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Song Parodies -> "Gory, Gory: Haul In Moolah (Battle Hymn Of The Movies)"

Original Song Title:

"Battle Hymn Of The Republic"

Original Performer:

Julia Ward Howe

Parody Song Title:

"Gory, Gory: Haul In Moolah (Battle Hymn Of The Movies)"

Parody Written by:

Tommy Turtle

The Lyrics

All six verses of the OS lyrics are here. Midi is here.
Mine eyes have seen the movies that our present times afford
Forgive me, folks, for being blunt: I'm ter-min-al-ly bored
Five hundred people murdered, and five hundred more get gored
Car chase goes crashing on!

Gory, gory: haul in moolah!
Do not let the trailer fool ya:
Not artistic, doesn't school ya
Explosions flashing on!

We can't rely on ratings from the Movie Ratings Board
Sick stabbings get a "PG", although loving scenes are "R'd" [1]
Clear moral: Kids, assault someone, but love them not, good Lord!
Gas trucks go smashing on!

Vi'lence, un-end-ing, will cool ya
Empathy? They'll overrule ya
Ev'ry time: another duel, ya --
See gunmen clashing on!

The euphemism's "Action" for fist fights with feeble plot
"Cut to the chase" each time whenever writer's in tight spot
While droning dopey dialogue, both crooks and cops get shot
My teeth go gnashing on!

Writer: You're a ghastly ghoul, ya!
Pallid plots: mass murders fuel ya
Generate gross gruesome gruel, ya --
Can't write; blood splashing on!

Instead of "sex and vi-o-lence", just "sex" is fine with me
I'd rather see four lips get locked than smashed repeatedly [2]
Or cut up with a chainsaw, as in "Texas", with a "T" [3]
The knives go slashing on!

Gory, gory, they're so cruel, yuk!
Watch the psychopathics drool, yuk!
Digging deeply the Dead Pool, yuk! [4]
Bad boys go bashing on!

Instead of Hanni-bal across the Alps, there's Hannibal --
Calls doll a "tasty dish": not compli-ment, but cannibal
Makes Jodie Foster wish could make a "steer" of man, no "bull" [5]
Lec-ter goes thrashing on!

Film, spool after bloody spool, yuk!
Even got blood in the stool, yuk!
Cine: terrifying tool, yuk!
Box office: cashing on!

There's Halloween and Freddy, with his nightmare on Elm Street [6][7]
John Rambo: massive body count; cum corpses, quite replete [8]
I don't "sit on the edge...": no, I completely "leave" my seat!
Old plots, rehashing on!

'Stead of "Casablanca" (jewel!), crap! [9]
'Stead of birthing brilliance, you'll crap!
Shove your movies up your "mule": crap! [10]
Your trash, I'm trashing on!!!

[1] US movie ratings: PG = "parental guidance suggested", although children are allowed in unaccompanied and without restriction; R = "restricted"; children under 17 not admitted without parent or adult guardian.
[2] "Lip-lock": a prolonged kiss, slang derived from wrestling holds such as "armlock" and "wristlock".
[3] "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre", 1974 and 2003.
[4] " The Dead Pool", 1988
[5] "The Silence Of The Lambs", 1991 and 2001 sequel; i.e., castrate Hannibal Lecter, as one makes a "steer" of a "bull".
[6] "Halloween", 1978, with endless sequels to the present day.
[7] "A Nightmare On Elm Street", 1984, also with endless sequels to the present day; killer's name was Freddy.
[8] "First Blood", aka "Rambo: First Blood", 1982, also with endless sequels to the present day; "Rambo IV" is in production as this parody is being written.
[9] "Casablanca", 1942, Humphrey Bogart, Ingrid Bergman, Claude Rains; IMHO, a jewel of a movie.
[10] "mule", i.e., "ass"

No joke, folks. © 2006 Tommy Turtle.

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Original Song: 
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Voting Results

Pacing: 4.4
How Funny: 4.3
Overall Rating: 4.4

Total Votes: 19

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   1
 2   2
 3   0
 4   1
 5   15

User Comments

Comments are subject to review, and can be removed by the administration of the site at any time and for any reason.

