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Song Parodies -> "Seven-Inch, Thick, Strong Bones In Each Merry Maid (*SFW*)"

Original Song Title:

"Seventy-Six Trombones"

Parody Song Title:

"Seven-Inch, Thick, Strong Bones In Each Merry Maid (*SFW*)"

Parody Written by:

Tommy Turtle

The Lyrics

Some web lyrics seemed only half-complete. Used this one, which looks good, and goes well with this video from the stage play (not the 1962 movie).

Seven-inch, thick, strong bones in each merry maid
(It's quite humorous: "hu-mer-us", not a gland)
With cun-(-neiform): rosy glows
Spread her ankles, and it shows:
It's seen in feet on which we stand

Prominent "prongs": pert pair: acetabula
With the iliac crests (the best!) 'bove behind
Phabulous phlocks oph pha-langes phling
(Hoping: wedding ring –
-- Once, adorns; for lovely shape, a prize!)

There are female femurs; tibiae in high-heeled shoes
Wiggling, jiggling, ulna on display
Double-globed, "great" glutei, and big bazooms [1]
Leaving "womb": having a kid, some day!***

Thigh: lie rectus femori and intermedius
Lateral, medial, vastus: making four
Lovely gastrocnemii
To catch the eye of every guy
A gal, 'ttractive, hoping they will score!

[interlude: musical muscle, or muscular music, or mucosal mucous... ]

Symphysis: pubic bone: perfect "mounting" point
Got a hankering: "10" brunette comes my way
There, to titillate: tons of treats
Like her Twitter™ and her Tweets™
As she's arching: thrill, night and day!

[dance number -- the two of us doin' the dance]

Two hundred six femme bones, are each maiden, made
Pelvic, lumbar: an arch sprang out: nice, appear
Sparking off such a poontang long, lust'ly, I seize thong
With a big wang, bang her from the rear! [1a]

"Gray's": rather thick; some tome! -- good account; each joint
Of women and men: sil'houettes: all parts, show
This, I modestly wrote for AIR, with what little wit, could spare
With the foot-notes hidden down below!

[repeat after T: "Learning is fun!]

[1] We interrupt this highly-scientific parody for a brief bit of juvenile humor, but with OS line "big bassoons", is any other sub even *possible*? ... We now return to our regularly-planned treatise.

[1a] See above comment. OS lines:
"Starting off with a big bang bong on a Chinese gong
"By a big bang bonger at the rear".
......Nothing else is even possible. ("long" as in "longing [for])"

"Humerus" - the upper arm bone.

"Cuneiform"- naming and describing bones found in the foot, as well as ancient Sumerian writing (the oldest known writing in the world, around 3400 BC in southern Iraq). Literal meaning: "wedge-shaped," from the Latin "cuneus", meaning "wedge".
(Surely no other thought would occur to AIR readers -- *especially* TT's -- but in the unlikely event that it did, that is in fact the origin of that particular Anglo-Saxophonic slang.)

"Acetabula" (plural; singular = "acetabulum") - the socket on the hip that receives the head of the femur, or thigh bone. It's that top of the femur that is actually sometimes visible (under the skin, of course), in fairly slender people. ("Prominent prongs...") You can feel it, though: put your hand on the lower outside of the hip, then twist (rotate) the thigh inward and outward. You'll feel the femur moving as you do. (Geek-note: That lovely curve in the ladies is the "greater trochanter" of the femur.)

"Iliac crest" - the upper border of the pelvic bone, which comes to something of a prominence at the top front; again, visible as a protrusion of the skin in those with lower body fat. (Pics available for a small fee.)

"Phalanges" (plural; singular = "phalanx") - the bones forming the fingers or toes.

"Femur" - as above, the thigh bone, longest bone in the human body. (Stop snickering!) "Tibia" - one of the bones of the shin; plural "tibiae". (or "tibias", for those who think that "data" and "agenda" are singular, and that the plural of "memorandum" is "memorandums" :-)

"Ulna" - one of the bones of the forearm. It meets with the "humerus" at the "elbow", which is often used by offended "women" to poke "men" in the "ribs".

"Glutei" (plural; singular = "gluteus") - the three muscles of the buttocks, running from hip to thigh: the gluteus minimus (smallest), gluteus medius (take a guess), and gluteus maximus, the largest, or "greatest", of the three. (This is why "great" is a pun here, also meaning "superb".) The gluteus maximus is one of the strongest muscles in the human body, used (along with the other two) in such activities as rising from a squatting position, climbing stairs, jumping, or otherwise extending the thigh away from the trunk, or vice versa (as in, say, touching toes, then straightening back up).
            Although the tone. or lack of same, of these muscles can affect the shape of the buttock, for better or for sag (do your squats!), said shape is also affected by the amount and condition of the fatty tissue above them and beneath the skin. (Do your squats anyway. Good for your overall health, working the largest of the muscles.)

