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Song Parodies -> "House (M. D.) [TV Series]"

Original Song Title:


Original Performer:

Michael Jackson

Parody Song Title:

"House (M. D.) [TV Series]"

Parody Written by:

Tommy Turtle

The Lyrics

The second installment in "Parodies of TV Shows", and also the last, as this and the one parodied yesterday are about the only two TV series TT watches, and those, only occasionally. (Otherwise, he'd be TV, not TT, right? ;-)

Had never even heard of this series about a brusque, non-conformist, anti-social, but highly-intelligent and -competent physician, until Fiddlegirl suggested to watch it, saying that House resembled Turtle in some regards, and that if TT were a physician (Heaven help you all!), Dr. Turtle might be very much like Dr. House. .... Wonder whatever gave her that idea?

Superb, HQ OS video of 14-year-old Michael here. ...Oh, and the analytical footnotes are, as always, strictly optional.

House, with people, you don't get along
'Cause ... they're p*ssed you're always right, not wrong
With three doctors that you own [1]
You treat them like a drone
Dismiss sarcastic'lly
You're very much like me
(In common, lots, TT)

House, you're always popping Vicodin™ [2]
Pain.... misdiagnosed, an awful sin [3]
You ... shot Cuddy in behind [6]
For once, she didn't mind
There's so much that you know
Makes other docs feel low
(But justified: e-go)

House never says, "I and she" [7]
Only "us": John and he [8]
He used to say, "Stacey, me" [9]
Broke up thus: injur-y

House, most patients, do you turn away (wants work, not play) [4]
You .. don't listen to a word they say (signs point the way) [5]
Brusque? I'm short on "patients", too   ;-)
I think and feel like you
TT's a grumpy louse
Wish I had a friend like House

No spouse
Like House
Me: House

[1] The competition for fellowships under the tutelage of Dr. House, the world's greatest diagnostician, was intense. Despite the winners being highly qualified, he calls them names like "moron", and speaks sarcastically to them, when their minds can't keep up with the lightning pace of his. (Good thing there's nobody here like that, eh? ;)

The three chosen, per the "rainbow rule" (self-explanatory, one hopes): Dr. Foreman, because he's black; Dr. Chase, because he's Australian, and Dr. Cameron, because she's *hot*. (Yowsa!)

[2] Vicodin, trade name for hydrocodone: An opioid, meaning a synthetic version of the natural pain-killers derived from opium, like codeine, morphine, and heroin.

Opium: the extracted juice of the poppy seed. (You wondered why poppy-seed rolls and bagels were so popular, right? ... Ultra-sensitive drug tests have tested people positive for opiates after eating a large quantity of tasty poppy seeds.) Dorothy, in "The Wizard Of Oz", fell asleep in a field of poppies...

Why the synthetics? Because you can't patent a naturally-occurring substance, and drug companies can't make any money from drugs they can't patent. Period. The natural substance, morphine, is much better at controlling, say, extreme post-surgical pain, and with fewer side effects, than its synthetic competitor, Demerol™, trade name for meperidine. You're just going to have to trust me on this, 'k?

As for why House takes it, keep reading.....

[3] House needs a cane, walks with a limp, and is in constant pain in one leg. In a flashback episode, we learn that he himself sought medical treatment for leg pain, was dismissed by several different doctors as having merely an overuse injury or strain: over-the-counter pain meds, rest, ice, compression, elevation (RICE, standard treatment). After four days of this intense pain getting even more intense, *someone* finally did the various scans, etc., and discovered an embolism (clot) in the leg's artery. By that time, surgery was required to remove muscle tissue that had died, but could have been saved by a prompt and correct diagnosis. Result: permanent partial disability and pain.

(Spooky coincidence: TT had leg/knee issues, and was also treated not so competently, but unlike House, eventually found a non-standard, experimental treatment that worked, relieving the pain after only a quarter of a century or so. ... No public details, please, but if this is of personal use to you or a loved one, email TT, and be prepared to follow secure-channel directions for the sake of privacy, as "e-mail" is really "e-postcard" -- *lots* of people can read it as it travels across the info superhighway.)

