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Song Parodies -> "How Do We Find A Job in Saint Lucia?"

Original Song Title:

"How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria?"

Original Performer:

Rodgers & Hammerstein

Parody Song Title:

"How Do We Find A Job in Saint Lucia?"

Parody Written by:

Fiddlegirl and Tommy Turtle

The Lyrics

Fun fact: Actual OS title is just "Maria", but that would confuse it with the song of the same name from "West Side Story" (TT: 'Ave 'Maria' or two! ;), so *almost* everyone here uses the long title -- possibly from Andrew Lloyd Webber's reality TV series, "How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria?" (More likely, for a higher-impact title switch. ;)

More: The original Broadway production debuted in November of 1959; hence, "misc" is the proper decade for the archives here, though the majority are in the 1960s, undoubtedly based on the 1965 movie. (Aren't you glad you read this? ;)

My front yard tree, I cannot see
The drifts are up to "there"
The salted streets remain a mess
"Emergency" declared   [1]

The outlook is abysmal   [2]
‘Nother whirl: We must prepare
But groc'ry shelves are empty, looking shabby

We try with Fate to grapple
But the gen'ral sense: surreal
The interstates are skating rinks
For anything with wheels
Deflating to survey it
Our vexation: can't conceal
We’re freezin’ off our a**es, and we’re crabby!

The weather forecast and the radar graph
Have ceased to make us laugh

How do you find a job in Saint Lucia?
How do you pack your bags and blow this town?
How do you find the perfect panacea?
A luxury villa, in paradise spot renowned
Tropical drinks, with min'ature umbrellas
"Beach Blanket Bingo": glamorous and tanned
Then I might decide to stay
And never come back this way
Spending the days relaxing on the sand
Oh, how do you find a job in Saint Lucia?
Parody writers: Not in great demand

A fine Caribbean cruise
Though the rule has been diffuse   [3]
But it fin'lly ended up a British land   [4]
Nicely tropical, the weather
And we all can chat together
'Cause their English, I can almost understand!

It's the East of Indies, West   [5]
Hang a hammock; take a rest
Hear Cre-ole, an Afro-French and Carib swirl   [6]
The topography is wild   [7]
But the climate, fairly mild   [8]
Lose your headaches! Make a change, y'all!
It's a pearl!

How will we make a living? Grow banana?   [9]
Sick of the roads unplowed, and cabin-bound
Take what we'll find -- it's warmer than Montana!
Best effort, we'll give it; our silly pun-twists, expound

Maybe we'll sing our parodies and sell 'em
Maybe they need a fiddle in their band
But how can I leave OK
On minuscule teacher pay?
"Work" to TT is "laying" on the sand! ;)

Oh, how to support ourselves in Saint Lucia?
Please, won't all AmIRighters lend a hand?

[1] the governor of Oklahoma

[2] As this was written, a second storm has arrived. (Pause while turtle gloats... ;)

[3] Between 1663 and 1814, the rule changed fourteen times: seven times, British, and seven times, French; hence known as the "Helen of the West Indies".

[4] In 1979, Saint Lucia became an independent state of the Commonwealth of Nations, being mostly a self-governing entity, but still recognizing HM Queen Elizabeth II as Head of State.

[5] I. e., one of the easternmost of the West Indies islands. ('Indies"? Wow, was Columbus ever lost!)
(FG: Just like a man not to stop and ask for directions! ;)

[6] The official language is English. but Creole is spoken by 95% of the population. It evolved from French, various African languages, and Carib, and is also heard in New Orleans and other originally-French cities in the state of Louisiana (named after Louis XIV, King of France from 1643–1715), USA.

[7] Saint Lucia is a volcanic island, and hence more mountainous than many other Caribbean islands that are essentially formerly-undersea coral reefs (as are South Florida and its Keys). The highest point is 3,120' (950m) above sea level, versus, say, Little Cayman Island (peak 40' / 12m), or Miami-Dade County, Florida, whose highest natural elevation is about 25' (~8m) -- its actual highest points of ground are the landfills. (smile, but true.)

[8] The tropical climate is moderated by northeast trade winds. Being close to the equator, the temperature varies little between winter and summer. Average daytime temperatures are around 84F (29C), and average nighttime temperatures around 64F (18C).

[9] A significant crop, though offshore banking is a big contributor, as in other Caribbean nations. Tourism is suffering badly due to the recessions in the US, Canada, and Europe.

