'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house
Not a creature was stirring not even a mouse."

That's because Mom called Pest-Be-Gone to keep her home mouse-free and safe for little Christmas guests. Pest-Be-Gone, the first name in extermination!

"The stockings were hung by the chimney with care
In hopes that Saint Nicholas soon would be there."

And those stockings looked great next to that beautiful new stove from Acme Heating. Won't Santa be proud of you when he sees that beautiful new energy-efficient wood-burning stove? No coal in your stocking this year, just the natural warmth of wood. Call Acme Heating, because hey, who needs trees anyway?

"The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of sugarplums danced in their heads"

That's right, and those children will always have sweet dreams on a SleepRight mattress. SleepRight's patented design helps support you properly for healthful, happy sleep. SleepRight, to help you sleep tight!

"And Mama in her kerchief and I in my cap
Had just settled our heads for a long winter's nap."

And Dad and Mom will sleep soundly, because they take SlumberAid to help them sleep. SlumberAid gently induces sleep that will leave you refreshed and alert if, er, I mean when you awake. Get SlumberAid, and spend the night in dreamland! (WARNING: SlumberAid may cause drowsiness, irritability, addiction, violent behavior, street crime, jail time and nonconsentual relations with a large, hairy cellmate named Bubba.)

"When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter."

Dad, if you had a BurstAlert security system, the police would already be on their way. BurstAlert protects your home and those you love with electronic security for the twenty-first century. Zap those intruders with BurstAlert!

"Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Opened the shutters and threw up the sash."

And that window opened with just a gentle touch because it was a beautiful new GlassKing Window. GlassKing windows are made for today's modern homes. Get clear views of those beautiful summer days, clear winter nights or that young lady across the street who keeps forgetting to pull down her shade. GlassKing, your window on the world.

"The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow,
Gave a luster of midday to objects below."

And if it's luster you want, try QuikShine floor wax. QuikShine waxes as you mop to give your floors the lovely glow you seek. You can see yourself in it! Try QuikShine, and see what your missing!

"When what to my wondering eyes should appear
But a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer."

Wow, what a great ride! And Dad, if you're looking for some new transportation hurry on down to Al's Used Car Emporium for the big Christmas sale. We're making deals, deals, deals to clear out the lot for all of the used cars we'll be getting when people trade in their lemons to buy the new model year! All cars come with a warranty for your peace of mind. So remember, come on down to Al's Used Car Emporium, for the deal of a lifetime! (Warranty good for 1000 miles or until driven off lot, whichever comes first.)

"With a little old driver so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be Saint Nick"

He's lively, all right, because Santa knows that even elves need the quick pep of PepperUpper diet supplement. PepperUpper gives you energy derived from pure Jalapeno peppers! One pill and you'll be peppy all night! (Warning: Use in well-ventilated areas only.) PepperUpper, the doctor's order from south of the border!

"More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;"

Noisy neighbors getting on your nerves? Soundproof your home with EnviroGuard Insulation! EnviroGuard is made from pure organic materials that safely insulate your home from the outside world without hurting the environment. Cut down on your heating bills and that urge to shred your neighbors and hide them in your walls. Keep your environment warm and quiet. Choose EnviroGuard Insulation.

"Now, DASHER! now, DANCER! now, PRANCER and VIXEN!
On, COMET! on CUPID! on, DONDER and BLITZEN! "

Unexpected houseguests for the holidays? No problem! Just call Kate's Katerers to feed your hungry guests in style. Kate will do your cooking and deliver it right to your door. Remember, that's Kate's Katerers, where you can have your Kate and eat it to!

To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!"

And if you have the urge to dash away for the holidays, remember to fly Getaway Airlines. Getaway can fly you anyplace you want to go (as long as it is it's in South America). Leave those winter blues behind on a trip to Columbia. See the sights, enjoy the exotic culture, bring home some of the local produce. In fact, you may find we even give you a few bags to bring home for us. (We'll just want 'em back after you've gone through customs.) Fly Getaway Airlines, and you'll find you want to getaway again and again!

"As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky, "

And with all of the wild weather we've been having lately, isn't it time you prepared for emergencies by getting a ReadyVolts gasoline-powered generator. ReadyVolts is ready when you need it, to keep your lights burning and your emergency communications up and running when mother nature gets a flaming case of PMS. Don't be left in the dark. Get a ReadyVolts gasoline-powered generator.

"So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,
With the sleigh full of toys, and St. Nicholas too. "

If you have a big load to lug and you don't have a sleigh, get a U-Lug-It utility trailer. U-Lug-It helps you to lug whatever size load you're luggin' - small, ,medium or large. And there's no need to worry about proper loading. Nobody ever checks!! What fun to test your skills trying to keep a lopsided load on the road! So come on, ya big lug! You CAN take it with you! Across town or across the country, lug a U-Lug-It.

