CLUELESS CLIENTS

Staff
I sense clients, sense them everywhere.
Think I’ll get my specialist to see them over there.
Clueless clients, tell ‘em every time;
Seven days a week and they will give you every dime.
Rich and poor, well isn’t it a crime!

Advisers
Clueless clients, waiting for advice;
Waiting for consultants who they think are very nice.
Clueless clients, waiting to be heard
Back at home or in a bank, they wait to hear the word.
Don’t they know we think them all absurd!

Experienced Adviser
Come in, my dear,
Let me see how much cash you have.
This current account…

Annie
You can invest it for me…

Experienced Adviser
My fee is four percent.

Annie
That seems much too much to me.

Experienced Adviser
I’ll make it three and a half. My final word. It’s up to you.

Annie
I think it’s high.

Experienced Adviser
Take it or no.

Annie
Please make it two.

Experienced Adviser
Your last chance now ol’ dear, I need to take my cut!

Advisers
Clueless clients, waiting to be fleeced.
Never even thinking that they’re dealing with a beast.
Long term, short term, any term at all,
Charge a little extra if they don’t want it to fall!
Keep it simple, tell ‘em that you’ll call!

Stockbroker
Pull up a chair. What petty stocks you got there.
Lucky you came, the time is right to sell.
I’ll sell the lot.

Winifred
Don’t rush me, I need some time.

Stockbroker
Let’s do a deal, my commission is 5%.
How about that!

Winifred
It gives me cash.

Stockbroker
How about that!

Winifred
I have no choice. It gives me cash.
5% is daylight robbery to me!

Advisers
Clueless clients! Meet ‘em on the street.
Chat ‘em up in minutes flat and knock ‘em off their feet.
Clueless clients, thinking that they’re poor;
Hoping that with good advice they’ll make a little more.
Take their money, then show them the door!

Clients
Clueless clients, clueless to the core.
Clueless clients, clueless by the score.
Clueless clients, clueless all the more
We are clueless, clueless clients
Clueless clients, need we say more?

(Annie re-emerges, dressed in tat)

Adviser’s Assistant
What’s this about, who’s this poor sucker here?

Assistant 1
One who’s put out, she’s the one sold her stocks.

Assistant 2
She helps her old mum in a care home.

Adviser’s Assistant
I could have guessed; always someone else.
Clueless client, why not try again now!
Clueless client!

Assistants
Come dear lady, haven’t got a dime?
Maybe you’ll be better off next time.
Markets crashed and investments took a fall,
I suppose you’ve gone and lost it all!

(Annie goes off with another adviser)

Sleep tight lovely, now you’ve nothing left.
Sleep tight lovely, call it downright theft!
All advisers, never ever sure,
Cynical and clinical, they’re always after more.
Nifty, shifty, leading all astray,
Even though you fob them off they never go away,
Taking all your money every day!
Clueless clients, trying to get rich quick
Answering cold callers which is really pretty thick!

Annie
OK, expert, come and do your worst.
Are you any better than the one I saw at first.
Take my money, put it in a trust.
Might as well invest what’s left before it gathers dust.
They all know they’re ripping off poor me, already bust!