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Song Parodies -> "Rasputian Rapsody"

Original Song Title:

"Bohemian Rapsody"

Original Performer:


Parody Song Title:

"Rasputian Rapsody"

Parody Written by:

Lionel Mertens

The Lyrics

This parody is about Grigori Yefimovich Rasputin, a notorious and bizaare figure in Russia's history. And while it's well known that Russian commanders played a key role in the "Mad Monk's" demise, a recent show produced by the BBC for cable, has MI-5 involved with things as well. Evidently they sent an agent named Oswald Rayner over to assist in the elemination of "Dark Forces," which was the appropriate code for one so evil. Anyway, forensics reveals that Rasputin was shot twice by a Russian revolver, and once in the head by a bullet consistent with a British model issued to MI-5 field agents. But I'll leave that one to the experts. The so called "sexperts" on the other hand, are flocking to see Rasputin's pickled penis suspended in a peanut buttter jar full of formaldehyde. It seems like his legend will never die, and will only get freakier. Anyhow, this parody assumes a forknowledge of the characters and events surrounding the whole sorded affair. But here's a brief run through anyway: Aleksandra was the Tsarina or Queen of Russia who was related to the German Royal family. She was also a decendant of Queen Elizabeth, and that's how her son Alexis was born with hemophilia. That's also how Rasputin enters the fray by healing the prince when nothing or noone else could. So the Queen grows fond of Rasputin and keeps him on call. But in the mean time, Rasputin starts living high on the hog and dabbling in the states affairs, which makes the nobility in government hate and want to kill him. Felix Yasupov being the chief culprit in the killing. But you probably know all of this, and can google any details you don't. I think a full featured movie on Rasputin's life would make some cha-ching.
{Rasputin Singing from the other side}

Is this a monk's life?
Or dark debauchery?
Loathed in the Queen's Reich
A showcase for phallic peeks
Check out my prize
Look at its size to please
I'm such a playboy, I've got the potency
Because I'm hard to take, hard to know
I'm living high, laying low
What a sight the jar holds, Does size really matter Rooskies? Rooskies

{Rasputin Singing to the Tsarina Aleksandra}

Sandra, at your command
If your son has fallen ill
I'm the vicar, for his health
Sandra, death is never fun
And now he's well enough to go and play
Sandra, ooo
You didn't want to see him die
If I have helped your son to see tomorrow
Keep me on, keep me on, cause his life really matters

{Rasputin Singing to Felix Yasupov}

Oh no! I see a gun
My life is flashing by
Bullets ripping through my side
So much for pastries - I hit the snow
Gotta save myself or else my time is through
Felix – oooo (What a sight the jar holds)
I don't want to die
Sometimes I feel I never have lived at all

I be a bloody snow gigolo of a man
Looky loos, lookie loos, will you view my libido?
Formaldehyde pickle – very very fickle to me
Mi Choriso! Mi Choriso!*
Mi Choriso! Mi Choriso!
Mi Choriso perico, MashisEMO

"Cause I'm such a dark force, I'm such a faux pas
"Cause He's such a dark force, from Siberia
Spare not his life he gets Le coup de grâce [ku də gras]
Yasupov! No – I wont die in the snow – let me go
Grigori! We will not let you go – let me go
We'll not let you go – let me go (never)
Never let you go – let me go
Never let me go – no
No, no, no, no, no, no, no –
Please, Oswald Rayner, Oswald Rayner, Oswald Rayner let me go
MI-5 had an agent sent abroad for me
For me
For me
For me

So you think you can stick me and shoot between my eyes
So you think you can drag me and dump me in the ice
No Felix! - Don't do this to me Felix
I'm gonna black out - I'm gonna bleed red all over here

Oh no! Oh no!
Penis pistol packers
Put me out to peek
Like it really matters – like it really matters Rooskies

What a sight the jar holds

*A Mexican Sausage often used in reference to the male private parts
**Spanish slang term for pecker

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Voting Results

Pacing: 5.0
How Funny: 5.0
Overall Rating: 5.0

Total Votes: 8

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   0
 2   0
 3   0
 4   0
 5   8

User Comments

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John Barry - August 25, 2006 - Report this comment
A tour de force. . .no, a tour de fives!
alvin rhodes - August 25, 2006 - Report this comment
beautiful job about one of the weirdest people in history
Meriadoc - August 25, 2006 - Report this comment
Dee Range - August 25, 2006 - Report this comment
Great story...555
Peregrin - August 25, 2006 - Report this comment
Good one Lionel !
TJC - August 25, 2006 - Report this comment
Excellent parody and informative... and the longest tongue twister about "pickled peckers" I've had the pleasure to read!
AFW - August 25, 2006 - Report this comment
Humor and History, an unbeatable combination...

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