*** (sorry about the atrocious pun - *not* an Elmer Fudd gag) The pelvis of the female is wider than that of the male, to leave womb -- er, room -- for a fetus. Hip, hip, hooray! (And vive la différence!)

The quadriceps femoris, (four-headed muscle of the femur, or thigh, used as both singular and plural), is also very strong, extending the lower leg away from the thigh (as in kicking) or vice versa (again, as in rising from a squat, working along with the glutei). Its four "vast" parts (being long and strong) are the vastus lateralis (on the outside, or "lateral" side, of the leg), the vastus medialis (on the inside, "medial" side), the vastus intermedius (take another guess), and the rectus femoris ("rectus" = "straight"; pluralized "femoris" to "femori"), named for its more direct, straight-line course, which covers the vastus intermedius. All but the vastus intemedius can be detected easily through the skin, especially when flexed, in those with well-developed muscles (bodybuilders and non-heavyweight-class weightlifters) and/or low body fat (advanced runners). All four "heads" are joined to the patella (kneecap) by the patellar tendon.

"Gastrocnemius" (plural: "gastrocnemii", as used here) - the largest, strongest, and most prominent of the muscles of the calf, connected to the heel by the "Achilles tendon". There are many ways to learn the derivation of the name of this tendon, but the most fun way (of course!) is by reading this Fiddlegirl-TT parody.

"Pubic symphysis" - the cartilaginous joint uniting the left and right halves of the pelvis in the front of the body. The softer cartilage (versus bone) allows for flexing and enlargement during childbirth. The pubis, or "pubic bone", is one of the three main bones making up either side of the pelvis. The protrusion visible in females with relatively flat bellies is not so much the bone itself, but rather the "mons pubis", ("mons Veneris" or "mound of Venus", in Latin), or pubic mound, a layer of fat found only in the post-pubescent female, which protects the pubic bones of both male and female during any, uh, "vigorous contact". ... hence, the triple meaning: A "mound", or "mount"; the mounting of the two halves of the pelvis; and, of (inter-)course, the perfect point for the male to mount.

Babies are born with 270 or more bones, but some of them fuse together to become one as they grow. Thus, there are 206 bones in the adult human body, male or female, with some individuals having a few more due to lack of fusing. (No wisecracks.)
            Without intending offense to anyone's beliefs, men and women do in fact have the same number of ribs. However, about 1 in 200 humans has an extra rib, growing from the lowest of the cervical (neck) vertebrae (spinal bones), right above where the ribs normally start at the top of the thoracic (chest) vertebrae. And yes, for some as-yet unknown reason, this 1-in-200 effect is more common (though not exclusive) to females than to males.

Arches: The human spine has four curves, the better to cushion shock vs. a straight line. The lumbar curve, or arch (which matches OS "march" much better than "curve" would ;), is in the very lower back, just above the hips. It curves inward, or forward if a standing figure is viewed from the side. It is more prominent in the female than in the male. (Ahhh...!). The pelvic curve, where the spine joins the pelvis, curves back outward in our silhouette, toward the "rear", so to speak, in both senses of the term. ;) (And you thought anatomy was dull!)

"Gray's Anatomy" (the book, not the TV series, which was deliberately changed/misspelled to "Grey's"), the common short name for "Henry Gray's Anatomy of the Human Body", first published in 1858, still considered the classic and most comprehensive work on the subject, with the fortieth edition having been published in 2008.
TT read Gray's, mostly the sections on the musculoskeletal system, as part of a brief stint as a gym owner and part-time personal trainer. ... Trained two *ladies* (organic, all-natural, steroid-free) to regional, national, and *world* (age-group) championships in powerlifting and in mixed-fitness events, including obstacle courses. *Very* proud of both -- *them*, not himself. They did all the work; TT just yakked, as usual. :-)

"Twitter" and "Tweet" ® Twitter. All else © 2010 Tommy Turtle. All rights reserved. E-mail:

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Voting Results

Pacing: 4.5
How Funny: 4.6
Overall Rating: 4.6

Total Votes: 14

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   1
 2   1
 3   0
 4   0
 5   12

