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Song Parodies -> "Law & Order: Special Victims Unit (SVU)"

Original Song Title:


Parody Song Title:

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit (SVU)"

Parody Written by:

Tommy Turtle

The Lyrics

For non-US readers: TV series about an elite squad of New York City Police Detectives, called the Special Victims Unit, that handles only sexually-related offenses: rapists, child molesters, sexual slavery and trafficking, including a fair number of murders committed in the course of the foregoing. ... In general, the worst scum on the planet.

Hey, so many others are doing TV shows; guess one had beTTer keep up with the crowd. .. .Not a total fan; too many technical errors. Same with watching lawyer shows, medical shows, ... most TV shows, actually. Ignorance is bliss, in TV-Land.

Done to this OS video, whose finale peaks quite grandly at 3:05, applause and all, which makes the subsequent reprise a bit superfluous, so not done.

ELLIOT: (Detective Stabler)
We couldn't pick a better job: New York, crime's rife

FIN: (Detective Tutola)
They may get surly, but they meet their fate

OLIVIA: (Detective Benson)
Takin' some fake charmer; put away for life

MUNCH: (Detective Sgt. John Munch, always called "Munch")
Soon be livin': prison way upstate

Send upstate! [1]
Stamp out license plate
Got some roommates, burly; serial, uh, "daters"
Feed from trough like cattle
Lots of m*str*b*t*rs
Powerful or fairy; you're new friend in tomb
Always be there, and sharin' a room!
What a shame can't swing from rope! [2]
Give 'em LWOP 'n not any of hope [3]

Laaaw and Order: SVU, Olivia and El
'Long with Munch and Fin
They're bustin' in
Sendin' rapists, pedophiles to Hell [1]
Laaaw and Order: Ev'ry night, detectives on the sly
Hide in nooks and gawk, and watch like hawk
'Til their prey's pre-dating on young guy!

We know they're the best in New York
Promptly pop pervert perp pulling pork!
And when they say,
'You! .... the right to, silent, stay; [4]
"Attorney, payin' --
"-- Can't? We will find you a dumb dork"
Law & Order, New York!

Laaaaw & Order: Dr. Huang goes creepin' in your brain [5]
While forensic geek in puter, peek [6]
Casey Novak notches one again! [7]
M'liiiiinda Warner: Ev'ry day, a diff'rent stiff, dissect -- (DOA) [8]
Grab their DNA, or semen spray
Victim: crazy jerk, will they connect!

Don Cragen will strongly command [9]
Though he knows: won't be long: all sh*t-canned!
(screw up, El) (screw up, Liv) (screw up, Munch) (screw up, Fin) (screw-ups, all;) (screw-up bunch!)
But when he says,
"You!!!!! You better watch your 'A' "
He's really sayin,
"You're doin' fine, unique unit"
"Special Victims": O.K!


You thought your attack was well-planned?
Victim: land, from your schlong, pubic strand!

So when they say,
"Yo! Best cop a plea today!"
We all are sayin'
"Way to fight crime, Special Victims
"Law and Order, Hurray!"
'L. - A. - can - kiss - their - A [10]
"Munch, Fin, El, .... Liv

[1] "upstate" - Attica Correctional Facility, north and well to the west of New York City, near the State's western borders, home to some of the worst offenders. Surely a hellish life, per next use of same footnote.

[2] The State of New York's highest Court declared the State's death penalty unconstitutional in 2004. There have been several legislative attempts to re-enact it, none successful to date.

The question continues to be debated within each of the States; at last count, about 38 of the 50 states permitted capital punishment, though it is rarely used, and often only after long delays, appeals, rehearings, etc. Lethal injection has become the most commonly prescribed method.

Not-so-fun fact: The suicide rate on Death Row (inmates awaiting execution) is ten times the national average. (1) Why is that surprising? (2) Aren't they saving us money and cruelty? (3) Why did they waste our tax dollars on that study?

[3] "LWOP" (pronounced "El-wop") - Life (in prison) WithOut (possibility of) Parole, common slang for a common alternative to capital punishment, both for states with and without the death penalty.

[4] Miranda v. Arizona, 1966 US Supreme Court decision that led to all criminal suspects being read the "Miranda warning" before being questioned. (Aren't you glad you know that? Don't you wish everybody did? -- takeoff on old commercial for Dial™ soap.)

[5] An FBI forensic psychiatrist and criminal profiler who is often consulted by the squad.

[6] The computer techs are always searching the suspect's computer for evidence (videos of themselves assaulting women, kid-pawrn, etc.), and saying things like, "I found an encrypted partition on his hard drive!" -- whereupon he proceeds to show the incriminating evidence.

Sorry, but if it was encrypted, how did you *decrypt* it? Unlike British courts, US courts have held that the Fifth Amendment right against self-incrimination prevents suspects from being required to divulge their encryption keys (what most would call a "password"). Encryption that is totally unbreakable without that key, by the FBI, NSA, or anyone else, is available to *anyone*, at no charge, at, say,

In real life, the FBI usually uses a much simpler method: Get a warrant (sometimes, we hope), break into the suspect's home or office while they're not there, and implant a bug in the computer that transmits to them all keystrokes -- not just the encryption key, but all words typed in to be encrypted (and all others, of course), which eliminates the need to decrypt. .. One of those "technical glitches" that make it hard for TT to enjoy TV series about various professions..

