As I was drivin’ over…the pass up through the mountains
I saw caps in snow an’…although sunny, it was dauntin’
A bang, then seized up pistons…oh heck, the van was smokin’
I thought, “Can’t open my windows”…they were stuck an’ I was chokin’

Mutterin’, “Shoulda bought Japanese”
Crap on the radio…crap on the radio
There’s whiskey in the cargo

I took out all my money…but it was a single penny
I thought that this ain’t funny…for I need to find a payphone
I swore that I’d leave it…never would I touch it
But I had to take that whiskey…an’ you know I drank it easy

Mutterin’, “Hope I don’t get the sack”
Crap on the radio…crap on the radio
There’s whiskey in the cargo

Bein’ drunk an’ cheery…I went to find that payphone
Phonin’ the operator…so she’d put me through to breakdown
By about six or, maybe, seven…I’d drunk half a barrel
I slumped down; tired of the waiting…I was singin’ Christmas carols

Mutterin’, “I could do with some more”
Crap on the radio…crap on the radio
There’s whiskey in the cargo

Now, some men like the rum in…an’ some men like the wine in
An’ some men like to hear…a can of ale a-pourin’
But, me, I like whiskey…’specially if it’s like this freebie
So, here I am, I’m legless…here I am with a juiced up brain, yeah

Mutterin’, “I could do with a pee”
Crap on the radio…crap on the radio
There’s whiskey in the cargo