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Song Parodies -> "Crust Rimes on the Ancient Mariner"

Original Song Title:

"The Rime of the Ancient Mariner"

Original Performer:

Samuel Taylor Coleridge

Parody Song Title:

"Crust Rimes on the Ancient Mariner"

Parody Written by:

John A. Barry

The Lyrics

Dee Range's fabulous parody of "The Raven" inspired me to tackle, Part I at least, of Coleridge's nautical opus.
It is an ancient mariner
And he swabbeth one of three
"By thy long great barb and jittery hand,
Now wherefore swabs't thou me?

The bride's sloop port is open wide,
To heft some cargo in.
The quest is wet. There's yeast, and yet
Would'st enjoy some chin-din.

He holds it with his skinny hand.
"Put'st to your lips," quoth he.
"Jerk'st off! Thy hand's fit, graybeard loon."
Eftoons, his hand slapped free.

He holds him with his other hand—
The guest and pest stood still,
'Tis listing, is his three-foot pile,
The mariner hath it filled.

The wedding guest sat on his bone,
Which reached near to his ear.
And thus spake on that ancient man,
The crazed-eyed mariner.

"We'd drunk our beer, our heads weren't clear,
So merrily did we drop;
Bestow a jerk upon the drill,
Bestow a wide-mouthed sop.

His sunderer came up, to left,
Out of his suit, sprung free!
Then hove upright and gained in height
And down went a swabbie.

Higher and higher with every pulse,
Till it was a mast, jib-boomed.
The wedding guest here beat it west,
It had bent like a bassoon.

The bride hath laced into a ball,
Reddens it with her teeth:
Prodding their heads, before her nose—
The cherry minstrelsy.

The wedding guest he beat his best,
Yet he cannot screw, so hears:
And thus spake on that ancient man,
The crazed-eyed mariner.

And now the worm blast came, and it
Was fellacious and strong:
A thrust with the core-quaking thing
But for one mouth, too long.

With sloping mast and dripping prow,
As those who pursed to yell or blow.
He threads his maw into an "O"
And forward bends his head,
His lips drove fast, long shot the blast,
Then southward, dropped like lead.

Some of the men were missed, and so
Had an unplundered pole.
Then spikes, mast-high, rose to the sky,
Looking to poke a hole.

And through the mist, they sought a rift
In anything between
The legs of men or beasts—girls, e'en,
Where they could all come clean.

Vice had been here, but now was there,
Vice had been all around:
They'd cracked and growled and roared and howled,
Like boys who have to pound!

At length did cross the captain, boss,
Throughout the fog he came:
In search of someone's glistening hole—
To nail it without shame.

To eat meat not had as treat.
Meanwhile rounder it grew.
Some cheeks did split with a thunder-fit:
The captain steered it through!

And a good mouth did spring up behind;
An epiglottis swallowed.
Then tongue-in-groove aimed straightaway,
Toward the mariner's hollow!

The noise was loud; he turned around—
It perched on pleasured hind.
Then came a bite, due to near sight,
Glistened the white Moon, dined.

"What problem, Ancient Mariner?!"
The captain's lips were glossed.
"Why look'st thou so?" Ere boss heaved-ho,
He shot it all across.

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Original Song: 
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Voting Results

Pacing: 4.5
How Funny: 4.4
Overall Rating: 4.4

Total Votes: 8

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   1
 2   0
 3   0
 4   0
 5   7

User Comments

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Dee Range - October 21, 2004 - Report this comment
Magnificent, John. You saved me a lot of work, because I was going to try this next. Super high 5's for many great lines throughout
Johnny D - October 21, 2004 - Report this comment
Mad genius...utterly mad, mad genius...freakin' brilliant, JB!
Kristof Robertson - October 21, 2004 - Report this comment
* Tries to pick up jaw from off the floor*.....555
Stuart McArthur - October 21, 2004 - Report this comment
I see the crescent, you (and Dee) see the whole of the moon - awesome John! - 555
Arwen - October 21, 2004 - Report this comment
This is TOTALLY unbelievable. Honestly. 5s...
John Barry - October 21, 2004 - Report this comment
Thankee, mateys! I really appreciate your comments. Four more equally long parts to attempt. My work's cut out for me. Thanks again!
Rick D - October 21, 2004 - Report this comment
As beautiful as it is disgusting. Hope you make it. we will be performing with Paul
Adagio - October 21, 2004 - Report this comment
Unbelievable! :D
Adagio - October 21, 2004 - Report this comment
Forgot to say, I DKTOS....guess I was just too some music?
Michael Pacholek - October 21, 2004 - Report this comment
Longshoreman Fitzgerald would approve. Right, Johnny?
Johnny D - October 21, 2004 - Report this comment
Right, Michael. You know, as in-jokes go, this one's gone on longer than most.
Vijay - February 14, 2005 - Report this comment
Splendid.The parody fulfills the enigmatic thoughts of S.T.Coleridge
Eric Ratcliff - September 02, 2012 - Report this comment
I am searching for the author of: He prayeth best who loveth best all things both great and small' The streptococcus is the test I love him least of all.

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