User Comments

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Guy - July 15, 2010 - Report this comment
TT - Bad to the bone! Punny funny lines are simply 'e pluribus unum". My Latin ain't battin' all that many hits, but I recognise genius when I see it in any language. I cannot even begin to conceive of how you think this stuff up. WTMGLTM - It's all good. "Twitter" and "Tweets" indeed were a real treat. Humerus was quite humorous as in LOL. Non stop LOLing throughout. And the interrupting footnote was quite unexpected as well as fresh and unique. This one knocked me out. Et tu TT.
Old Man Ribber - July 15, 2010 - Report this comment
This proves what I've suspected for a long are a BONEHEAD (and I say that with all due respect and admiration). ;D
AFW - July 15, 2010 - Report this comment
Tasty and intellectual vocabularied,(not really a word, I know) brain vittle, clinically and politically cracked, er, correct..(I think)
Vitruvian Fan - July 15, 2010 - Report this comment
TT's puttin' the 'foot' in 'footnote' for realz! I see all your bonin' up on anaTommy has paid off in spades--or was that hypospadias? Either way, a wonderfully funny and well crafted concoction that really livened up the 'joint'!
Christie Marie M - July 15, 2010 - Report this comment
Abolutely no bones about it in your satire! You sure have the 'backbone' to write this. You really are a parody laureate (as I've told Mark), you make clever comments and catchphrases, and so informative are your footnotes that we can learn from. You sure put the anatomy in showtunes. 555.
UnKnownVotrix - July 15, 2010 - Report this comment
~~ ! ! ! ~~ to you, SenorTata, the Duke oProng & Thong !
Andy P - July 15, 2010 - Report this comment
Wow, and we thought that your one yesterday was a bit close to the bone! I see that you haven't been bone idle in your studies. [1] = No.
I never did get my bone M-G finished. You've inspired me to have a look at it again and see if I can finish the last verse. I'll put it on for tomorrow if I can.
Tommy Turtle - July 15, 2010 - Report this comment
Guy: LOL @ opening line! As for how I think this stuff up, I have no idea -- scary, huh? :) Thanks for the very generous and descriptive comment -- you do me great honor, Sir.

Old Man Ribber: Yep, TT usually thinks with his bone head... LOL and thanks!

AFW: "Cracked" was probably right! Thanks for reading this lengthy treatise and for v/c.

Vitruvian Fan: Just so long as you don't catch Pollio! ... Fortunately, no hypospadias here; more like hyperspazzia ... thanks for v/c!

Christie Marie M: Thanks for the laurel wreath! Also for the v/c, and may your verte-bra never itch!

UnKnownVotrix: Why, I rather like that title, UKV! Thank you! :)

Andy P: LOL, and thanks for the [1] confirmation. Glad to have been of inspiration, and look forward to your boner... eh, uh, your parody about fossae, ossa, assae, assay, I say, asssay, etc. ... if you need a nudge to get through "writer's block", you know where to shout. Thanks for v/c.
John Barry - July 15, 2010 - Report this comment
An ostoparodist without peer!
Dr. Tommy Turtle - July 16, 2010 - Report this comment
John Barry, I do believe that you've invented a new specialty! Is it covered under the Administration's Health Care Plan? Maybe this writing stuff can finally pay off after all .... thanks for v/c.
2Eagle - August 11, 2010 - Report this comment
Thanks for the anatomy lesson.
Tommy Turtle - August 11, 2010 - Report this comment
2Eagle: Thanks for reading, and for the comment.
Peregrin - October 20, 2012 - Report this comment
To be honest TT, I found this a bit fractured in places. Then again I am probably just ribbing you!
Tommy Turtle - October 21, 2012 - Report this comment
Peregrin, I attempted to keep this parody to the straight and marrow .... sorry it got a bit splintered, but then again, TT *is* a "green-shtick", you know. ;) Thanks for "cast"-ing an eye on it!
Meriadoc - October 22, 2012 - Report this comment
Ah - now I know! You are really from the land of Os! Looks like you really boned up on your studies for this one. Or should the male theme be: bonar ergo sum?

That'll be $5.55, and would you like glands with that?
Tommy Turtle - October 23, 2012 - Report this comment
ROFLMAO @ "land of Os"!  Thanks, Merry--it's been a typical Monday, as I'm sure it was for you, yet you managed to come up with the laugh that "Thanks -- I needed that!" :-D

So, TT adds "Wizard of Os" to his existing titles of "Wizard of Ahhs" and "Wizard of Baaahhhs"? ;) Thanks again, and yes, I *would* like glands with that. as you'll see or have seen.
Glen S - October 24, 2012 - Report this comment
So her Tweets have been trademarked... good idea. Great wordplay on TT's turtle here. Enjoyed it. Impressive as a giant rooster.
Tommy Turtle - October 25, 2012 - Report this comment
Glen S., long time, no see! Nice to see you back, and thanks for the read/comment. LOL @ "rooster", heh!

I think Twitter owns that trademark, but I suppose each gal has a trademark on her own, except where the company that supplied the implants has the trademark. ;-D
Glen S - October 25, 2012 - Report this comment
NP, TT. GLad to be back around and to catch up on some quailty works I missed. When you get a chance, you should go check out my most recent entry to 'MAJOR GENERAL'. It's about hobbits, but it, also, is impressive as a giant (hobbit) rooster.
Tommy Turtle - October 26, 2012 - Report this comment
Glen S.: Alas, TT DK LOTR, but will check it out.

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