AFW - April 04, 2006 - Report this comment
Pretty amazing spectacular, here...An epic movie review...all three thumbs and fingers up..
alvin rhodes - April 04, 2006 - Report this comment
someday people may realize that violence is the true pornography. great job
Phil Alexander - April 04, 2006 - Report this comment
Excellent, both in concept and execution - favourite line: "I don't "sit on the edge...": no, I completely "leave" my seat!"
Adagio - April 04, 2006 - Report this comment
Very good pacing...loved it. I normally don't vote on parodies that take the Lord's name in vain, but I did like this one a lot.
Tommy Turtle - April 04, 2006 - Report this comment
AFW, alvin, Phil Alexander, thanks...
Adagio, thanks. The expression ("good Lord"), was intended as the speaker's prayer for strength and understanding to cope with the idiocies described, and not as vain or disrespectful. Sorry if it came across that way.
Shiek Of The Mutilated - April 04, 2006 - Report this comment
Good song, although most of the violent films are PG-13 (Parents Strongly Cautioned. Some material may be inappropriate for children under 13.) instead of PG.
Stuart McArthur - April 04, 2006 - Report this comment
Amazing stuff TT - fantastic idea and OS to use, and literally TMGLTM, although I did admire "Empathy? They'll overrule ya" - LOL - 555
John Barry - April 04, 2006 - Report this comment
Some of the films mentioned are almost as violent at the OS. Great job, TT. 15 thumbs up for your capsule reviews.
Adagio - April 04, 2006 - Report this comment
Sorry then, TT, it was really very enjoyable.
Rick C - April 04, 2006 - Report this comment
Nicely done, Mr. Turtle and, I echo the sentiment. 555
TT - April 04, 2006 - Report this comment
Sheik, Stuart, John B., Rick C., thanks.
Adagio, thanks :)
BTW Stuart, flaTTer all ya like, yer TTribuTTe tomorrow is still gonna kick buTT! :)
Red Ant - April 05, 2006 - Report this comment
Ditto Stu's comment, but my favorite line was "...I completely "leave" my seat!" LOL! I don't say this often, but this should have many more votes than it does. I rate this parody PFG-15 (you're smart, you can figure that out!).
TT - April 06, 2006 - Report this comment
Red Ant, thanks... Good acronym; maybe the Movie Board should add that one to their list?? :)
2Eagle - August 18, 2007 - Report this comment
Very inspired. An article in the old Saturday Evening Post - Movies are too Dirty - stated that that if it has anything to do with the Bible it gets a "g" instead of "adults only" no matter what the content is.
TT - August 18, 2007 - Report this comment
2Eagle, very true... many made that comment about Mel Gibson's horribly violent Bible pic, which would probably have been R otherwise. Too gory for kids (or anyone). Thanks for v/c.
Matthias - September 01, 2010 - Report this comment
Had to read your parody after you told me to. My favorite line was: "no, I completely "leave" my seat!". I agree a lot with your view points here, like how violence is so underrated now-a-days that a film with stabbing gets a PG rating while a love scene gets an R. Not too much else I can add other than I'm completely impressed with this. Probably my favorite of your long list of parodies.
Tommy Turtle - September 01, 2010 - Report this comment
Matthias: I didn't mean to say you *had* to, just saying that we're of similar mind on the topic and that here was my take, if you were interested. But thanks for following the plug, and for the kind words and vote.
Patrick - August 29, 2011 - Report this comment
I don't mind violence in movies, if there is some historical or social justification. But I do draw the line at chain saws and human sacrifice. "The Passion of the Christ" did little, in my opinion, to further the aims of Christianity. I was not about to attend "Apocalypto".
Tommy Turtle - August 29, 2011 - Report this comment
Patrick: Thanks for read and comment. I agree about depicting actual historical events, but to what degree of explicitness? We can "get the picture" without seeing the medical (gory) details, floggings, etc.

Agree about Gibson's movie. I've always said that if it were not a Bible story, it would have been rated at least R for brutal and repeated violence. I'd not have taken my children to see it. (I didn't see it myself.)

Also agree that it was mis-focused. The focus of Scripture was not so much the detail of His suffering, but of the Resurrection and the salvation afforded thereby. Gibson seems to get tortured in a lot of his flics; I think his own abusive childhood at the hands of an alcoholic father played a part. Sad, because he can be a very good actor.

p. s.: IMHO, whatever good he might have done for Christianity was more than undone by his drunken rant against the Jews during that traffic stop. TT addressed that,, though you've already v/c'd, thank you. For anyone who hasn't, it's
Brock O'Brahma - August 12, 2012 - Report this comment
Came to this through the link and glad I did. Everything in this parody rings true, and now the violence is spilling over into the theatre itself :(
Tommy Turtle - August 13, 2012 - Report this comment
Brock O'Brahma: Sad obvservation -- and trenchant? Wonder why no one's mentioned that -- wasn't the film itself quite violent? Thanks for following the link and for the why-didn't-I-think-of-that comment.

(probably no connection to this particular film, as the shooter had clearly lost it long before, but we do glorify acts of violence, don't we?)
Peregrin - September 09, 2012 - Report this comment
Agreed. Regarding your note [1]: George Carlin says in his "The Seven Words You Can Never Say On TV":

"People much wiser than I am said, "I'd rather have my son watch a film with 2 people making love than 2 people trying to kill one another."
Tommy Turtle - September 09, 2012 - Report this comment
Peregrin: Ironically, that list has shrunk, at lest in the US, to maybe two or three... but have always agreed completely with Carlin's (quoted) sentiment, as said in the fourth verse. Thanks for read and comment.

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