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Song Parodies -> "There's Intercourse In Southern Pennsylvania"

Original Song Title:

"It Never Rains In Southern California"

Original Performer:

Albert Hammond

Parody Song Title:

"There's Intercourse In Southern Pennsylvania"

Parody Written by:

Tommy Turtle

The Lyrics

THESE ARE ALL ACTUAL TOWNS IN PENNSYLVANIA! (click the links). Inspired by the complaint from the residents of Intercourse that they felt slighted by a previous parody of this author's. OS lyrics at the official Albert Hammond web site. Slightly-embellished MIDI here -- lyrics start at about 00:18.

Got on board an eastbound 747
On vacation; tough decidin' where to go
Sick of etiquette, Connecticut,
New York, and the jet set
Where to?
Some place new!

Seems there's Intercourse in southern Pennsylvania
Folks are friendly; just go knockin' on the door
There's Intercourse in Pennsylvania
Nice trip, it will gain ya
It scores,
Man, it scores!

Intercourse: it's near Paradise
Went to Virginville; it's rather nice
I loved 'em all! I've been back twice
Don't wanna go home!

There's Intercourse in Pennsylvania
It's now my new mania
Great tours
Yeah, great tours!


Will you tell the folks back home I'm sick of Blue Ball?
In all Lancaster, this one's hard to take
Please!... Won't find a Bird-In-Hand there
I tell ya, not so grand there
Gives me an ache
Wanna' partake!

'Cause there's Intercourse in southern Pennsylvania
Don't know why I didn't visit there before
There's Intercourse in Pennsylvania
A trip there won't pain ya
Not bore,
Lots in store!

[out-ro and fade]

Inspiration had a little assist from McKludge and McArthur, methinks. © 2007 Tommy Turtle. All rights reserved.

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Voting Results

Pacing: 5.0
How Funny: 5.0
Overall Rating: 5.0

Total Votes: 14

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   0
 2   0
 3   0
 4   0
 5   14

User Comments

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Agrimorfee - October 26, 2007 - Report this comment
Reminds me of a tune I heard on Dr. Demento a few times called "Entering Marion" (about a probably nice little town in Pennsylvania ;))
McKludge - October 26, 2007 - Report this comment
I used to live in that area. You forgot East and West Hempfield, SInking Spring, Beavers Mill. 555
Peter Andersson - October 26, 2007 - Report this comment
Way back I did a parody about the town F*cking in Austria, there's just too many of these places, or not...
Billy Joel (aka) Walt C - October 26, 2007 - Report this comment
Well I'm livin' here in Allentown, not very far from that Amish town... "Wi-fives" for you, don't ya know!
alvin - October 26, 2007 - Report this comment
i enjoyed this little road trip with ya...great concept
AFW - October 26, 2007 - Report this comment
Very unique idea..and I can see you do not shirk the research work..Excellently crafted
TT - October 26, 2007 - Report this comment
Agrimorfee, lol! thanks.

McKludge: Do they do that deliberately to get more tourist $? They must.... good follow-ups there. Thanks :)

Peter Andersson: Yes, there also was a comment about that town in the discussion that inspired this parody. The comments are here:

Billy Joel (aka) Walt C: Must be fun -- next time ya visit Intercourse, bring me back a souvenir, ok? thanks Walt :)

alvin, thanks!

AFW, this was rather fun "research" :) thanks A.
PMS - October 26, 2007 - Report this comment
Intercourse must where they invented The Pennsylvania "Poke" Ya
TT - October 26, 2007 - Report this comment
PMS, I hope they don't take your remark amish -- I mean, amiss . Than ks :)
John Jenkins - October 26, 2007 - Report this comment
This parody scores. Man, it scores.
Andria - October 26, 2007 - Report this comment
There's also a Bonesteel, an Imlay, a Lead (like the toxic metal), an Oral, a Roscoe, a Sanator (shades of Larry Craig), a Tripp, and a Wood in my homestate of South Dakota. I live near Winner, but since that town is not a drug- or sex-tinged name, I only listed it because I live near there. The parody was quite humorous, and here are 555 condoms for your excellent rendition of an excellent (of not wholly misleading) OS.
TT - October 26, 2007 - Report this comment
John Jenkins, thanks :)

Andria, LOL! "bonesteel" hmm... Wonder who comes up with these town names, and how? Appreciate the vote and the gift -- now, if only I had a chance to use them..... ;-( thanks A!

