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Song Parodies -> "Bind And Tie Her Tight"

Original Song Title:

"Blinded By The Light"

Original Performer:

Manfred Mann's Earth Band

Parody Song Title:

"Bind And Tie Her Tight"

Parody Written by:

Tommy Turtle

The Lyrics

The M/f "flip side" of the F/m "Whip-Chained Melody" ... TT DKTOS, but Stuart McArthur told him that this was a "mandatory" parody, so... NOTE: Like other parodies on this topic, this one satirizes *consenting* individuals who *choose* to *PLAY* in this fashion. Real violence isn't funny.

Bind and tie her tight
Trussed up like a goose with all her private parts in sight
Bind and tie her tight
Don't let her get loose, just have your way with her all night
Bind and tie her tight.....

Strum her on her bum-mer, to the depths you plumb her
On her teeny welcome mat
Puts a lump on her rump as the Master Mister thumps her
Then a little pat
From her ankle to her shoulder, velvet Velcro™ hold her
She's immovably bound
Then with very soft squeezin', some teasin' and pleasin'
See her wildly thrashin' around
Beguiled; she's too tightly wound

Yeah, she was....
Grinding left and right
Do *not* use a noose, 'cause she could fatally excite
Grinding left and right
She waves her caboose up in the air in helpless plight
Grinding left and right...

I playfully kissed her; it was hard to resist her
But still, I gave her the shakes
She said, "you turn me on, Master, so big and strong"
"play me long, Sir, without a break"
Then smartly impart some peckin' felt down to her heart
Got goosebumps up and down her side
Her little curly Shirley was thrown into hurly-burly
She begged me, "please, Sir, give me a ride"
But her wish, I cruelly denied

So she was...
Mine, and quite a sight
Miffed by my refusal; "turnabout is fair play", right?
Mine, and quite contrite
Spread out for my use; I'll conjure up some more delight
Mine; her cheeks, I bite

I went down; taste of what she desired
But I frustrated her in spite
So agitated, flames ignite

Yeah, Baby! here's where the fun is
Yeah, tell me... who Number One is!
Daddy always said he'll treat you good if you supply him with bun
And Baby, you've always done this

This full-blown sadist-prone panty-cycle-riding stone lecher has his feast
Says, "I own your private zone, I can make you gasp and groan
"Till I decide you're released"
And she moaned like Sharon Stone; her basic instinct, horny
Craving for some romance
Sniffing fresh-blown cologne while messin' with Jeanne Tripplehorn [1]
Showing Mike Douglas her pants
Then her fantasy crashed to the ground

[chorus of incoherent moans]

'Cause she's en-
Twined, behind upright
Vibrate her a little, make her ask and be polite
Signed and sealed, alright
A slight cl*ttal diddle, then you tease her out of spite
Blinding lust, incite
She whines, slightly brittle, for her shining-armored knight
Finds a bit of fight
She squirms; tries to fiddle with her bonds, but how they bite
Blind with lust; red, bright
She thrusts; starts to piddle cooter juice with all her might
She said, "you turn me on; i, Sir, to you belong"

She's tied down, but her flames have been fired
She's never had a better night!

[1] Jeanne Tripplehorn: Sharon Stone's co-star in "Basic Instinct".

Also Stone's lover in the movie.

"Velcro"® Velcro Industries B.V. All else © 2007 Tommy Turtle. All rights reserved.

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Matches Pace of
Original Song: 
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Voting Results

Pacing: 5.0
How Funny: 5.0
Overall Rating: 5.0

Total Votes: 15

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   0
 2   0
 3   0
 4   0
 5   15

User Comments

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stuart mcarthur - October 23, 2007 - Report this comment
cooter juice?

