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Song Parodies -> "Divorced Eva Longoria"

Original Song Title:

"Hotel California"

Original Performer:

The Eagles

Parody Song Title:

"Divorced Eva Longoria"

Parody Written by:

Michael Pacholek

The Lyrics

My 1,700th parody. Just the 5th one to reach the milestone. Marriage is a milestone. Sadly, so is divorce. In June 2005, wrote, to “Eve of Destruction,” the classic “Ah, you don't believe I'm bonkin' Ev-a Longoria!” Well, she just filed for divorce from her basketball-playing husband Tony Parker. Begging the question, just how horny does a guy have to be to cheat on Eva Longoria?
(long instrumental opening)

On a dark Texas highway
cool wind in her hair
was a fine senorita
hotter than I could bear.
Up ahead in the distance
was a basketball team.
She’s a native of that team's hometown
and they’ve fulfilled her dream.

As she stood in the doorway
her hubby let shot go free.
I was thinking to myself
“This could be two points, or it could be three.”
This team from San Antonio
they have shown us the way.
They’ve won them some titles, four
and I heard them say…

“Our biggest fan is Eva Longoria.
Here inside our place
(here in side our place)
such a lovely face.

Tony Parker, he married Eva Longoria.
All throughout the year
(all throughout the year)
you can find her here.”

She leaves my mind really twisted.
She gives my heart lots of bends.
The Spurs, they are some pretty boys.
She says, “Just friends.”
How they played on the courtside.
Sweet winter sweat.
The Lakers, you might remember:
A beatdown is what they get.

So I called up the captain:
Tim Duncan, she’s fine.
He said, “She’s been here since our first-won crown
in nineteen ninety-nine.”

And still those voices are calling
from far away.
Watch “SportsCenter” in the middle of the night
I can hear them say…

“Our biggest fan is Eva Longoria.
Here inside our place
(here in side our place)
such a lovely face.”

Thierry Henry checkin’ out Eva Longoria.
What a nice surprise.
(What a nice surprise.)
But now Eva cries…

Mirrors on the ceiling
and pink champagne on ice.
And she said, “Tony, how could you, here?
Cheat on me, such a vice?”

And now they act like strangers.
From marriage, they’re released.
She pokes him with her fingernails
and she calls him “cheating beast!”

Last thing I remembered
I was running for the door.
At the AT&T Center
underneath their banners four.

“Relax,” said desperate housewife.
“I am programmed to receive.
You can come now any time you like.
I thought he’d never leave!”

(long instrumental fadeout)
Teri Hatcher is still my favorite "Desperate Housewife," though. Don't get the Thierry Henry reference? This summer, at the World Basketball Championships at Madison Square Garden in New York, Eva watched Tony play for France, and his friend and countryman Henry sat next to Eva. Apparently, they were both turning their heads to see the same thing, whatever that was, but it looked like the soccer legend was trying to, uh, win a free kick.

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Original Song: 
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Voting Results

Pacing: 4.1
How Funny: 4.3
Overall Rating: 4.2

Total Votes: 13

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   2
 2   1
 3   0
 4   1
 5   9

User Comments

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Patrick - November 18, 2010 - Report this comment
Congratulations on 1700! That's quite an achievement. If I'm lucky I might make 100 by the end of the year. Don't follow sports or Hollywood much, so I looked up Eva Langoria. Almost makes me want to be a TSA screener on her flight. Not sure I was even allowed to look at her photo on computer at work during break. Your parody is very well rhymed. I remember when the Tiger Woods story broke, someone sent me a picture of his wife. Seems some guys just don't appreciate what they have.
John Barry - November 18, 2010 - Report this comment
The Spurs suck. But this parody doesn't.
Old Man Ribber - November 18, 2010 - Report this comment
Michael - WOW! 1700? I was in grade school Seriously, congrats! The only thing better for you than this parody would be a divorced Catherine Zeta-Jones! ;D
DivaLaSpur - November 18, 2010 - Report this comment
. . . when my cowboy clicks his Spurs I go to WEEEEEEEE NO . . . not Nevada !
2Eagle - November 18, 2010 - Report this comment
Good use of grist for the mill.
Mark Scotti - November 18, 2010 - Report this comment
Another slice of brilliance for your 1700! great work as always, Michael!!
carol brown - November 19, 2010 - Report this comment
Big congratulations on achieving 1700! Excellent parody. 555
John Jenkins - November 21, 2010 - Report this comment
I don't understand the first sentence of John Barry's comment. It probably won't last; but, right now, the Spurs have the best record in the NBA. I do understand and agree with JB's second sentence.

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