Speaking of South Dakota, is it true that if you cross a Lakota with a Texan, you get La-koTex?
Andrew D. Lacroix - October 26, 2007 - Report this comment
From one who lives just 40 minutes from one of the afforementioned towns (guess which one) I liked this song. Never heard of the OS, although I thought it had been redone by a guy named Trent Summer; I forget now if i'm right or not. It's a short drive down 222 from my home in (see a Billy Joel song).
TT - October 26, 2007 - Report this comment
Andrew D. Lacroix, small world, huh? And that's OK, I'd never heard of that particular Billy Joel song until you made me look it up, so we're even :) (Links to the OS lyrics and MIDI are in the intro.) OS was covered many times. Thanks for v/c!
Guy - October 27, 2007 - Report this comment
TT - Burg-er licious. Village people easy readin'. I grew up in SW Pa. When my military career placed me in Maryland near Baltimore or "Balmer" as the locals called it, I visited Lancaster county quite often and can attest to fact that these small one horse drawn buggies of towns do indeed exist with these names. We had some real dingers in SW Pa. Cokeburg Pa. 925 people soaking wet is the hometown of Donald P Bellisario who produced and directed TV shows like Magnum PI, Quantum Leap, Jag and currently NCIS. My family knew his family since my hometown and his were only about 2 miles apart. The series finale of Quantum Leap was about his hometown of Cokeburg and the people in that episode were mostly coal miners from that town and were actually real life individuals whom most of them I knew. "Ziggy" (Char on QL) was an old coal miner, a Russian immigrant named Zigmund who had a beard like Santa Claus. Then their is Eighty-four Pa. Beaver and Beaver Falls suburbs of Pittsburgh, Muse and scores of others. Texas is another state with very strange named towns, like Cut and Shoot, Old Dime Box and New Dime Box, Plum and too many to remember let alone, list. I liked the originality of this parody. Only da turtle coulda thunk this up. Bird-in-Hand is when not have hand in bush with Paradise coming up just before Intercourse when you take route 222 starting with Passion. .
TJC - October 27, 2007 - Report this comment
When, in the intercourse of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to assume unusual township names connecting them with another, and to assume derision among the parody powers of the earth, the separate and hilarious diction-schtickion to which TT's laws of double entendre entitle them, a decent disrespect via the opinions of the amIright subset of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to their humilitation.... (er, Jake... I think he means its good...)
Chris Wolvie - October 27, 2007 - Report this comment
Actually "Entering Marion" was ab Massachusetts towns. But, hey, never heard of Blue Ball, PA. You gotta wonder what them Quakers were smokin' when they came up with the names, eh? You get all 5s...out of 5
TT - October 27, 2007 - Report this comment
Guy: Two good ones in the first two lines there, Sir... I'll bet Cokeburg is the subject of drug jokes now, right? And wasn't Joe Namath from Beaver Falls? He felled his share, I'm sure... Thanks for the info and comment.