"And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof. "

But don't worry, folks, because that roof can be made good as new by Bob's Roofing Service. Bob can fix a hole, repair broken shingles or replace your entire roof and all at a price that will surprise you. (Heck, it'll darn near give you a heart attack!) So if those pesky flying reindeer are making your roof into a wreck, call Bob's roofing service. We've got you covered!

"As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound. "

Debt increasing in leaps and bounds? It's time to talk to Shifty Sharks Loan Service. Consolidate all of those little nagging bills into one great big tidal wave of anxiety! We offer payments you can afford (or else). And our friendly staff will gladly make housecalls if you have any trouble paying. Remember, if you've got debt problems, Shifty Sharks Loan Service is here to help - ourselves.

"He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot; "

What a mess! Mom, shouldn't that chimney be kept safe and clean for Santa? Call SootBusters for complete chimney and duct cleaning. SootBusters, Santa's little helpers since 1985.

"A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler just opening his pack. "

And if you're looking to peddle something yourself, put an ad in the classified section of the Daily Trumpet. The Daily Trumpet gets your ad seen by a circulation of thousands, so you can sell it quick. That's right, thousands of peopl you don't know can have your name and address. Just imagine the interesting people you could meet! And they all know you have sometyhing of value that nobody would miss! Yes, it pays to advertise! So, go ahead, invite total strangers into your home! Use the Classified section of the Daily Trumpet, and maybe YOU'LL be hearing that final trumpet soon!

"His eyes -- how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry! "

And you can bett Santa got that shiny nose from drinking Guzzlin' Gus's Gin! Yes, Guzzlin' Gus will give that warm, satisfyinf Christmas buzz that'll last right through to New Years. Guzzlin' Gus will help improve your social life, too. Just think of the interesting people you'll meet in the drunk tank. And you'll get well acquainted with the brave men and women in law enforcement in your town! So for a really great glass of holiday cheer, drink Guzzlin' Gus's Gin. Now available in antifreeze flavored for the really serious drinker.

"His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow; "

And if you want snow white whites on laundry day use SnowFlake detergent. SnowFlake gets your whites whiter and your brights brighter. It's tough on stains yet gentle on your delicate things. (SnowFlake should not be used on THOSE delicate things. Try body wash instead.) Try SnowFlake and your whole wash, even colors, will be snow white!

"The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath; "

And Dad won't mind the aroma of that fine tobacco, because Santa smokes Prince Hubert. Prince Hubert has a bold, rugged flavor that says "I'm not afraid of cancer!'" It's a manly smoke, and it's been fortified with eight essential toxins and pesticides. Smoke Prince Hubert, for the man who laughs at the thought of long term hospice care. Now available in cool, soothing menthol to cut through that emphysema!

"He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly. "

Mom, do you want to make a lunch your kids will love? Try Belch's Grape Jelly. Belch's is full of fruity goodness and the security of genuine chemical preservatives! Belch's stays fresh longer, helps you live longer, and keeps down those nasty embalming expenses afterwards! That's right, Belch's puts the "preserves" in preservatives! Try a jar today!

"He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself; "

Dad wouldn't be laughing at Santa if he knew how serious obesity is. But Santa can have the last laugh with new FlabTastic diet pills! FlabTastic melts away flab using scientifically proven methods. FlabTastic has helped dieters lose thirty, forty, even fifty pounds or more! Four out of five doctors surveyed said FlabTastic gets results quickly. (The fifth is holding out for a bigger payday.) So don't be chubby and plump! Get rid of flab the FlabTastic way! (Results not typical or even remotely close to reality.)

"A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread; "

Dad has nothing to dread because he has Mutual of New Bedford Life Insurance. No matter what he knows that his family is well provided for. Give your loved ones the peace of mind that comes with knowing they can cash in big when you cash in your chips! Mutual of New Bedford, because your wife probably won't have you bumped off for the bucks.

"He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings; then turned with a jerk, "

Ouch! That sounds painful! And if sudden movements, heavy lifting or an accident leaves you in pain, visit the Chiropractic Offices of Doctor Bill Morebucks and Associates. Let Doctor Morebucks and his experienced staff prod, crack and snap you back into shape. That's Doctor Bill Morebucks and Associates, because real doctors bill even more bucks!

"And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose; "

Nodding off at work? Try Perk-olate, the stimulating pick-me-up that contains as much caffeine as six full cups of coffee. Perk-olate will perk you up and keep you wide awake (sometimes for days)! Be more productive, more alert and more likely to experience the thrill of tachycardia! Perk up with Perk-olate. Now available in espresso!

"He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle. "

And if you want your wash to be a soft as the down of a thistle, try Silky Fabric Softener. Silky leaves your clothes soft and smelling springtime fresh - even on a cold winter's evening.

"But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,
"HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOOD-NIGHT."

No purchase necessary. Void where prohibited. Offer ends December 25th. Your happiness may vary.