave, but it *would* be soooo funny to hear him croon this (and post on EweTube, my upcoming web site :-) ... Thanks for v/c!
TJC - December 19, 2009 - Report this comment
EweTewebe... has a certain ring to it! (and I completely agree with your analysis of your 'Swiss Miss' get!)
Tommy Turtle @ TJC - December 19, 2009 - Report this comment
Shall we go in as partners? Ewe have the audio/visual tools and skills, I have some of the puter tech skills ...hopefully, ewe have the startup capital, cuz I sure-as-heck don't :) .. Idea! We sell stock... a new dot-com investment! They'll grab it up just like they did for the online pet food store and all those others! It worked soooo welll in the late 90s!

EweTube.... The site for discerning, sheep-loving gentleman ranchers and farmhands everywhere... It's killer!
Red Ant - December 19, 2009 - Report this comment
"Swiss Miss" was a great sub. Excellent parody, TT. This parody idea was floating around in my head, but I only got to "I'm creaming on a white mistress", which you basically did in the last verse. Awesome. 5s.

There's been a score of TW jokes lately, but this one I think is the best (author unknown):

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy , you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these b*tches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Jack Wilson - December 19, 2009 - Report this comment
5s for that and the comment above me LOLOL You got away with jizzin? lOL check out my Barry Mann parody Im surprised that got through, glad it did though
Christie Marie M - December 19, 2009 - Report this comment
Talk about Jungle Fever! Ebony and Ivory live together in perfect harmony! That's one "tiger" that belongs in the wild! 5's!
Tommy Turtle - December 19, 2009 - Report this comment
Red Ant: GMTA :-) .. and so do warped ones ;). ... This struck *very* quickly after reading K1's comment @ KR Thurs. Great joke! Thanks for coming out of the Anthill to share joke, read, and v/c!

Jack Wilson: A couple of other times, too..... Sure, give me the link to yours I did v/c on the last one you subbed -- I've been here Wed/Thu/Fri this week. (Mon and often Tue are usually slammed @ work -- isn't everyone?) Thanks for v/c!

Christie Marie M: IMHO, this is one "tiger" that needs to be caged -- and that's as a card-carrying member of PETA (seriously -- wouldn't all turtles be?). .... Welcome back! Hope you had a grrrrrrrrreeeaaat vacation (says Boney The Tiger), and thanks for v/c!
blackjack21 - December 19, 2009 - Report this comment
Another ace for the Turtle. 555 Tiger is now 14 over par and out of contention to stay married.
Jack Wilson - December 19, 2009 - Report this comment
Tommy Turtle - December 19, 2009 - Report this comment
blackjack21: Thanks! How many are left in the deck for the turtle? ... 'course, a lotta people think he isn't playin' with a full deck (or shoe) anyway. :-D ... LOL at the scoreboard -- or as you say at the table, "busted" :-)

Jack Wilson: Thanks, will have a look. I've asked for the wrong link to be removed, as a favor to you. Hope that was OK.
Jack Wilson - December 20, 2009 - Report this comment
Thats alright thanks!
Adagio - December 21, 2009 - Report this comment
He IS being P.C. Woods chose one of his parts, didn't he? And since when did P.C. play any role in lust!! (Insert preaching here).
Tommy Turtle - December 22, 2009 - Report this comment
Adagio, thanks for v/c. (PC referred to "not pointing out the fact that he was highly selective, going with only the 1/8 part of his heritage, and not any of the other 7/8 -- no Asian, Black, or Native American women. Not to his lust, but to the reluctance to point out that fact..) Thanks for stopping by!
SOTM - December 23, 2009 - Report this comment
Actually, Tiger first saw Elin in a compromising position with their gardener Juan and pulled out his golf gun. It made a big hole-in-Juan. (Please don't sue me ,Bob and Tom).
UnKNownVotrix - December 23, 2009 - Report this comment
. . I read that it was his Siamese 'Mom' that selected/approved his SnowWhite bride ! !
Tommy Turtle - December 23, 2009 - Report this comment
SOTM: (Is that a *nomination*? Very honored either way, TUVM ;-) ) LOL @ joke! ... So are you saying she was Elin Ready? (bad, TT, baaad).; Thanks for v/c! (/n?)

UnKNownVotrix: Oh, no! Next, he'll be doing the Seven Dwarves! 8-O ... Thanks for comment!
Lindsey Vonn - March 18, 2013 - Report this comment
And here I thought he liked me for myself ... (sniff) ... I heard rumors about Tiger getting back with his ex-wife, because he was seen around with her. When the rumors proved false, some mean people said that what started them was that I look just like his wife, so they probably mistook me for her.

I guess I look just like all his mistresses, too. Wish I'd read this parody before deciding to start dating him. Oh, well ... Besides, if he thinks that golf clubs can do a lot of damage to an SUV or a person, someone should tell him that world-class ski racers sharpen the edges of their skis to razor-sharp.

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