hmm, challenging actually brings out the best in you TT - whilst you trotted this epic out in 2 hours flat, I'm still sitting on my opening two lines - but I WILL get there - and mine definitely won't have the expression "cooter juice"...psst, I think THAT might have been the orignal Chucky stumbling block that kept this off the air - and SOOOO unjustly! ;-)...amazing stuff TT - 555
Kristof Robertson - October 23, 2007 - Report this comment
This is a challenge? Can't wait to see what McArthur comes up with. Brilliant, brilliant stuff, TT...I know what a byatch this OS is to parody- but you've surpassed yourself! Bravo! 555+
alvin - October 23, 2007 - Report this comment
naughty and also "knotty" impossible song to pace but indeed you did...bravo !
McKludge - October 23, 2007 - Report this comment
Love it. That line you shouldn't cross? Yeah, I think it's about 50 feet behind you. 555
Walt Conner - October 23, 2007 - Report this comment
How does he doit??? (I am not worthy) I am still laughing... I think this is def OVER the line, but a solid 555
AFW - October 23, 2007 - Report this comment
Quite the write to ignite...word wizardry...
KR, The Challenge Was Here - October 23, 2007 - Report this comment in the comments by SM
PMS - October 23, 2007 - Report this comment
My goodness! I had to take a cold shower after this read! "Teeny welcome mat and little curly shirley..." two of my favorite lines.
Nelson Muntz - October 23, 2007 - Report this comment
Project Sisyphus - October 23, 2007 - Report this comment
"...piddle cooter juice?" Oh, that is sick...shouldn't be laughing...but I am. 555
Guy - October 23, 2007 - Report this comment
You said "lump on her rump" Heh heh heh. TT, I have tackled most of the major/difficult parodies except this one to include Queen's BoRap about four times, American Pie twice, once changing every chorus and the other currently has 768 views with 362 votes and 307 comments. Marty Robbin's "El Paso" twice, The Major General Song, once. WOTEF twice. Cats In The Cradle, 5 times and Alone Again, Naturally twice. I have to do MFM's BBTL song before I die. I just have never had a good enough idea to get it going because if I'm going to write a monster like this one it will be worth the effort and I'm setting your parody as my standard to meet or exceed when I do. This is absolutely a piece of fine art and craftsmanship. Truly an instant classic. (putting on old USAF uniform standing at attention and rendering a snappy salute at the screen). Fl-ight Dis--missed!
Tommy Turtle - October 23, 2007 - Report this comment
stuart mcarthur: hadn't actually realized that the slang term, "cooter" was so widespread (so to speak)... was afraid most DK it. thanks, stu.

Kristof Robertson: Thanks much... can't wait for Stu's either :)

alvin: (lol) thanks :)

McKludge: Thanks for pointing it out... no wonder I couldn't find it lol... thanks McK.

Walt Conner: Thanks, and you are *very* worthy. Practice, practice... looking forward to your future stuff... thanks Walt.

AFW: Thanks (good quip!)

PMS: Really? Show this to your other half -- or print it and "accidentally" leave it lying around :-) TMI trivia: Do all women have nicks for their privates as do men (Willy, etc.?) Long time ago, had a gf who called hers "Shirley", which inspired that line (Leslie Nielsen chimes in: "Don't call me Shirley!")... and glad you liked one of TT faves, the "mat". Thanks P :D

Nelson Muntz: thanks; glad you enjoyed.

Project Sisyphus: thanks :)

Guy: Very flattering -- thanks. Salute returned, Sir -- looking forward to your BBTL.
TJC - October 23, 2007 - Report this comment
Wow, TT! Well, I think Guy said it all (with a little (piddle?) help from Stu, Kristof, Alvin, McKludge, Walt, AFW, PMS, Nelson and (gasp!)…Sisyphus),… the OS’s *new standard*… truly your knottiest ‘Master’ piece “to date” … n00bs and pros alike can learn the ropes from TT (T’autline T’urk’s knot?… No… your knot of choice would *have* to be the ‘sheet bend’!) My fave line? “Her little curly Shirley was thrown into hurly-burly!” Congrats again!
Ann Hammond - October 23, 2007 - Report this comment
I enjoyed
TT - October 23, 2007 - Report this comment
TJC: Does that mean you liked it? (lol).... Loved the puns. Thanks, TJ.. :)
BR> Ann Hammond: Thanks much... was wondering how this would fly with the ladies, so am very glad to see that you and PMS liked it... thanks Ann.
Cooter, Missouri, USA - October 23, 2007 - Report this comment
We, the 440 residents of Cooter, MO, are grateful for being referred to in this parody. h**p://
Andria - October 24, 2007 - Report this comment
Tommy Turtle, I urge you to read my parody "He Knocked Me Up In A Chevy Van", which is based on the Sammy Kershaw version of Sammy Johns' classic 1974 one-night-stand song "Chevy Van". It's about bondage too. If you want to look at it, search for "Andria" under parody artist, and ignore the other two parodies. Although I have often said that I did not write them, they were my early work before I was coached by Darrell Wilhelm. 555
Intercourse, Pennsylvania, USA - October 24, 2007 - Report this comment
We the residents of Intercourse, Pennsylvania, USA (,_Pennsylvania) are sick of the residents of Cooter, Missouri, USA, stealing ALL the double entendre gags