© 2011 Fiddlegirl and Tommy Turtle. All rights reserved. E-mail:

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Voting Results

Pacing: 4.6
How Funny: 4.6
Overall Rating: 4.6

Total Votes: 10

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   1
 2   0
 3   0
 4   0
 5   9

User Comments

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Old Man Ribber - February 10, 2011 - Report this comment
FG & TT - Contributing 555 to your relocation fund on the condition that you will continue to submit to this sight. As for this's second to Nun! ;D
Patrick - February 10, 2011 - Report this comment
Gazing from my window, can't see the street below, it's buried under fifty feet of snow. Stuck in K.C. can't reach your island. Security code: RUN. Wish I could, but the road is too slick. Forecast is calling for 40°F tomorrow, so things are looking up.
Andria - February 10, 2011 - Report this comment
Very good... I'm looking out my window now, the sun is shining brightly, but it's not too warm out. I had to scrape ice off the car windshield this morning and bundle up when I went out for coffee and doughnuts since my $50 car that was previously abandoned has no heater (won't be a problem when I move to Vegas in 2 or 3 years). I can't tell you how to get a job in St. Lucia, but I can give you fives.
TJC - February 10, 2011 - Report this comment
T-lightful Fiddle-faddlin' nunsense!
Some how though 'temperate' and TT/FG, seems a tad oxymoresong'ic! I'd have guessed you tewe'd be colonizing Mercury!
Loaded with grokable topical, semi-tropical imagery and perfectly formed. And your informative footnotery? Icing on this 'take'!
Andy Primus - February 10, 2011 - Report this comment
Still a bit chilly in the US then? Our snow has all melted now, so our cold snap seems to be over (for the time being).
I'd help out if I could, but I need all my spare cash for my thrice weekly booze an' hooker binges.
Fiddlegirl - February 10, 2011 - Report this comment
@ OMR: Thanks! (Better send the money directly to me-- TT will just spend it recklessly...) :)

@ Patrick: That's a great start to a winter parody! Getting ready for our "heat wave", too-- 'Bout time! :)

@ Andria: Bundling up is a good thing, as long as you don't lose all of your bundles when you move to Vegas. :)

@ TJC: LOL @ "colonizing Mercury"... I, of course, am known for the sweetness of my disposition (which means there must be something a little "off" about TT...) ;)

@ Andy P: Would never wish to deprive you of your weekly therapies-- you'll need them to keep warm! (although it's probably more difficult now that Susie ran off with your booze) ;)
Patrick - February 10, 2011 - Report this comment
Andria, if you can find a way to copy that instrumental track from the rare Carole King LP, I might come up with enough money to buy you another $50 car.
Dan Creeden - February 10, 2011 - Report this comment
Nice Job. Am surprised no one thought of " How do you solve the career of Christina " ( Aguilera) with this tune.
Michael Pacholek - February 10, 2011 - Report this comment
Well, if you really want a job there, it helps to pronounce it "LOO-sha" instead of "Loo-SEE-ya." Guess all that conservative homeschoolin' didn't teach y'all enough geography. I kid, I kid. Hopefully, there's at least a $5.00/hour minimum wage. (Yes, they use the term "dollar," if not our dollar.)
Andria - February 10, 2011 - Report this comment
@Patrick: Even better: I found someone to buy that LP and about 100 of my other records for $1000. @ Michael Pacholek - February 10, 2011 - Report this comment
Sir, please consult me before making unjustified criticisms. I show both pronunciations as being correct:

 St. Lu·cia:   pronunciation /ˈluʃə, -siə/ [loo-shuh, -see-uh] ... So as noted, Loo-see-uh (last one), is perfectly acceptable. One more credibility point docked, Sir.
Tommy Turtle - February 10, 2011 - Report this comment
Old Man Ribber: I don't think we can see this sight from the Caribbean - it's too far from Massachusetts! ;-D
(oh, you meant "site" ... well, so long as they have Internet service... ) Thanks for the contribution; conditions accepted, and LOL at the strong finish!

Patrick: Indeed, good start to a parody there. Looking forward to it! Thanks for "v/KC"! :)

Andria: We'll take them, with thanks! (LOL @ FG!)

TJC: Uh, Sir, as mentioned, it is in the "tropic" zone (about 14 degrees N. lat.), not "temperate". FG, Patrick, etc. live in the temperate zone, though you'd not believe it from the recent weather, eh? ;) But can argue with nun of the rest! (heh!) .. thanks!

