When I’m at home with my fish, sometimes I play with their pump
And with the tube in my hand, I shove it up my rump!
Filling me like a balloon, at a Macy’s parade
Like a bloated Barney Fife, I see I’ll need glade
There I am... clenching my cheeks to restrain
The cavalcade of many farts, but there’s no stopping this train
Feels like I could burp... can’t walk or my cheeks chirp
While it goes through my mind, that I’m a "depraved twerp!"
How it moves me inside, I can’t refrain from cheap thrills
Just as long as my poor winded fish keep flapping their gills
They can safely breathe, for an hour or two
Holding back the gas that I got up the Yazoo
Down on the floor - hissing sounds from my rear
I ordered a pizza - I’ll wait till they get here
You know I really can’t resist, I’m just a juice bootie clown
An idea for jackass, ‘bout to go down
I make the score - when I open the door
And suddenly, the nerve gas starts to spray from my drawers
When the pizza man, gets a wind of my ploy
He runs away nauseated - free pizza to enjoy!


I need glade!
I need glade!


Boredom, tears my eyes - can’t sleep
I’m so glad I have a dog when I’m about to weep
Who can make me laugh, when there’s doldrums and trouble
I take off my slippers, and Yo! he’s there in a double
Licking my toes - getting all the crud caught in between
Drooling on my feet, till they’re polished squeaky clean
I’m not so blue, after his lickins through
He would go on forever, if I wanted him to
Who taught him that? It must be his nature
It sure! beats getting a pedicure
Pleasure shoots through my arches and into my heels
His tongue bath, made me feel like I’m on wheels
Unexpectedly a fart, silently changes the scene
Now I’m gagging for air, without the slightest warn-ing
Dog odors aren’t fun - it’s one down side
I’m left to wonder - How many of my brain cells died?

I Need glade
I Need glade

I’m having issues thinking, always blinking, like blondes do
‘Touched’ in the head, I like to eat fondue
Cheese, meat, I always dine at home
With my dog begging eagerly, dropping his bone
I forget things when I cook - I leave pots charred
I’ll get pizza, but from cookin’ I should be barred
I’ll be grilling tri-tip or a nice rib-eye
Next thing you know everything will go awry
I’ll see the smoke plume, in the room
It seems to happen so much, I feel like a buffoon
My friends are repulsed - all are taken aback
When they go to the kitchen and everything is black
It’s like a war zone, I won’t lie, you shouldn’t go there
I take every opportunity for freshening the air
You would recoil - at this id-i-ot
I got to get, the only thing that remedies it

I need glade
I need glade

People can think I’m strange and a twerpus
A recluse out to brunch, a fool without purpose
Music, films, T.V., radio commercials
An iconoclast loves embracing controversials
Malaproping, trying to be a real ham
To sometimes be belligerent and jeer all that’s canned
Upset you, you’re consumers and you need products
You’re wallet jingles like crazy when you got the bucks
In your hand, and on demand, they start Christmas too soon
When you live hand to mouth - you don’t dance to their tune
If I’ve brought a smile, or if you had a good laugh
You don’t have to pay me, or my writing staff
I don’t come to you with false pretences in this life
I’m simply stirring the pot, while eschewing more strife
A Drill Sergeant’s call with a certain niche
So I Lionely tell you, GET UP OFF YOUR KIESH!

We need glade
We need glade


World, listen to me
When I be sitting in my room, all alone, staring at the wall,
Parodies, they go through my mind.
And, I’ve come to realize that, we need to laugh.
And if you want to laugh at me world, it’s alright laugh
I can take it, I’ll see you.