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Song Parodies -> "Vast Wasteland I. From Berle It's a Single Thread"

Original Song Title:

"The Waste Land I. The Burial of the Dead"

Original Performer:

T.S. Eliot

Parody Song Title:

"Vast Wasteland I. From Berle It's a Single Thread"

Parody Written by:

John A. Barry

The Lyrics

I doubt if anyone will attempt to slog through this, but just in case: This is caustic poet T.S. Eliot, author of "The Waste Land," meets dyspeptic Kennedy-administration FCC commissioner, Newton Minow, who coined the immortal term "vast wasteland" to describe television. "TWL" is in five parts. In addition to English, it incorporates Latin, Greek, Hindi, German, French, and Italian. I've attempted to tackle the German, French, and Italian, but not the others. For dilettantes such as myself, there are annotated versions of "TWL" at http://eliotswasteland.tripod.com/ and http://members.chello.nl/~a.vanarum8/EliotProject/Waste_notes/Waste_A.htm For the most part, I've attempted to hew to the meter and line-end rhymes of "TWL," sometimes retaining original line endings.
April is the pre-sweeps month, weeding,
Whacking weekly wheat from chaff, nixing
The lame fare that ain't stirring
The soul or the brain. . .
Winners often wan, colorless,
Mirthless forgettable shows, feeding
Pap and pabulum through the tube.
Worst: two-syllable afternoon stars--barely!--they
Sends us to the drain; and unstop us, a colon aid
An Emmyless enema; it's not made to smarten
Us up as we watch by the hour.
"Fernsehen," keine Griechisch mit Latein gemischt, echt Deutsch.
["Distance-seeing," not Greek mixed with Latin, genuine German.*]

Back when we were children, we would watch an arch Stooge
Conking the cueballed Curly on the head.
Another's frightened; he's called Larry,
Of build he's slight; he's slightly bent,
But he is spouting drollery.

This before always-connected, discontented winter,
Back when Uncle Miltie had his show,
Brought to us each week by the Sun Oil+ man.
Miltie, it was told, was burly-bonely.
Yet in the kinescopic image he wore sheets,
A drag-draped Carmen Miranda, and hidden were his briefs.
Looking like Bizet's seƱorita, comely
Before the camera, in new frock
(At least he'd not mock the doc who penned "Prufrock"++),
Invisible visage wafting through ether,
Decoded on cathoded tube, coming through.
Folks flocked in the evening for a ritual new.
Then his show was here, and he brandished a bust.

Er trug den Chintz,
Mit schoenem Schuh,
Isst eine Blintz
Und keine Kuh.
[He's draped in chintz
With lovely shoes.
No meat with blintz. . .
A kosher Jew]

He had hyacinths on his verdant chapeau,
Yes, the guy clinched it as a girl.
"Mister Television" might play a jail warden.
In other skits he'd ape a liquored sot
Or gape, a lascivious geezer.
They were winging it; they had nothing
As precedents. . .radio, talkies, silents. . .
Ihr Verstand, nichts mehr
[Their wits, nothing more]
Madame Sosostris, famous clairvoyante
Was one of his characters,
Played as a grande dame dowager from Europe.
At times--not stick to cue cards. Back then he
Couldn't fake it or phone it in--fail 'r
Keep it going, for millions looked
At the teledonna, lady in frock, awaiting comedic situations
(All of this preceded "Jeopardy" and the "Wheel.")
And the screen's omnipresent eye was a hard
Taskmaster; he carried the whole show on his back.
Sometimes. If a bit didn't work; he'd have to find
A way out--maybe throw water
In a guest's face, or in falsetto sing.

Thank you, NBC, for your trio of tones
(A second inversion, major triad),
And you are still at it today.
"Second City"
Has fed the show that Uncle Miltie spawned
Nearly sixty year ago. Yes, so many
Years have passed and, again, so many
Of them, more than half--we've been regaled
By "Saturday Night Live"; it's quite a feat
To pull off a thirty-plus-year streak.
Despite considerable powers,
Uncle Miltie made it shy of nine.
But in that "short" time he begat many a set "son,"
Such as Sid, Jackie and Red, and those two smiley
"Laugh In" guys. . .seeds in his comedic garden
Sprouted a surfeit of shows in ensuing years.
From Uncle Miltie, there's a single thread,
From then to funny women and men.
(Quite frankly this is all beyond my ken,
Moi, critique "hip," voyeur, semblant de savoir-faire.)
[I'm a "hip" critic, watching, pretending to know what I'm talking about]


*The word "television" (meaning "distance seeing") is a hybrid composed of Greek and Latin roots. German generally employs German only for neologisms, so the German for television is "Fernsehen," "distance-seeing."
+Texaco, actually, but Sun Oil is closer to the original line.
++"The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock," by Eliot, who completed his dissertation but did not in fact get a Ph.D.


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Voting Results

 
Pacing: 4.8
How Funny: 4.5
Overall Rating: 4.5

Total Votes: 6

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

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User Comments

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AFW - March 14, 2006 - Report this comment
Very funny, and witty, classic TV "Yuck"-umentary..3 b&w fives
alvin rhodes - March 14, 2006 - Report this comment
this is gonna be good...can't wait for the continuation
Tommy Turtle - March 14, 2006 - Report this comment
Read Prufrock in HS... This is gonna take some download/dissect to savor fully, but what AFW and alvin said... Fives, including for sheer scale... awesome.
John Barry - March 14, 2006 - Report this comment
Thanks, Eliot fans. Four parts to go.
Stuart McArthur - March 14, 2006 - Report this comment
You are a true artist, JAB, taking such a thing on, for your own self-satisfaction. I'm not aware enough of TWL to appreciate this, although those 2 smiling "Laugh-In" guys was part of a point well made - 555
Rick C - March 14, 2006 - Report this comment
WOW! Hey, JAB, I heard a rumor that you were going to visit Massachusetts in the near future. I would be honored to meet you. If the rumor is true, please let me know.
John Barry - March 14, 2006 - Report this comment
You are too kind Stuart. (I'll pay you for the comment later). Many thanks.
John Barry - March 14, 2006 - Report this comment
Rick, just saw your message. I'll be in NH in mid-May but plan to go to Beantown to see the Big Dig. How about lunch at Durgin Park? Maybe JD can join us.
Larry Hensley - March 14, 2006 - Report this comment
Well written, 555
Red Ant - March 15, 2006 - Report this comment
I'm not sure what I just read, but I liked it. Fives for effort alone.
Rick C - March 15, 2006 - Report this comment
If it's on a weekend it would work but, JD and I both work 50 miles from Boston so, lunch there would be tough. I think Mr. Grosvenor would like to join us as well.

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