Oak Knoll Stroll
(Old King Cole)

An oak knoll
is over what we stroll.
The stuff’s scary—like the ivy
you see when you hike
on the coast that gets cold.
They both make you itch like crazy.

You’ll be bitchin’
as you start to itchin’;
you’ll beg for an anodyne IV.
So when you walk there,
you’d best beware
and stroll oak knolls very cautiously.


Tootsie-Footsie Gander
(Goosey Goosey Gander)

Tootsie-Footsie gander—
when out you wander.
Down there you stare
so over you’ll clamber
rocks and gopher holes; tramp
with care, or bad you’ll fare,
and you will curse worse than “Damn!”
scaring bears in their lair.


&#*! &#*! Crack’s Deep
(Baa Baa Black Sheep)

&#*! &#*! crack’s deep—
with my foot it’s full.
Cleft there, cleft-snare. . .
out can’t pull.

Worse than a fracture;
cursèd is the pain.
I’ll be like the Bris-snipped boy*
who put mohels to shame.
Chop, lop, hack deep—
out the stump I pull.
Left there, left there:
one shoe, full.

*Aron Ralston, as portrayed by James Franco in “127 Hours.”


Rain Drizzles, Drizzles
(Hey Diddle Diddle)

Rain drizzles, drizzles;
the ramble thus fizzles—
no cows to pass as they moo.
Naught to do but quaff,
at least a quart
and get blitzed, then head off to the loo.


Bother John
(Brother John)

“Why’re you beeping? Why’re you beeping,
bother John, bother John?”

“That’s my cellphone ringing.”

“It’s not swell, than ringing!
Turn it off, then move on.”

“Faire le bruit; fait, qui, le bruit?
Est ce vous, êtes vous fou?!”

“Son est téléphonique.”

“Son n’est pas euphonique!
Allez vous, Jean, faire fout’!”


Scored Me, Gored Me!
(Georgie Porgie)

Scored me, gored me,
poked in the eyes.
Risky, poles, with tips held high.
Make a tourniquet to stay
leaks that aren’t making my day.


Stumps See? None See!
(Humpty Dumpty)

Stumps see? None see!
Errant eyeballs.
None see, bump knee—
therein you fall.

All poison oaky,
too bad, is the glen
where you and bumped knee
roll, end over end.