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Song Parodies -> "Leave the Store Open"

Original Song Title:

"Leave the Door Open"

Original Performer:

Silk Sonic

Parody Song Title:

"Leave the Store Open"

Parody Written by:

the_conqueror_of_parodies

The Lyrics

Part of my "Strawberry Ice Cream" self-challenge. I coulda sworn I've done a parody about this before but I can't find proof of it's existence. It's something that everyone in retail hates: that one jackhole customer who comes in two minutes from closing and then stays there for three hours like some kind of tool!
You hate me, you hate me, you hate me

Don't be stupid (don't be stupid), you're an ass (you're an ass)
Oh, don't get mad (don't get mad), just the facts (basic stats)
It's almost nine (tick, tick), soon we'll close (click, click)
That means you should (means you should) make plans to go (whoo-ooh-ooh)
And not scream (not scream, uh) up a storm (huge storm)
Don't say you haven't been warned
Because you're standin' there rantin' near a freakin'
Large sign printed our time span, it's elapsin'

You're complainin', you claim (ah-ah-ah)
That you're not gonna stay inside this place for too long, uh
With ev'ry word you say, you're more wrong

I can't leave the store open (I can't leave the store open)
I won't leave the store open, jerk (I won't leave the store open, hopin')
That you'll get the friggin' hint and just let me clean and kill all the lights, buddy
I've got things at home to do (ooh-ooh-ooh)

We don't need (don't need) your type (your type)
Complete lies (uh-uh) about the time (about the time)
'Cause it's no (always no) "quick sec", okay (just no way)?
You'll be here browsin' 'til it's a new day (whoo-ooh-ooh)
Ooh, buddy, don't keep me waitin'
Just find your stuff and then start payin' (come on)
Don't stand there shiftin', mumblin'
I'm tempted to fetch my broom from the store room, start shovin'

Such a pain in my brain (ah-ah-ah)
'Cause it's always the same, you'd think that 'cause it's so dark, uh
That no-one (no-one) would dare (would dare) stay, it's a farce

I can't leave the store open (I can't leave the store open)
I won't leave the store open, jerk (I won't leave the store open (oh-oh), hopin')
That you'll pick up on the hints that I'm droppin' with my twitchy-ass eye, buddy
None of the tills are on, douche (wake up, jerk)

La-la-la, la-la-la-la (you drive me crazy)
La-la-la, la-la-la-la (and yet you call me lazy)
La-la-la, la-la-la-la (jerk, my hands are tied 'bout this)
Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah (hey, hey)

I can't leave the store open, buddy (I can't leave the store open)
I won't leave, I won't leave the store open, jerk (I won't leave the store open (though I once had), once had)
Once had to give in to all you pricks but we worked out that it's not worth the time, buddy
CEO's can learn, can't you (whoo!)?

La-la-la, la-la-la-la (stop it), stop your rantin' and vamoose
Woo-woo-woo, woo-woo-woo, woo-woo-woo, woo-woo-woo, woo-woo-woo, woo-woo-woo
La-la-la (la-la-la), la-la-la-la (la-la), done it before? Sucks for you
But this policy is not new (oh), at least three months and we've told you (so you should know)
La-la-la, la-la-la-la (stop ravin', ravin', ravin'), you're the one that's bein' rude (it's true)
All of us have home things to do, I say "us", just me, still hate you (la-la, la-la)
La-la-la, la-la-la-la

You can probably tell how long someone's worked in retail by asking if they've dealt with someone like this. Those who haven't can't believe that someone would be that rude. Those who've worked a short while might say they haven't but a coworker has. Those who've worked a long while start staring into the middle distance...

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Voting Results

 
Pacing: 5.0
How Funny: 5.0
Overall Rating: 5.0

Total Votes: 14

Voting Breakdown

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 5   14
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User Comments

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Peter Andersson - January 13, 2022 - Report this comment
We had a costumer just like that when I was young and worked a convenience store, two minutes before closing, twice a week, then usually walked the aisles for fourtyfive minutes and bought very little.

When confronted by the manager after about two months (who came in late one evening to see for himself, and I guess because he got tired of paying for overtime because of one single customer) she said she had some form of social anxiety disorder (fair enough) but that it had been her psychologist's suggestion for her to come in just before closing time like that!!!

I don't know if our manager called that a**hole up and taught him/her a few things about respecting other working peoples time and hours, but at least the behaviour stopped.
the_conqueror_of_parodies - January 14, 2022 - Report this comment
Okay……

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