What are we? Chopped Liver?
McKludge - October 25, 2007 - Report this comment
No, but the Amish don't have very good comic timing. Now those good folks from a little town in Austria, now they're funny.
F*cking, Austria - October 25, 2007 - Report this comment
Ve, the 93 residents of F*cking, Austria (sister village to Intercourse, PA, USA - and stepsister village to Cooter, Missouri, USA - hullo evryvun!!) are NOT chopped liver AND very funny

in fact, I was just saying to my neighbour, Herr Von Trapp, that recently I've been seeing spots before my eyes.
He said, "Have you seen a doctor?"
I said, "No! Just spots!!"
(herr, herr, herr...)
McKludge - October 25, 2007 - Report this comment
Now THAT'S timing!
TT - October 25, 2007 - Report this comment
Intercourse, Pennsylvania, USA: Sorry for the oversight. TT will try to do something to rectify it.

F*cking, Austria: Since you're an actual city, why is there an asterisk in your name? TT will ... oh n/m, it's not gonna fly. You guys will just have to get by on all the money spent by English-speaking tourists.

Herr Von Trapp: So, that is where "The Sound Of Music" was actually filmed? Funny, never saw the town mentioned in the movie.

McKludge: You have a good eye for comic timing, but you're being unfair to the Amish. Didn't you see "Witness"? Those guys are killer!
Austrian movie buff - October 25, 2007 - Report this comment
TT, the baroness was born and raised in F*cking.

Don't you recall the scene where Herr Von Trapp and the baroness were walking around the idyllic lake, and Herr Von Trapp sighs and says, "Don't you just love this place, baroness?" and the baroness drily replies, "I prefer F*cking"
TT - October 25, 2007 - Report this comment
Austrian movie buff: Ach, you vere reverring to za big-screen vershion, ja? I zink zey cut zat out ven zey show on TV da vin vat I saw.

Intercourse, Pennsylvania, USA:: I have rectified the oversight. Will post tomorrow, Friday, 26 October, if it posts at all lol.
Mark Scotti - August 13, 2009 - Report this comment
You've "cut loose with a spoof" of infectious lashing delights!
Tommy Turtle - August 14, 2009 - Report this comment
Mark, I'm amazed that you actually read all four plugs -- and consecutively. Very grateful for the readership, votes, comments, and for your own delightful posts.
MadameAustria - August 14, 2009 - Report this comment
Sir, a Lady bound & Trussed up tight, is indeed hard for any man to resist !
Tommy Turtle - August 14, 2009 - Report this comment
Madame Austria, you said it! :) thanks for read, v/c.
Anne Deepy - January 10, 2010 - Report this comment
A very dominant submission.
The lady sounds like a bonne *dage, who knows how to take the mass o' jism.

*Texas slang.
Tommy Turtle - January 11, 2010 - Report this comment
Anne Deepy: As deepy as possible ... running gags with my partner re: the parody "submission box" lol. ;) .... but if I push it to hard, she tells me I better "get out of *dage"! * Thanks for v'c!

*Western-movie pun.
Peregrin - August 15, 2012 - Report this comment
"Her little curly Shirley was thrown into hurly-burly" heh heh. This one was always 'bound' to be a success!
Tommy Turtle @ Peregrin - August 15, 2012 - Report this comment
Thanks for the read, fave line, and funny comment! ... and did you note the reason for being nudged here, the "Sound of Music" refs in the comments starting with that from "F*cking, Austria", and nicely finished off (heh) by "Austrian movie buff"?
    Love how these comment discussions *used to go*, back in The Good Old Days. (sigh)
Lifeliver - September 28, 2012 - Report this comment
Very - um - 'educational'. Such captivating authority. You really are a master. I endorse the 'curly Shirley' fave line. I've experienced Intercourse, Pa. I also experienced intercourse not far north of there, just down the road from 'Bird in Hand'. Those amiable Amish.

Btw, the security code reads VDT! The mind boggles with apt acronyms. Oh and thanks for Tripplehorn citation. I never would have worked that out - a new a-trois sex-aid? More 555s
Tommy Turtle @ Lifeliver - September 29, 2012 - Report this comment
Clever pun on the (real) Tripplehorn! .. and the other puns in comment.

My fave bit of intercourse with the Amish was in Virginville. ;-D .... and as you can see from the comments,

TT - October 25, 2007 -
Intercourse, Pennsylvania, USA: Sorry for the oversight. TT will try to do something to rectify it.
TT - October 25, 2007
... Intercourse, Pennsylvania, USA:: I have rectified the oversight. Will post tomorrow, Friday, 26 October, if it posts at all lol.

