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Song Parodies -> "I Am The Lay"

Original Song Title:


Original Performer:

Village People

Parody Song Title:

"I Am The Lay"

Parody Written by:

Tommy Turtle

The Lyrics

Since this author's first stab at TOS was reasonably well-received, here's the (sloppy) second.
Young girl, got an itch in your pants?
I said, Young girl, c'mon, let's take a chance
I said, Young girl, horizontally dance
I can make you very happy!

Young girl, through the front and back door
Boldly take you where no man's gone before
I'll respect you; treat you not like some wh*re
Cuddle warmly until we snore

It's fun to play in the Turtilian way
Go for a "ride" in his old Chevrolet

I have everything that young ladies enjoy
You can have fun with all my toys

Dear, I daresay you've a lovely bouquet
Come in and dine at the TT buffet

I've been STD-screened; disinfectedly cleaned
But not quite yet totally weaned

Young girl, are you listening to me?
I said, Young girl, want the Sade de Marquis?
No? Then, Young girl, Dominatrix art thee?
I am good at ev'ry fun thing!

No more must you do it yourself
Bunny-thumper: put it back on the shelf
And just "come" here - all your qualms, I'll al-lay
One hun-dred per-cent straight, not gay

Prepare yourself for a lovely soiree
I'm Tantric-talented: climax, delay

I've a bundle of tricks that I love to employ
Till you pass out from over-joy!

An exhibitionist? Charms on display?
Your territory I'd gladly survey

I'm a lovin' machine; got so much s*x apeal
Feel real zeal, squeal seailin' the deal

Young girl, I dont' look like Tom Cruise
But unlike him, I'll infuse til you ooze
I am "The Man"; cleverly can contrive
What you need: revive your s*x drive

So when Tommy crawls up to you
And says, Young girl, you look long overdue
I've a place near, called the Turtle Café
Risk? Nay! Risqué! What say? Okay!

It's safe to play at the TT chalet
Your loving trust, I would never betray

It's so swell in my shell; it's a nice place to dwell
We can hang out in my "hotel"

Come right this way!
I'm charismatic like JFK

Young girl, Young girl, I will gladly go down --
-- To the ... bus stop; catch that bus for downtown

I'm game to play
(I hope that I don't lose my toupee)

Young girl, Young girl, I'll get rid of your frown
Young girl, Young girl, pound your mound to the ground

Anchors aweigh!
(I took my Cialis™ today)

Pretty ... Woman ... What is that which I see?
Pretty ... Woman ... Yes! She walks back to me!

Ohhhh.... ohhh, Pretty Woman!

Cialis ® Eli Lilly Company. All else © 2009 Tommy Turtle. All rights reserved. E-mail:

Your Vote & Comment Counts

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Matches Pace of
Original Song: 
How Funny: 
Overall Score: 

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Voting Results

Pacing: 4.6
How Funny: 5.0
Overall Rating: 4.8

Total Votes: 14

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   1
 2   0
 3   0
 4   1
 5   12

User Comments

Comments are subject to review, and can be removed by the administration of the site at any time and for any reason.

Andria - February 26, 2009 - Report this comment
The pacing sucked, but the content was funny. I really liked your work on this parody, regardless of the pacing issues. 1-5-3.
AFW - February 26, 2009 - Report this comment
I liked, "Turtilian way" a lot of song titles in here with this turtle fantasy...let me guess..your girl's name is, maybe Shelley?..
Yolanda - February 26, 2009 - Report this comment
I'm surprised they'd let something this "graphic" in here, but I'm glad they did. Nice job! (What's with the "Pretty Woman" tacked on at the end?!)
TJC - February 26, 2009 - Report this comment
TooToo funny! Not sure what Andrea's pacing issues were... she may not realize you've written the book on that, so to speak... Many well (casting) couched terms and al(del?)lusions... partic. favs: "bundle of 'tricks'", Trekian " man's gone before...", "Risk? Nay! Risqué! What say? Okay!", fractured "gladly go down -- -- To the ... bus stop; "... but for me the best by far...""It's 'swell' in my shell..." LOL!
Mark Scotti - February 26, 2009 - Report this comment
Got five five fives, to keep that sex drive alive! Really funny!
alvin - February 26, 2009 - Report this comment
you ol' romantic, you...especially liked the bunny thumper line
Tommy Turtle - February 27, 2009 - Report this comment
Andria, I'm always willing to improve. Please show me where the discrepancies are. Cite the particular line of the parody and the matching line of TOS, so I can see where I went wrong. Thanks for the content vote. Looking forward to the specifics of the criticism.