We then understand more of his impatience, especially with his team; his general mad-at-the-world attitude, and specifically, at doctors less intelligent and analytical than himself. He is driven -- keep reading....

[4] Because of the near-ruination of his life by medical misdiagnosis, House is driven to be the world's best diagnostician -- doing what he wishes his doctors had done for him. Combined with a genius IQ and a zero tolerance for boredom (Hey, "Life ain't easy with a high IQ", ya know!), he takes only the toughest cases, the ones whose symptoms could be from any of a number of diseases, and which "ordinary" doctors can't figure out. Often, they're also dying from their illness, which adds a lot of pressure to diagnose promptly so that treatment can begin promptly (not to mention that the case has to be solved in a one-hour episode, minus 18-22 minutes for commercials, leaving only 38-42 minutes to work magic). "Easy" cases don't interest him, and he refuses them.

[5] House doesn't like talking with patients, but would rather just analyze symptoms ("signs", in the echo line) and test results. Quote, perhaps paraphrased, from memory:
"Everybody lies. Symptoms don't lie. If we don't talk to them, they can't lie to us, and we can't lie to them."

Not that far-fetched, really. Imagine, say, that you, the doctor, suspect an STD, and the patient's spouse or significant other is in the room. You wanna imply openly that their beloved might be cheating? And is the patient going to admit to the affair(s)? ... Lots of other episodes in which patients concealed various vital information for various reasons. So, you go on what you know....

[6] (Out of order from here on, because [3] led naturally to [4] and [5], whereas this line matches "behind" in TOS, though in a different sense, of course.)

Dr. Lisa Cuddy, Hospital Administrator and Dean of Medicine (it's a teaching hospital, like most of the best are), is constantly trying to cope with House's non-conformist, screw-the-rules attitude, as well as his snappy sarcasm and rudeness to his boss (her), often in front of staff, patients, public, donors, etc., all the more irritating because he's almost always right. They're constantly at each other's throats, which, of course, implies a love-hate relationship, with sexual tension boiling beneath the surface, though neither would ever admit it....

Cuddy wants to have a child, but has been unsuccessful. Being single, she doesn't want anyone else to know of her efforts (in vitro fertilization, etc.). In one episode, she needs a hormone injection to facilitate the chances of pregnancy, so out of all of her admiring, trusting, subservient staff .... well, whom would you think she'd pick to give her the the "shot in behind"? (Not a bullet -- fake-out!) The only doctor she truly trusts....

He surprises her by *not* making wisecracks while telling her to turn around, bend over, and lift her skirt.
Cuddy, befuddied -- er, befuddled: "I'm sorry, it's just that I've never seen you be professional before." ZING!!!

[7] Perhaps due to devotion to his practice and resulting sheer lack of time for courting and relationships, or more likely, due to his fear of genuine emotional intimacy and attachment, House is probably the only sympathetic protagonist on TV who is openly described as frequenting prostitutes. Money is easier than time and love... (This is where House and TT part company, thank you. Never have, never will.)

Some reference is made to an abusive childhood at the hands of a perfectionist father, which would account not only for House's perfectionism, but also for the distrust of authority (Dr. Cuddy, e. g.) and of people in general, as well as the fear of emotional bonding -- not that doctors should be emotionally bonded to their patients (a lot of whom die, for one thing), but to other doctors, friends, etc. Over-compensating, Freud would say, by constantly snapping at his team and at everyone else in the world.

[8] House's only true friend: Dr. John Wilson, an oncologist (cancer specialist). Were we just talking about patients dying? ... Any-way, Wilson is much the opposite of House. Several divorces, serial relationships, because he is out to save the world of *humans*, versus House: "We don't treat people, we treat illnesses." (I disagree somewhat, though I understand House's POV.)

