Ev'ryone's forming a line
To catch this monster on film
It's like a bottomless goldmine
That I'm never gonna fill
These folks will pay plenty
For something that they'll never see

(It's a load of bunk)

And I am quite surprised
That no-one's said "What a gyp!"
Though they have been close to doing a flip
Of their middle finger, but what's
That by that tree?

(They'll pay anything)

They'd fork out half their cash to get a ticket
Just to whip their cam'ra phone out and click it
It might be floating logs, but
It just means extra cash for me

(Yell "Look, what's THAT?!")

They couldn't care 'bout small purple men from Mars
Or if gangsta's kill if you flash their cars*
Something might be down there
Waiting for kids to eat

(Oh wait, did I just say that?)

I've got more cash than I'd ever dream I'd have
I guess a lot of folks believe this crap

'Cause they all just wanna see that Loch star
And take a blurry picture, then they'll hit the bars
The beers come quickly and the brags get high
The photo's eaten so they still swing by
So they can take one more grainy snap
This cycle repeats 'til it's their dirt nap
All the fat, dumb tourists
Gonna wind up here
And they'll take their pictures
And order their beers

Hey hey, they wanna find the Loch star

Hey hey, they'll never find that Loch star

When I first heard about Nessie, I laughed my ass off
Though they said tourists pay just to take a snap of
Anything that looks a bit
Like the monster that they came for

(So I got an idea, ha ha)

I wrote a sign that said
"Just two pounds for pictures"
With the words "Loch Ness" with it's head depicted
Then I bought a length of rope so only
Folks who paid me could go

(And the people fell for it?)

This gig's almost as good as fortune and fame
It's a good thing those folks don't have a brain

'Cause they all just wanna see that Loch star
They'll try to film that beastie then get in their cars
The cash flows easy, 'cause the folks are thick
They'll lose their picture and come back real quick
So they'll pay up just to catch a blur
They'll show me their find and I'll say "Sure, sure
Now you've got your pictures
See that building there?
That's my little gift shop"
And they just go spare

'Cause if there's one thing that tourists like
Is to buy a little something for their screaming tykes**
I may be quite a prick, but it's all worthwhile
When I see those little faces light with a smile, when

Hey hey, they get a plushie Loch star

I'm gonna sell my crap
With my main man Spencer
Got some Loch Ness Monster style Pez dispensers

I'll get caught for doing this once again
I'll just get a nose job, cut my hair, change my name

'Cause they all still wanna see that Loch star
It's not like they will believe in those men from Mars
Their cash flows easy 'cause I'm selling cheap
And Spencer's out there in those waters deep
With his costume from the costume shop
And he'll splash around, but it's hard to top
That mini tape player
That is waterproof
Makes a roar so loud
That you'll soil your boots

And it's quite foggy here at Loch Ness
So when Spencer's in his get-up with the large headdress
The one that looks a lot like a monster's head
It's a pretty simple gag just to make some bread

Hey hey they'll try to see that Loch star
Hey hey Spencer's the only Loch star