St. Nick - SN

Chris Hanson - CH

SN - Twas the night before Christmas
CH - When you googled her house

SN - Not a creature was stirring
CH - Her breasts clicked your mouse?

SN - The stockings were hung
CH - For your Trojans and beer

SN - Hoping, I, St. Nick
CH - Would have sex with her here

SN - The children were snug
CH - You wrote, "Let's nestle in bed."

SN - While pix of
CH - Your beerbelly got them upset

SN - And mom
CH - Would be out

SN - And I
CH - Would be back

SN - Had just settled down
CH - To have sex with her cat?

SN - When out on the lawn
CH - You snuck up the rafters

SN - I sprang from my bed
CH - 'Coz your d--k was the matter!

SN - Away to the window
CH - You tracked her down fast

SN - Tore open the shutters
CH - You hoped she would flash

SN - The moon
CH - Quote, "breasts of her teenage yule glow."

SN - Gave the lustre
CH - Yes, you lusted for objects below

SN - When, what to my
CH - Wandering eyes brought you here

SN - But a miniature sleigh and
CH - You're queer with reindeer?

SN - With a little old
CH - Cabdriver to bring you home quick

SN - I knew in a moment
CH - You're screen name's St. Dick

SN - More rapid than eagles
CH - You filed her screen name

SN - I e-mailed, I wrote
CH - Yes, quote, "In love, there's no shame. Now dash here, now dance there, prance on you sweet vixen. Oh come on my cupid while you don my mittens. Swallow my pork, get spread on my wall. Now slide off my pants and play Christmas Balls."

SN - As dry heaves that before
CH - You knew I'm this news guy?

SN - What I met was an obstacle
CH - You brought Spanish Fly?

SN - So, up on the rooftop
CH - You hid cameras, didn't you

SN - With my sleigh full of
CH - Boys all horny for you

SN - And then, I was twinkling
CH - No, you peed on the roof

SN - The prancing and pawing
CH - Got you off, goof

SN - As I drew in my hand
CH - A map of the grounds

SN - Down the chimney
CH - You wanted her tied, gagged, and bound!
SN - No, I..

CH - Enough. Want some cookies and milk?
SN - Sure. Mmm. These cookies are good.

COOKIE BREAK

CH - You're dressed all in fur from Pervs of H'Wood
You're clothes stink of cigarettes, beer, and fast food
A bag of sex toys I see on your back
You look like a pedophile about to get smacked
Your eyes look beady, your nose, predatory
Your cheeks are all red, bet your breath tells the story
Your drooling mouth hungers for places to go
Dating jailbait's illegal, dip St. Dick in the snow

I see a crack pipe held tight in your teeth
Throw a noose 'round your neck instead of a wreath
You got a hog face and a giant round belly
Your beard's an elf's nest and your underwear's smelly
You're a grubby old lump that fell off the shelf
But I'll film you and your filth in spite of myself

He twitched his eye and twisted his head
When I told him he had something to dread
I said, I'm Chris Hanson, you're live on TV!
Then he went pale and sank to his knees
He took down his stockings, cried, "I ain't no perv!"
Called for his reindeer and called me a jerk
Gave me the finger, thumbed his red nose
Walked out the door as cops sprang from the snow

But I heard him exclaim as they read him his rights
"I'll sue the cops and your network all in one night!!"