I was a bad boy; but I got a new grail
I was just funnin’ in m’ Appalachian tale
(Was humpin’, but not up the Appalachian Trail)
Humpin’: lie, lie fibbin’ was I; that’s yesterday
Funnin’: lie, lie ribbin’ yesterday

I’ve changed my tune, of course; down South is where I’d skedaddled
There’s a pun, son, in that line off I rattled
Humpin’: lie, lie fibbin’ was I; that’s yesterday
Gummin’: pie, pie nibblin’ yesterday

Well, some people listened to what they’d heard
And realized right way: it was absurd
Rubbish: lie, lie fibbin’ was I; that’s yesterday
Rubbish: I, I fibbin’ all the way

Some babe I was bonin’, and that weren’t right
The story I made up was pure bullshite
Pumpin’ pie, pie; quiffin’ was I; that’s yesterday
Pumping pie, pie, quimmin’ yesterday

But now I’ve seen errors of my ways
That has made me a new man nowadays
Puntin’ lies, lies fibbin’ was I then, and today
Puntin’ lies, lies fibbin’ still today

So let’s just forget the Appalachian Trail
I want to go hike on some Appalachian tail
Walkin’ my, my dick into a chick down that way
Walkin’ my dick into chicks that way

From now on my sperm goes into the banks
North of the border. . .not the one ’twixt us and Yanks
Pumpin’ pie, pie, but not down where they say, “Olé!”
Pumpin’ pie, pie in the USA

True, I have a cloudy past, not much of a brain
I hope you’ll listen to my new bullshit refrain
Bunch of lies, lies—finished was I; I’m back today
Bunch of lies, lies, but I’m back today

Oh, I would so love to be where I was before my fall
I think you understand why my story was so tall
F**kin’ guy, I, fiddlin’ while wife at home would stay
F**kin’ guy, I, diddlin’ while away

I jumped in the saddle and I pronged her with my horn
But I’m a new man; I have been reborn
Thumpin’ my, my Bible while I’m pimpin’ today
Thumpin’ my Bible “pimpocrite” way

Even though I was disgraced, again I’m gonna run
Go out and pump the flesh—son, that is another pun
Pumpin’ guys’, guys’ grippers, shakin’ mitts all the day
Pumpin’ pie, pie when they look away

I got religion and my past’s down the drain
So I swear, God, exemplarily I will reign
Rubbish: lies, lies; hypocrite am I still today
Rubbish: lie-lie-lyin’ all the way

My words they may sound hollow, have a mendacious smell
If that’s what you think—right! They stink to low hell
F**kin’ lies, lies; shittin’ ya am I still today
F**kin’ lies, bullshittin’ all the way

I just want to get power and money
And maybe screw me a Playboy bunny
Pumpin’ pie, pie; hittin’ on the chicks at the Play’
Pumpin’ pie, pie; pimpin’ at the Play’

So I’m gonna go out and logroll
And hope enough voters are clueless aholes
Dumbest guys and nitwits what I need for my play
Dumbest guys and nitwits, come my way

So I sell my bullshit as fast as I can
Find men and women don’t know it’s a scam
Dumber guys, even, than them in Congress today
Dumber guys than most Con men today

Yeah, my lies are baldfaced; nonetheless, I ain’t rattled
Keep a straight face even when huge one prattled
(One last bad pun, son, it’s tail that I’ve tattled)
Runnin’ lies like rotgut Rye in lawless dry days
Humpin’ pie, pie; but not the dry way