Sadly, Wilson's "savior complex" extends to finding women who need "saving", i. e., dependent, needy, troubled. Wilson is much more passive, accepts House exactly as he is (lucky guy, House, to have one person in the entire world who accepts you exactly as you are ... anyone here that lucky?), but isn't afraid to be blunt when House needs it, even if it hurts them both. Constantly sarcastic to each other and playing practical jokes, etc. -- like with Dr. Cuddy, except without the sexual thing underneath. The perfect, and only, friend-match for House.

Fave line was to the effect that they remain friends, not because of, but rather in spite of, each other.

[9] One serious relationship, which the leg incident played a part in destroying. (No spoilers, in case you've not seen it and might.) Yet another reason to fear re-attaching to someone. And naturally, she shows up again, many years later.... (Psst! House! Try sheep! No attachments, no divorces, no ... etc.!)

In addition to the suggestion to watch the show, I'd like to give a shout-out to Fiddlegirl for making TT more familiar with TOS, of which he had been only vaguely aware, when she came up with this brilliant concept and title switch. (FG also wrote the entire first draft of that parody, nearly all of which became the final post, contrary to those who for some reason seemed to think that TT wrote 98% of the songs posted under the FG/TT name.) Perfect for this parody, too.

© 2010 Tommy Turtle. All rights reserved. E-mail:

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Voting Results

Pacing: 3.9
How Funny: 4.1
Overall Rating: 4.1

Total Votes: 11

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   3
 2   0
 3   0
 4   0
 5   8

User Comments

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Matthias - September 02, 2010 - Report this comment
Great tribute to a great show (Keep making more parodies like this and you'll convert me into becoming a fan)
Patrick - September 02, 2010 - Report this comment
By the time I finished reading your footnotes, I'd almost forgotten the song you had parodied. Are you sure you don't spend your evenings glued to the TV watching DVD's of all the past seasons of this show? I'd like to see what you would have thought of "Jericho". I think I have seen maybe one episode of "House". I have caught the trailers. So I have a vague idea of the character. You have certainly done a very thorough analysis of this character. By the way, wasn't the original song about the love between a boy and a rat? Is that kinkier than sheep? When I started hearing the rumors about Michael Jackson and little children, I listened to the song again, leaving out the context of the film. Then it really started to sound creepy.
TJC - September 02, 2010 - Report this comment

Ahoy there! Commodore Turtle!

She's a slick----'House'
Mighty 'Right'y, just lettin' it all slang out
T's a quick----'mouse'
His clicks've stacked the thing with laughs,
Ain't holding my fives back!

Peter Andersson - September 02, 2010 - Report this comment
Great show for the first seasons, though last winter I often had a NSE (Near Sharkjump Experience) and started to miss the occasional episode without remorse.

BTW, one more factoid for the Turtle: The relationship between House and Wilson is loosely based on Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson, both names beginning with H and W is a subtle tribute from the scriptwriters.
Mark Scotti - September 02, 2010 - Report this comment
Like the show, loved the parody!! Your 'House' is you "Shell", isn't it? LOL
Old Man Ribber - September 02, 2010 - Report this comment
I've hardly ever watched House, but I am a great fan of Hugh Laurie's early work - especially his work with Rowan Atkinson in Black Adders 3, 4, and one episode of 2. He once described portraying the American Dr. House as trying to play tennis left-handed with a fish instead of a racket. Anyway, magnificent parody once again from the Reptilian Prince Of Footnotes (just kidding!) ;D
AFW - September 02, 2010 - Report this comment
Don't watch House on tv...hard enough watching my own house...but I have surfed thru it a few..I like Hugh L.'s a good martini..very dry.....Dry and sarcastic humor seems to be your bag, too..and by these footnotes, and others, I christen you a walking encyclopedia..
Fiddlegirl - September 02, 2010 - Report this comment
I liked it! I really liked it!!! ;) And I'm giving it 555 to offset the piddly 1s.