AFW: LOL! -- good one! thanks for v/c.

Yolanda: You should see what they *don't* let in here... Notice the parody has no obscenities, profanities, etc., mostly double-entendre and euphemism.... Hoped someone might find the switch at the end amusing; guess no one did. Nothing ventured, nothing sprained. Thanks for v/c.

TJC: No clue either -- oughta be a rule that all Ones must be accompanied by supporting data :-) Thanks for the support and punny v/c!

Mark Scotti: Thanks! (ya mean the pacing didn't suck? lol)

alvin: yep, that's i ... and so glad someone knew what a BT was... ya been watchin' late night infomercials? :-) thanks for v/c, alvin.
Andria - February 27, 2009 - Report this comment
TT: "I said young girl, come on let's take a chance" and "Oh, oh, pretty woman" didn't fit from what I could tell. Then again, I have a hard time understanding the OS at times.
Red Ant - February 27, 2009 - Report this comment
Hey, I wrote the book on pacing! Okay, it was just an article with lots of people's input, but close enough... anyway, the pacing here does not suck, in fact it's recording quality, meaning it's a bulletproof 5. Kudos for subbing in real words for "YMCA", but I must give you all 1s for making me listen to TOS again. =)
Tommy Turtle - February 27, 2009 - Report this comment

I said, young man, pick yourself off the ground (OS)
I said young girl, come on let's take a chance (parody)

Ten syllables in both, and the stresses match. But even if not, did I get Oned for *one* perceived error? Agree that OS is hard to understand on the radio. I usually provide links to OS lyrics, but thought "everyone" knew this one. Try 3w.

As mentioned to Yolanda, the switch at the end was an experiment, to throw something a little different in. The last verse *still* matches YMCA, and keeps with the theme; only the end line was from the other OS. An experiment that apparently didn't work out. Thanks for stopping back by.

Red Ant: I don't blame you -- it's the OS that sucks! ... thanks for proofreading the pacing, of which you are indeed an acknowledged expert. And thanks for your time, both here and in your Pacing Guide, which all writers, esp. noobs, should read. (Reply with plug.)
Red Ant aka Shameless Plugs - February 28, 2009 - Report this comment
Parody "guide":

Since I'm taking a trip back into the time capsule, I decided to bring along this one too:

People Rating Unfairly:

and my own rating guide:

which hasn't changed much except that I do dock pacing for wonky em-PHA-sis.
Peregrin - March 02, 2009 - Report this comment
Muwahaha! "the Turtilian way"! Beautiful!
MadameLazyLays - March 03, 2009 - Report this comment
L A Z Y Lays . . . just right for hittin' the hay ! L A Z Y lays for you & me . . .
Tommy Turtle - March 05, 2009 - Report this comment
Peregrin: Thanks, and a real treat to hear from ya again! ... I haven't been around much and may have missed something. Is Merry OK?

MadameLazyLays: You say where and when! :) Looking forward to the completion of your Spanky parody .... thanks for v/c, MLL.
Peregrin - March 06, 2009 - Report this comment
Hi Tommy

No, we have both been a little absent lately, pressure of work and life I'm afraid...
Tommy Turtle - March 06, 2009 - Report this comment
Hi Peregrin,

I know the feeling :-( ... not here very often myself. Wishing the best for both of you, say Hi to Meriadoc for me, and thanks again for taking the time to stop by :-)
Glen S - April 16, 2009 - Report this comment
Some very clever wordplay in here. I hope she enjoys it.
Tommy Turtle - April 16, 2009 - Report this comment
Glen S, thanks much. Not sure: she was screaming, but pleasure? Pain? Both? d/k lol.
Norman Zav - June 13, 2011 - Report this comment
LOL @ "Bunny-thumper: put it back on the shelf"
Will-Yum Conquer-Her - June 14, 2011 - Report this comment
Norman Zav: You and alvin --- notice there was *not* a footnote expaining. ;) Thanks for read/v/c!

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