The egg nog and the fruitcake
Are in my face each day
Of all the treats of Christmas
I'd like to throw away.
Oy! The rising of the bread
And the setting of the sun
The latkes in the frying pan
The Jews have all the fun.

Those Job's Daughters' specials
Are hard as airplane glue
Wreck my dentures every year
And keep me in the loo.
The challah's much nicer
Like manna in the dew
All covered with the poppy seeds
It's such fun to be a Jew.

The fruitcake is to fattening
And tastes like medicine
Plum pudding is simply schmutz
And mince pie is just obscene.
Oy! The Manishewitz wine
And the jelly donuts, too
The chocolates and the halavah
It's such fun to be a Jew.

The TV's full of schmaltz
Same specials from long ago
And the Goyim are out caroling
While shoppers spend their dough.
Oy! The spinning of the dreidel
And the gleaming of the coin
The lighting of the menorah
Keeping kosher is such fun.

The people who give fruitcake
Deserve a penalty
Community service baking bread
Challah with glasses tea.
Fruitcake would be outlawed
If the doctors had their way
And if Jesus was on earth today
"Givalt!" is what he'd say..