TJC, You should turn your Declaration of In-De-Pants-Dance into a parody... thanks TJ :)

Chris Wolvie, yeah, I wondered that... you don't think it was for the tourist dollars? Thanks for vote and comment, Chris. (and weren't some of these Amish as well?)
Darrell Wilhelm - October 28, 2007 - Report this comment
What's so funny about Lancaster? Anyhow, I enjoyed the parody, which is a first-rate rewrite of a mediocre song that is wholly inaccurate (titlewise) in light of the fact that Southern California is mostly on fire, and I enjoyed Andria's comment about amusingly-named towns in South Dakota. My favorite is Bonesteel, however, I do not have to pass through that town when visiting her. (Andria is a good friend of mine.) 555
Guy - October 28, 2007 - Report this comment
TT - Don't know about the drug jokes with Cokeburg. 1. Don't do drugs. 2. Haven't been there since 1998. Cokeburg, Pa. actually got its name from the making of "coke" and not the nose type. Coke is a by-product of coal that is used to make steel or for fuel as a heat source that requires high temperature outputs. Coal is baked in a type of brick oven for some period of time. The resulting product is an ash grey light weight porous material in lump form that could actually float on water. Coke burns at a much higher temperature than coal. Cokeburg produced coke from 1925 until sometime in the 1960s. The town always smelled badly of sulfur brought about by the coke rendering process. As young teenage kids we used to play around the mine yard. We were the original Jackasses of the TV variety of today. On Sundays when the mine was not working we used to play this jackass game of fire stuntman. Near the tipple where the coal was loaded into train cars was a three sided shack made of wood frame and corrigated steel on three sides and the roof. In the middle of the regtangular building was a pot belly stove that my uncle and others whose job it was to load the train cars used as a shelter. In the winter they burned coal in the stove to keep warm. The shack was along a hillside. Across the RR tracks was the area where they recycled oil. We would get that stove so hot using coke as fuel that the outside of the stove was almost molten complete with a red glow to it. We would take turns filling up a bucket full of oil, climb onto the roof and dump it down the stove pipe. The resulting fireball was instanious and lethal. The steel roof protected us from the flame but the fire ball produced would rise to about 100 feet in the air. We would then jump through the fire back off the back of the shed and land a safe distance from the inferno. Not one of us were ever hurt doing this but I recommend that you kids do not try this at home or "you'll burn your eye out kid" ho ho ho.
TT - October 28, 2007 - Report this comment
Darrell Wilhelm: Nothing funny about Lancaster, but having created a pattern of liking place-names, Lancaster was also linked for those who might not know that that's the county in which all these towns are located, in which case the "Lancaster" reference might not have made much sense. Agree OS isn't completely accurate, but if it rained more often, they wouldn't be on fire :) Thanks for v/c!

Guy: I knew about coke/coal. Just a lame joke.
Guy - October 28, 2007 - Report this comment
TT - For a amphibious reptile with a pea brain you, my friend with the colorful candy like shell are wise beyond your genome. Not like those TMNT types you shy away from the pizza and other worldly trapping and would immediately get a byte sized bit of clearity from our hero of the hills Barney Google who knows all and can be accessed with the click of that with the same name as a small rodent, the mouse. Barney will give up his secrets to you since you know how to communicate effectively with him I wanted to share the news of this tiny burg and its claim to fame by its name and one of its favorite sons who went on to produce entertainment of intrigue for the small screen to all others who read your wit with wonder. Honest..
Patrick - November 29, 2010 - Report this comment
Finally caught up with this one, 3 years late. I remember making a call from a pay phone on the front porch of a little store there and telling my mother I was "in the middle of Intercourse". The only thing I saw for sale was produce and Amish hats. Not a lot of tacky souvenirs one might have expected. Parts of movie "Witness" filmed there. You'll like this: the national chain hotel charged $69 a night.
Tommy Turtle - December 02, 2010 - Report this comment
Patrick: Don't leave us hanging! (so to speak, heh!) *What* was your mother's response to *that*? ;-D   (psst - people, I think he's making that up. No one would call their mother and say that -- would they? ;)
          I'd not expect the Amish to make tacky jokes about the name of their town, but rather, some entrepreneur near the entrance/exits to same. ... LOL @ the hotel price, though that can be either a prelude or a substitute ... :wink:

