A testy red-clad gentleman
Says "Just like Groundhog day
December's iced the sleigh again
Must thaw without delay
To save and conserve Reindeer's power
Then annual game gets played
To find me some good young girls and boys
Dump them some toys
Oh, I'm feeling like dumb schmuck pizza boy..."

O'er Palestine and Israel,
I weathered my first 'storm'
A missile spelling danger
(Told ground-to-air's the norm)
I twitched 'cus it got hairy
My welcome, out, was worn
No tidings from me will here be thrown
Go buy your own
High-tailing from here 'fore bits I'm blown

I've got quite steadily larger
Chimbleys won't fit my frame
Found eggnog, but it's tepid
I'm thirsty, what a shame
Now if in that some Jim Beam's sewn
I'd leave off my harangue
Snacks supplied are all sure to just annoy
Crumpets Savoy
And in China no cookies - just bok choi...

It's easy for those angels
All Christmassy and white
Atop a tree stuck up their (cough)
Think they sure get off light
When three of Santa's helper's quit
It hastened Yuletide plight
Hard finding some temps for to employ
(Green cards enjoy,
That would take pay under counter, tax avoid...)

I'm sheepishly confiding
My schedule's on the line
Bad weather's stopped me speeding
Passed Denmark flying blind
There's cyclones off Australia
So they'll wake, stunned, to find
No striney-ed packages or bags
Ribbons or tags
(Confiding that's stole from Grinch, I brag...)

By now the day's reached 4 a.m.
And whole year's disarrayed
Sleigh's flound'rin heat exchanger
And shocks have given way
Another scary sqealing sound
As deer near-miss cafe
Colliding with structures must avoid
Flurry of toys
As tie-downs came loose o'er Illinois

My trip's had many phases
So tired I'm off my face
In truth, there's many neighbourhoods
I'd rather just erase
Total devoid of briskness
A yuletide gruff disgrace
I'm tired of transporting these toys
Why'm I annoyed?
'Cus I'm Hallmark's December golden boy...