@ FG @ TJC: There is a *lot* "off" about TT -- when has he ever denied it? -- but if you continue to fiddle around with him, what does that say about you, Dear? :-D xoxoxo Muah!
          (Seriously, people, the sweet thing has the requisite patience of a "Saint" [Saint! Oh, TT!] to work with the jerk. ;)

Andy Primus: Yes, those things need to come out of your paycheck first, then you can spend the rest foolishly. ;-D Thanks for v/c!

Dan Creeden: Good idea; would have to be tweaked to match stresses to TOS: "How To Evolve The Blotch That Is Christina?" ... this is a *long* OS, not easy, so if you want to do that title, please feel free! TT has a couple of entirely different ideas for it, which may or may not happen. Thanks for v/c!

Michael Pacholek: This writer was a victim of taxpayer-funded, Government-mandated schooling, so if you have any complaints, join the movement for vouchers, or for some other transition method to private, free-market competition in schools. (I hated every day of it; skipped first grade; could have skipped 2nd, 3rd, and 4th.)
          Judging from your mistake per, you must have gone to the same Gov schools, or possibly parochial, from your other comments. In any event, I know a 16-year-old computer whiz who is almost totally home-schooled, who could run rings around most publicly-schooled children. Thanks for dropping by, for the disclaimer, the mistake, and the v/c. Please make allowances for Mr. Pacholek. The school system did not teach him to check facts before speaking or forming opinions, so it's not his fault -- really. Thanks for backing us up.
Accent-uate the positive @ Michael Pacholek - February 10, 2011 - Report this comment
If you are making fun of FG's dialect (with "y'all" and droppin' final "g" from progressive tense -- skip the "progressive" cracks; they're too obvious, and it's a verb tense), please consider whether New Joisey or Nuu Yawk is a model of standard American diction.
Below Average Dave - February 10, 2011 - Report this comment
I won't get into the apparent debate, you put a lot of thought into this as shown by the research (very informative by the way--I didn't realize how mountainous St. Lucia was) The political stuff. . .well that I stay out of. . .I went to a public school system, I have known people who have come out successful from home school and public schooling, I've also known more failures from both. . .I won't judge the method in which someone was educated. . .5s
Tommy Turtle @ Below Average Dave - February 10, 2011 - Report this comment
Below Average Dave: ndeed, judge the *results* of their education, or lack of same. ... This parody was *totally* non-political, and yet Michael chose to throw in a political slam, as well as a slam at regional dialects, despite, as noted, living in a State famous for its own regional dialects. He could have left well enough alone, and just commented on the song itself, but ... no, he couldn't.

Thanks for the v/c and neutrality. Like to see more of that here.
Snooki - February 10, 2011 - Report this comment
Hey, wazza wrong wit' da skools in Noo Joisey? Looka' ME !!!
Patrick - February 11, 2011 - Report this comment
To Andria. If you still have a way to contact the person who bought your LP collection, the same offer applies. I've been looking for that thing for 30 years.
Tommy Turtle @ Patrick - February 11, 2011 - Report this comment
Hate to intrude on a semi-private conversation (on my song page, LOL), but which Carole King soundtrack are we talking about? - Just curious.
Patrick - February 14, 2011 - Report this comment
Tommy. Many years ago I believe I saw a rare version of Carole King's otherwise ubiquitous "Tapestry" LP. It contained an instrumental track "A New Hat". Some fellow told me there were only 500 copies pressed. A local record shop owner once said it was "rare as hell". I wrote to Carole King's manager who told me no such record exists. I've had other people tell me they once owned a cassette or 8 track of "Tapestry" with an instrumental track. Andria says she once had this LP but sold it. The only article on the internet I have seen is a speculative article that I wrote many years ago for a antique collector's website. This record does not appear in any standard price guide. I would figure that there would be some other info if it really did exist. Perhaps I am confusing what I once heard with a tune called "Gathering Crowds" (the closing theme to This Week in Baseball). But I'm not sure. In any event, this is the last great quest in record collecting. The internet quickly filled out my want list once I gained access to it (including "Gathering Crowds" and the rare and elusive "Decision '76"). With all the folks around here being into music, maybe someday it will turn up. I would pay some outrageous sum of money, say $100 for a confirmed copy of this track. I've been looking now for 30 years, and actuary-wise, I don't have 30 more to spend on the quest.
Tommy Turtle - February 14, 2011 - Report this comment
Patrick: Thanks for the info. DK that track. Good luck.

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