[7] One of the Assistant District Attorneys (prosecutors) of the several who have moved through the show at various times. A gorgeous woman -- aren't all prosecutors? But those *glasses* make the blond look sooo *intelligent*!

[8] The Medical Examiner, or Coroner, for much of the series

[9] Donald Cragen, the stern-but-fatherly Captain to this gang. Why aren't there any Lieutenants in between? And why, in some cop shows, do Lieutenants do all the actual police work, instead of bringing their Captains coffee, as their job description specifies?

[10] (one of those footnotes that's totally unnecessary, except for the one reader who might need it)
Reference to the large number of police shows based in Los Angeles, from the old radio show, "Dragnet", on ad infinitum.

A super shout-out to TJC for an e-mail comment that inspired this parody, though he probably thought that he was being facetious at the time. Imagine his surprise when a full draft appeared in his inbox! .. and for several rounds of feedback and suggestions through to the final draft.

© 2010 Tommy Turtle. All rights reserved. E-mail:

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Voting Results

Pacing: 4.9
How Funny: 4.7
Overall Rating: 4.6

Total Votes: 7

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Old Man Ribber - September 01, 2010 - Report this comment
TT - Rodgered and Hammeredhome! This parody is Tony-worthy, if Tony weren't already in the slammer for gross sexual imposition. Keeping with the theme, how about a natural choice for the regular Law And Order...Poor Judd Is Dead? ;D
TJC - September 01, 2010 - Report this comment
A consenting adult Fantastickle parody, TT! Apparently in Oklahoma the porn grows as high as an elephant's eye then gets rush shipped directly to NYC! And thanks for the nod, but my three word suggestion was merely the grain of sand to your oyster's flawless pearl! Every line great but particularly enjoyed your creative chanting transitions.. as OMR says, Tony worthy--who knew a turtle could so successfully 'stage a crime'?
Patrick - September 01, 2010 - Report this comment
Not a regular viewer. I remember when cop shows started with a shoot-out, followed by a car chase. Now they begin with some homeless guy finding a decomposing body, followed by an autopsy. More realistic, yes, but not as exciting as the shows I remember. Had a reference to Miranda and the death penalty in one of my songs last week.
Hugh Jackman - September 01, 2010 - Report this comment
Hey, Turtleman! I played the lead in the revival--you aren't perchance floating any SV-double-Ewe entendres regarding my last name--are ewe??
McKludge - September 01, 2010 - Report this comment
Fiddlegirl - September 01, 2010 - Report this comment
I love the idea, and the OS pairing... Fave line- "Promptly pop pervert perp pulling pork" :) 555
Tommy Turtle - September 01, 2010 - Report this comment
Old Man Ribber: Don't watch the "regular", but yeah, that would work -- and I theenk they say "Daid" out there in FG-land. (Paging FG -- correct?) Thanks for v/c/n (nomination).

TJC: Other than the fact that the metaphor refers to Kansas, not Oklahoma, and from "South Pacific", not "Oklahoma!", that was a very clever remark! :-D .... thanks for the kind v/c, and that you found this tone toney. :)

Patrick: Yes, I saw that, as mentioned in my comment there, which you've now seen, in which I said that I had a Miranda ref coming in this parody for today. GMTA (great minds think alike). Sorry you don't get your fill of shoot-outs and car chases; judging from what Matthias said yesterday (about Hollywood) and what TT said in the parody plugged in his comment there, there certainly is no shortage. Thanks for v/c.

Hugh Jackman: Yes, I saw that in the video, and no, no double-entendres; in fact, I don't even get the comment about why there might be one. (SV-double-Ewe? Jackman? Nothing wrong with that, if you do it in private and not on the ice cream truck.) But hey, thanks for stopping by!

McKludge: It actually took a second time through to get that -- thought you were Gong-showing the song. (Turtles are slow -- what can I say?) Good one, though. Thanks for v/c.

Fiddlegirl: Meknows thy soft spot is alliteration (well, meknows a "lot" of thy soft spots, but we won't talk about that in public...). Thanks for picking out the author's fave line; I FiGured that if anyone did, 'twood be thee. Muah!
AFW - September 01, 2010 - Report this comment
Top job on this, TT...epic'lly (not a word, but I made it one) done
THC - September 01, 2010 - Report this comment
"My Bali High is calling--" so... "Some pedanted peeving" "I'm gonna wash that pan right outta my hair!"
Tommy Turtle - September 01, 2010 - Report this comment
AFW: Making up new words (fancy name: "neologisms") is one of the privileges of parodists -- have at it! ("Epic'lly" is a good one!) You'll see a bundle of them in some upcoming posts from moi, mostly next week. Thanks for v/c.

THC: Aw, just kiddin' Bro -- I never look a gift Five in the mouth! Besides, if the reply were *too* kind, given the outro and all, "People Will Say We're In Love". ;-)
Mark Scotti - September 02, 2010 - Report this comment
"Guilty" of likeing it, and accepting the sentence of 555 laughs,,,
Tommy Turtle - September 02, 2010 - Report this comment
Mark Scotti: Shrewd plea-bargain there! (thanks!)

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