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Song Parodies -> "If It's Trying To Sell Viagra (Then It's Spam)"

Original Song Title:

"If You're Happy And You Know It (Clap Your Hands)"

Original Performer:

Traditional

Parody Song Title:

"If It's Trying To Sell Viagra (Then It's Spam)"

Parody Written by:

Phil Alexander

The Lyrics

I was asked recently by a non-technical friend of a friend what to do about all the spam he was receiving - I was a bit confused by this, and said "just delete it". He looked a bit plaintive, and said "but how do I know if it's spam?"

Just in case there's anyone else in the same boat, I wrote this as a kind of public information service.
If it's trying to sell viagra, then it's spam
If it's girls who want to shag ya, then it's spam
If the speling is inferior
Anti-paedophile hysteria
If it's money from Nigeria, then it's spam

It uses numb3rs 'stead of letters, then it's spam
Easy credit for bad debtors, then it's spam
If your bank asks for your password
Or PyaPal wants a fast word
Just delete it - get the last word, 'cause it's spam

If there's shares at tempting prices, yeah, it's spam
Ways of beating new tax rises, then it's spam
Proffered pix from some young Venus
Doing dirty deeds so heinous
Things to magnify your... income - yes, it's spam

If the writing's all in Russian, then it's spam
There's nude pix of politussians? Yep, it's spam
Selling software at cut-prices?
Listen, pal, 'cause my advice is
Just delete it - don't think twices, 'cause it's spam

It suggests things to invest in, then it's spam
Though they might look interestin', it's still spam
If they're offering free money
Uh-uh, let me tell you, honey
They will sell you down the Swanee, Hell, it's spam

If there's links to dodgy websites, then it's spam
Eurosceptics wanting plebescites, then it's spam
If it's bad luck not to send
It on to every single friend
Don't it drive you round the bend? Yes, it's spam

An e-card from a classmate? It's still spam
Doctorates with zero pass-rate? Yeah, it's spam
If it's offering you mixtures
Of lewd and naughty pictures
Showing choirboys and victures, then it's spam

If it's offering you free tits, then it's spam
Great big double-D or E-tits, then it's spam
Though you may well want to see tits
There's but one way to beat it
Hit that button and delete it, 'cause it's spam

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 LittleLots
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Original Song: 
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Voting Results

 
Pacing: 4.9
How Funny: 5.0
Overall Rating: 5.0

Total Votes: 31

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   0
 0
 0
 
 2   0
 0
 0
 
 3   0
 0
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 4   4
 0
 0
 
 5   27
 31
 31
 

User Comments

Comments are subject to review, and can be removed by the administration of the site at any time and for any reason.

Rex - August 06, 2007 - Report this comment
Awesome and TMGLTM. Can you put this into an algorithm please?
Johnny D - August 06, 2007 - Report this comment
The Viking chorus couldn't have sung it better.
Jonathan - August 06, 2007 - Report this comment
"CLICK HERE TO SEE THAT I GAVE YOU 5's!" Good Job!
Lionel Mertens - August 06, 2007 - Report this comment
This song is cool cause you can write as many versus as you want. Good job Phil. 5's
alvin - August 06, 2007 - Report this comment
wonderful concept and very creatively written
Arwen - August 06, 2007 - Report this comment
Ha ha!! This is great, Phil!
Michael Pacholek - August 06, 2007 - Report this comment
I got SEVEN such e-mails to my work computer over the weekend. Seven! In this case, not a lucky number. And Phil, weren't you also the author of the all-time Amiright classic "Rats! Another B@$+@rd Spammer"? It sucks that you had to write a sequel, but it was a damn good one!
McKludge - August 06, 2007 - Report this comment
Hey, didn't you already use the free tits/E-tits rhyme? Well, it is a good rhyme. 555
Phil Alexander - August 06, 2007 - Report this comment
:-)
Rex - it has been... buy Mailwasher Pro and you'll see what I mean
JD - yeah, but they'd have trimmed the number of different words used to, er, one
Jonathan - sorry, you won't get away with that: the spelling's all correct ;-)
Lionel - Yep, that's one reason I like it
Alvin/Arwen - thanks
Michael - I came back from a week away and had 142. Sigh. Remembering "Another Bastard Spammer" means you've been around here way too long - thank you for calling it an "all-time Amiright classic", but that's only 'cause it's been around for a while (just spotted your comment was made four years ago. Scary stuff)
McK - that whole verse is a straight rip-off from the "Free Tits" parody. But I couldn't resist
AFW - August 06, 2007 - Report this comment
If it's written by Phil Alexander, then it's fives
Kristof Robertson - August 06, 2007 - Report this comment
HOT_BAB3S_N33D_LUV_!_SEND_£555_NOW...;-)

Great stuff, Mr A...
Ann Hammond - August 06, 2007 - Report this comment
Love it
Red Ant - August 06, 2007 - Report this comment
If it's flooding out your inbox, then it's spam
Advertisements for cheap botox, then it's spam
When it's in a foreign language
and those symbols cause you anguish
One click will make 'em vanish
No more spam =)

