Goodbye pork and beans
Wished I'd never chewed you at all
You had the gas within yourself
That led to my downfall

I sprawled out on the woodwork,
And I whispered in so much pain,
"Please help me, I feel so ill -
I got too close to that flame ! "

Call emergency - I burned my ass
On a candle, breaking wind
Never knowing how much pain this stunt would land me in
Now I'm wishing I'd never done that
I acted so stupid
I dropped my pants not long before
Onto that flame I slid

Drunkenness was fun
The biggest drink bar-tenders made
How I would guzzle like a superstar
My brain was the price I paid

Then my buddies tried
To impress each other through
That old stupid candle game
Where your flatulence would turn a flame blue

Call emergency - I burned my ass
On a candle, breaking wind
All my buddies howled with laughter till they smelled burnt skin
Now I'm wishing I'd never done that
I'm feeling so stupid
My buddies cheered not long before
Onto that flame I slid

Goodbye pork and beans
Wished I'd never chewed you at all
You had the gas within yourself
That led to my downfall

Goodbye pork and beans
Now I'm in the burn ward's 22nd row
I see you as something no longer edible
Just a source of flatulence and woe

I still can't believe - I burned my ass
On a candle, breaking wind
I was laughing like a drunk fool till the pain set in
Now the burn unit is my new home
And I feel so languid
The doctors here are wonderful
They gave me Di-lau-did