It did indeed, and justice was done to all those amiable Amish.

Thanks for taking the dare!
Glen S - October 31, 2012 - Report this comment
Great skill with this TT. TMGLTM, but matching this rhyme scheme AND keeping all the internal rhymes intact (especially rhyming everything with 'stone' in the 3rd verse) is ridiculously hard, so great work here. Risque in a big way, but that was the point. Glad you satisfied. I tried my hand at this one again, and I think some of your style for this song rubbed off on me.
Tommy Turtle - November 01, 2012 - Report this comment
Still counting the number of puns in your comment, Glen. ;) ... yeah, this is one B7 OS that TT will never do again, as IMHO it's the hardest (pun?), and doubt that I could ever come up with anything close again. Drop me the link to yours -- I'm not here much these days due to other things going on; just catching up on latest comment replies. Thanks for the read and comment.
Glen S - November 01, 2012 - Report this comment
Mine reared it's head today. While I know your not much for LOTR parodies, you'll notice all the characters start jumping each others bones midway through. Hope that helps :cD
Bob Morse - June 20, 2013 - Report this comment
I accepted your invitation and right off I saw that this one had a lot of hits. So I read it. But first, I want to say that re your entry of 6-19-13, I did not vote. I also was surprised that my brief and mild comment was lumped with that of "Disgusted" and became grist for the mill of condemnation, which included the accusation that I don't know what alliteration is, guys like me are driving away the good writers, etc. J.A. Thott lit into me and I can't even find the name under "Authors." I write parodies, some have been performed, and I was looking for a site where I could make contributions. I got my feet wet with a comment. I stand by it. It's just my opinion and nothing to get upset about. Now this parody certainly has a different tone. I note your disclaimer about violence and I also note the overwhelming approval in the votes and comments. But I find it misogynistic and in bad taste. That is not mitigated by technical proficiency. I was actually embarrassed, and I am no religious prude. This borders on porn. I thought the rules vetoed explicit sex. I don't like this genre as I don't like scatology. For me, they have the fatal yuck factor, and I don't write in that vein. Sorry, I should probably read more of your stuff. But I take you at your word that the site is going downhill, and so I'm moving on. Thanks.
Tommy Turtle - June 20, 2013 - Report this comment
Bob Morse: Of course you're entitled to your personal opinion. And it's always difficult to be the new kid on the block when you don't know the social ethos, etc. The thing was that tribute parodies to other authors are a long-established tradition here, so much so that at one time the Admin had to start limiting them, lest the site become too clique-ish and appear unfriendly to newcomers. The reactions were because you criticized an example of this hallowed tradition before being here long enough to know that it was a hallowed tradition, that's all.

Note: Attack parodies on other authors or persons are strictly prohibited.

Of all 435 parodies, you chose one whose name gave a strong indicator of what it might be about, then read it anyway. You could have stopped reading at the introduction if the title didn't give it away. A lot of readers don't like the racy sub-genre either, and they simply choose not to read them, which is fine with me.

How about one last try: My satire of the vast wasteland that is television, done to William Shakespeare's famous "Hamlet" soliloquy? That one has even more hits than this one, and in fact has the most page hits of any of my parodies:

Come to think of it, how could you have known that this parody had a lot of hits before choosing to read it? The "Author" page used to include hits in the table, but that was dropped some months ago, possibly to return in the future. So you chose to read this parody, knowing that you wouldn't like it. I'd have hoped that you'd have looked for titles that sounded interesting to you. Cheers.
Bob Morse - June 20, 2013 - Report this comment
If you click on Extended Info on the list of all authors, you will get the portfolio of the author you chose. One of the headings is # hits. Mainly, I wanted to know what goes over big on the site, rather than hope to entertain myself. In that sense I was interested. I'll give Hamlet a look, and continue to read a random selection of other authors' work. Thanks for bearing with me.
Tommy Turtle - June 27, 2013 - Report this comment
I didn't know about the Extended Info feature added recently, having been away from the site for several months. (Also, it shows a blank box unless I give a new JavaScript permission that wasn't required before -- just tech talk; disregard.) It restores the ability to sort by page views, ascending or descending, that was removed from the main page of the author (when you click the author's name at a link on one of his songs).

Of my 15 top page hitters, 7 have a racy theme or title, so that says something about a portion of the readership. And while Hamlet is #1, look (but don't read, probably) at what is #2 overall. That song had been #1 on my chart for many years before Hamlet surpassed it, probably at the suggestion of high school teachers. (Possibly including the author's occasional co-author? Naah... )

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