Excellent work, Phil. 555
Peregrin - August 06, 2007 - Report this comment
This was great Phil, I laughed the whole through. A rare parody that every person in the world (at least that has net access) can relate to). Excellent.
Tommy Turtle - August 07, 2007 - Report this comment
If it's expert funny timing, must be Phil If it's goofy female rhyming, must be Phil I will always take a gander At new things from Alexander And I say this with all candor, trust me, Phil If it's license quite poetic, must be Phil Syl-ly-bill-ic, not phonetic? Must be Phil If nobody can excel it, Sing, pronounce, or even spell it; Pull a Turtle from his shell, it must be Phil! ("PyaPal" was deliberate, right?)
John Jenkins - August 07, 2007 - Report this comment
"Nude politussians" and other excellent word gymnastics. Very well done, Phil.
Meriadoc - August 07, 2007 - Report this comment
Phil, I could sell ya 5's or instead how about a Rolex for an amazing low price...? :-)
bobpiecheese - August 07, 2007 - Report this comment
I don't get e-mail spam. I get MySpace spam. As in...

Hot girls ask to be your friend, then they are spam
If they all use the same picture, they are spam
If they have a different profile
On a site where they are nude, while
You should put them in the trash pile, cuz they're spam!

Really. Brilliant job, Phil! $555 on this being in the August SOTM!
Phil Alexander - August 07, 2007 - Report this comment
RA, TT & BPC - Thank you for your extra verses :-D
Merry - forgot about cheap Rolexes...
JJ - that was intended as a nod to Spaff's "Donald Rumsfeld in the buff" line
Pippin/Kristof - :-D
AFW... let me finish that for you (he says, modestly):
If it's by Phil Alexander, then it's fives
Any less would be a slander, give 'im fives
Even though he's made some botches
Leaving out fake Rolex watches
Leave a comment: "Buenos noches" (and some fives)
JP - August 07, 2007 - Report this comment
Haha, so good. Big 5's.
stuart mcarthur - August 10, 2007 - Report this comment
Ha! smiled the whole way through, and it just kept getting funnier - this should be a TV sketch, Phil - you have to record this one, it's one of your best, mate :-) - 555
Peter Andersson - August 10, 2007 - Report this comment
As the resident Viking I'll just echo what everyone else has already said.
TJC - August 11, 2007 - Report this comment
Spamtastic Phil... LOL concept and (s)ex-ecution! Here's an 18 month subscription to ZoneAlarm555 for ya!
Agrimorfee - September 10, 2007 - Report this comment
(SOTM) Deserves its 24 votes..."Eurosceptics wanting plebescites---whoa! Final stanza got kind of desperate.
Phil Alexander - September 10, 2007 - Report this comment
:-) Thanks everyone
Ag - final stanza was a straight rip-off of my "Free Tits" SOTM. I couldn't resist, I'm afraid.
Stu - Thanks- re the recording, I'll give it a try, but there's a couple ahead of it in the queue.
Matthias - September 11, 2007 - Report this comment
I'm all for pimping other songs within songs, but I'll tell you what I'm not all for. I'm not all for spamming bastards at all, I recently had to deal with a lot of them in my archieves over the last couple of days so I can relate to this.
Max Power - September 16, 2007 - Report this comment
555 lbs of spam
bobpiecheese - September 24, 2007 - Report this comment
(SOTM) cLiCK HErE to SeE HoT CHiCks ! totALly FReE I sWeAR! vIsIT www,fivefivefive.com NOw fOr hOt chIcKs Or yOu'Ll be dEaD WiThIn tHrEe dAyS!!1
Ethan Mawyer - September 28, 2007 - Report this comment
I've got nothing bad to say about this one. I'm surprised that no one else gave kudos to the pyapal line, so I will. Kudos. Best line of many good ones.
stuart mcarthur - September 29, 2007 - Report this comment
(SOTM) a delight to read this again Phil - love it - clever lines everywhere, not least of which being "Things to magnify your... income " - teehee - 555
Jason - September 29, 2007 - Report this comment
(SOTM) This is brilliant! Well done.
wannabemustangjockey - September 29, 2007 - Report this comment
SOTM - Nicely done.
Kristof Robertson - September 30, 2007 - Report this comment
(SOTM) A wonderful tutorial on the evils of your inbox. Phabulous, Phil...555
Mikey Squirrel - September 30, 2007 - Report this comment
SOTM- Very brilliant and funny. I will use this as a guideline for opening my e-mail. Good job, Phil!
Cat - September 30, 2007 - Report this comment
(SOTM) I tried to sing along with this but barely made it through from laughing so hard! TMGLTM but "Things to magnify your... income" was a favorite. And children's songs are wicked hard to keep churning out original verses for, so particular kudos here.

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