@ OMR: I loved the Black Adder series, too!!
Christie Marie M - September 02, 2010 - Report this comment
I rarely watch House on TV. I'm more like a Scrubs viewer! But when I caught a glimpse of one of the episodes of House, I found it hilarious. I should start watching it. Well, here's 555's! It's on the "House!" LOL!!
Tommy Turtle - September 02, 2010 - Report this comment
Matthias: Thanks much, but pardon me for pointing out an incongruity: A while back, you directly requested a tribute from moi, yet today, you state openly that you're not a fan, but *might* become one, if I continue to do what I've been doing for the past 372 parodies (463, with FG included). ...
  Call me petty (I've raced go-karts, and driven on the banked Daytona tri-oval, but never actually raced stock cars), but among the criteria for tributees, being a fan of TT affects the decision greatly. If you ever get converted, let me know - or better, just show it by actions. Thanks for the kind words and votes on this one.

Patrick: Too cheap to buy DVDs. Two different channels have been running "House" marathons on Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays, so with a DVR..... Never heard of "Jericho", sorry.
  I know very little about TOS or the movie, as noted in the intro. Maybe ask Fiddlegirl... .Anyway, as said in the intro, Michael was only fourteen when this was recorded, long before the scandals - he was still (legally) a child himself, and a badly-abused one, at that. Thanks for v/c.

TJC: Must be having a bad brain day -- DK what song you're parodying in the comment, but thanks anyway!

Peter Andersson: I do remember hearing something about modeling on Holmes and Watson, but never saw the "initial" (ha ha!) connection. Thanks for pointing that out, and it explains another puzzle: It's made clear that Dr. Wilson is Jewish (I don't think Watson was, was he?), and while one hates to stereotype, "James Wilson" never struck me as a Jewish name -- quite WASP-ish, actually. Maybe they should have used Wolfitz or something. (No disrespect to our many Jewish friends; the name just didn't sound right).
  I, too, saw some plot directions that I didn't like, but they all resolved more or less OK. Never saw the series in real time, as per the intro; so I'm seeing recorded reruns, sometimes in serial order, sometimes with large gaps, sometimes, in reverse order. (E. g., Saw the one about Amber's illness *before* seeing the one about the accident, which made the first one a little puzzling. Got cleared up when I saw the prelude episode.) Thanks for vote and enlightening comment.

Mark Scotti: Yep.         (thanks for v/c)

Old Man Ribber: Hey, what's wrong with being left-handed? All the world's greatest people have been! (Well, not *all*, but the percentage of "greats" is disproportionately left-handed -- like, say, five of the last six POTUS.) And no need to apologize -- will take compliments any way they come, and "Reptilian Prince Of Footnotes" works just fine, thank you! ;-)

AFW: Shouldn't that be "crawling encyclopedia"? lol! .. Yep, FG was right, "dry and sarcastic" fits House and Shell perfectly. Thanks for v/c.

Fiddlegirl: "And all of the credit goes to -- YOU!" (turns around and points to Col. Nitpickering) .. j/k .. and yeah, the Unajerk seems to be out in force today -- not only both of moi's, but a couple of other writers, too. Why today? It's not the full moon.... ANY-way, thanks for the recommendation, commendation, collaboration, (stops before gets into trouble with "-ation" words).

Christie Marie M: You're on a pun roll today! (A pun bun?) A pun run -- LOL backatcha, and thanks!!
TJC - September 03, 2010 - Report this comment
She's a Brick House by the Commodores!
TT @ TJC - September 03, 2010 - Report this comment
Sorry, DKTOS. (A safe assumption for anything after, say, 1972,). Thanks again, though!

Not into "Security Code" comments in general, but "FCK"? Chucky, *really*!!!!   (State license tag depts have a filter-list of words not allowed in vanity tags - j/k here, of course! Only 17,576 permutations to work with....)
Patrick - September 07, 2010 - Report this comment
TT@TJC. Once saw a Kansas license plate "Merde 2". Wonder how that slipped by.
TT @ Patrick @ TT @ TJC - September 07, 2010 - Report this comment
Sneaking sneaky 2-entendres past the DMV was a favorite hobby of vanity license tag buyers!

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