Thanks for going through my old stuff and v/c-ing. Haven't been writing lately, but the muse will strike again some day, I'm sure. Always nice to see a new comment; sorry that I'm a couple days late in getting back to you. Cheers.
Patrick - July 08, 2011 - Report this comment
I got the chance to go back and look at some of your old stuff. Seems I've been to this one before. My mom took a couple moments to figure out what I was talking about. She had a hard time figuring out my sense of humor, as most people do. I was not making up this story. Absolutely true. I think Mom told a friend of hers (a fellow Wild West reenactor) but said that I was in "Climax". I may have seen an "I (heart) Intercourse" bumper sticker but otherwise the place was mostly a flea market where tourists could ignore the fabulous farm scenery, a shop catering to horse owners, and a couple of general stores selling bolts of plain fabric to the Amish and modest prints to the Mennonites. I bought a black hat and some postcards of people in buggies. There was an old bank building renamed "The Military Museum of Edged Weaponry" and a book store with a display of Amish artifacts.
Tommy Turtle - July 09, 2011 - Report this comment
Patrick: You're welcome to visit and revisit as many times as you like, of course -- and I'm referring to TT parodies, not the towns. :-D ... I'm sure the Amish are not fond of being a "hip" tourist attraction for people to stare at them.

I did like the movie "Witness". which portrayed them very favorably. They have a quality that is becoming far too rare these days: They leave other people alone and mind their own business (wish everyone would), and they don't try to force their beliefs on others.

Also, they don't want bailouts or handouts or pork-barrel legislation. Last bastion of self-reliance in the country. Thanks for the revisit.
Patrick - July 09, 2011 - Report this comment
There is an Amish community in Jamesport, Missouri, about 100 miles north of Kansas City. They have town wide garage sales and an antique car show during the summer. I went to see the car show and realized that my car was older than half the vehicles on display. One fellow had a 1960 Rambler with the hood open. He told me that in those days oil filters were optional equipment. There is a bus tour of the Amish stores, but since I know where the stores are, I drive myself. Couple of nearby Mormon historic sites, Adam-Ondi-Ahman & Far West. Met a Mormon fellow at Far West who was traveling from New York, and had just come from Nauvoo, Illinois. He told me that 6000 people had lived at Far West in the 1830's. Today it is mostly empty fields. Same for Adam-Ondi-Ahman. The Amish seem to put up with the tourists, and I've never seen anyone disrespect them. Thanks to the Amish, Jamesport is a thriving town, while many of the smaller towns around it are all but dead.
Tommy Turtle - July 09, 2011 - Report this comment
Patrick: I DK about the Amish in MO, thanks. LOL @ your car! -- I learned to drive in an old Rambler with 3-on-the-tree. ... 'course, was only 12 at the time. ... Glad no one disrespects them, and yes, self-reliance prevents ghost towns.

I knew of the LDS "exodus", so to speak, in which they were persecuted wherever they went, so they finally went to the salt flats and desert-scape of Utah, where no one would bother them. Greatest snow on Earth - Alta, about 500"/yr, second only to Grand Targhee, WY in quantity and quality. (In snow, you apparently can have both.... ;D
Meriadoc - October 09, 2012 - Report this comment
My aunt and uncle used to own a farm in Coitsville, OH. Shame it's missing a letter. And driving home along 422 one day I went thru a place called Dilltown, PA. Aussies love that one, as well as our local: Rootstown. And did you known that in western Pa (cannot recall which county - may be Butler), there is a combination Miniature Golf/ Ice Cream place called....

Lick 'n' Putt ?
Tommy Turtle - October 09, 2012 - Report this comment
Meriadoc, Dr. Sheldon Cooper would approve of the completed name of that town, though he'd avoid it like the plague....
TT's BBTL parody (no plug-links; limit reached, at least for today) inspired commentary that included the mention of Cooter, MO and a few other 2-entendre town names, including that rather famous one in Austria -- and the town that inspired this parody a few days after that one was posted.

Oh, heck, Pip's already seen it -- why does he see all the Best of TT first ?

As for that recreation, yeah, I could go a few rounds with you there. ;-D

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