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Song Parodies -> "Iran's The Very Model Of 'Salaam' Islamic Tolerance"

Original Song Title:

"I Am The Very Model Of A Modern Major General"

Original Performer:

Gilbert & Sullivan

Parody Song Title:

"Iran's The Very Model Of 'Salaam' Islamic Tolerance"

Parody Written by:

Tommy Turtle

The Lyrics

The official title of the meeting was "The United Nations' World Conference Against Racism, Racial Discrimination, Xenophobia and Related Intolerance"... John A. Barry and this author felt that Iranian President Ahmadinejad's speech more tended to promote the opposite. Several readers pointed out the error of that belief in these comments. Never too proud to admit a mistake, TT offers his humble apology to the ideals represented by Pres. M. A. and his country, ideals to which all should aspire.

"Salaam" = greeting meaning "peace". Salaam to all those whose songs I missed last week and this week. Work's been I-slam-ic ("I've been slammed", haha), and it was barely possible to squeeze out a song or two, and then get back (very late at night) to thank those who v/c. Sorry to have missed your songs.

Iran's the very model of salaam Islamic tolerance
Just understand that we demand complete submissive foller-ance
Our rules are still, by Allah's will, made by our clerics' collar-ance
United States stands at Hell's gates of capit-al-ist dollar-ance

Our women dress, not to excess, quite unrevealing, modestly
Irani guy distracted by no lady's shameless bodice-ly
No Penthouse Pet shall ever whet their appetites so goddess-ly

[pause, then continue, speaking]
Penthouse Pet? Got it!

[resume singing]
Irani's rod, by law of God, shot not its lot so wad-essly

You're free to choose, all: Christians, Jews, to worship as it pleases well
It's up to thee: Eternity, to spend where all one sees is Hell
To stay down there, for all we care, perhaps until it freezes (Hell)

There's one small clause among our laws: A man must grow his beard so long
And as for gays: must change their ways; it's something that we've feared for long
You must obey or find one day, the Sword of Justice sheared your schlong
Iran is free for "he and she", but "he and he"? No queer'd belong!

In short, in matters liberal, we glibberally fib-beral
Iran's the state of violent hate, from which, unending dribb-er-al

We don't like drama of Obama any more than Dob-e-ya
No stripper's pole shall mar our soul nor tempt to watch disrobe-a-ya
We're morally upright, uptight; no lust incite, and so be ya
Iran's the very model of hard penile xenophobia

No "shock-jock" schlock; we Stern-ly block who mocks our mediocrities [1]
Like ancient Greeks: dissenter speaks; gets hemlock crock like Socrates [2]
We hex and vex ex-wedding sex; a girl protects and lock-a-knees

[pause, then continue, speaking]
Pure? Innocent? Got it!

[resume singing]
All garbed "no-show" from head to toe, our ladies do not c*ck-a-tease

We never tire, we aspire: elevated shoes, to fill
Of Iran's hero, new "Ground Zero"-miss-ill-fated, Kim Jong-il [3]
By grace of God, Ahm'dinejad is higher-rated, kill-for-kill

Obsessed: the chest, the West: posssessed of breast-impressed hypocrisy
Our gowns conceal what's real; we "feel" no sil(ly)-i-con-ocracy
To sip real nip is "iceberg's" tip: advantage of autocracy
No pervs in Persia, just the clergy'a- -theme park of theocracy

In short, in matters moral-ish, we're bore-alish and quarrel-ish
Not whor-alish; your porn, we scorn, both oral-ish and sore-all-tish!

So scared to think of world on brink, in hands of such delusionals
These quite contrary, dromedary's blood-and-mud transfusionals:
A cardiac arrest, at best; a coronar-o-cclusional [4]
For their confusion, my "solusion": profusion of contusion-als

To sign a treaty: no big feat; re- -nege and make a mockery [5 ...]
He falsifies and spills his lies; supplies surmise of crockery
Disburse, he: crimes; such nurs'ry rhymes of hick'ry, dick'ry, dockery

[pause, then continue, speaking]
Hick'ry, dick'ry, dockery? Tough rhyme to follow, no? ... Got it!

[resume singing, at original tempo]
Such sad conclusion: their illusion: fusion-ary schlockery

At neutrons, protons, deutrons: pro cons tell of tales fantastical
Methinks, forsooth, their view of "truth": uncouth, "Is-real" elastical [6]
For fission, fishin'; wishin', vision: Jews, abuse quite drastical

It's quite unpleasant viewing peasant boys with toys atomical
"Hail Mary" scary: Moe and Larry; Curly: surely comical?
A wasteland vast, a race half-assed, but oil: economical
Iran: From span where man began, sh*t-canned by plan Islamical!

In short, in matters nuclear, these kooks are spooks quite puke-lear
Enrichment of uranium: On cranium, rebuke to clear! [... 5] [7]

[A Western reporter raises hand to President soloist, and asks]
Can you repeat that, with neither the sing-song accent nor the rant?

[President Ahmadinejad looks at the reporter, and says:]
مدفوع انسان وحيوان. (¡Mierda!) Western agitator, silly gay! [8]

[repeat 3rd verse, ("The sane world...")
at a speed even faster than the original tempo,
and without the pause or spoken part.]

[1] Howard Stern, the "shock-jock" radio disc jockey, known for going boldly where no decent person had ever gone before. (Assuming that throwing bologna at a nude stripper is in fact worthwhile entertainment, wouldn't it lose something by being on *radio*?)

[2] Socrates (c. 469-399 B.C.) was a social and moral critic of the government of Athens, for which he was condemned to death by drinking a cup (or "crock") of the poison, hemlock.

[3] Sort of a cross between "missile" and "ill-fated". Humble apologies.

[4] i. e., "heart attack"

[5] Repeated violations of the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty under cover of "developing nuclear power plants" -- in the country with the world's second-largest reserves of both oil and natural gas -- yeah, right.

[6] No footnote needed here. You got the reference.

[7]] "Knock some sense into their heads."

[8] مدفوع انسان وحيوان. = Persian for "dung", I think.

A special salaam to TJC for the inspiration and for feedback, comments, and suggestions on the early drafts. Salaam to Susan for pointing out the correct full name of the conference (in Geneva).

© 2009 Tommy Turtle. All rights reserved. E-mail:

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Original Song: 
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Voting Results

Pacing: 4.7
How Funny: 4.7
Overall Rating: 4.7

Total Votes: 15

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   1
 2   0
 3   0
 4   0
 5   14

User Comments

Comments are subject to review, and can be removed by the administration of the site at any time and for any reason.

Patrick - April 29, 2009 - Report this comment
I finally got to see "Pirates of Penzance" last weekend. Makes me appreciate the challenge of this song even more. Why didn't we grab this kook when he set foot on US soil for the UN conference? It's a shame that the energy source of the civilized world remains in the hands of such primitives.
John Barry - April 29, 2009 - Report this comment
A Tur de force! And thanks for the mentions.
alvin - April 29, 2009 - Report this comment
my fave of the day....amazing internal rhyming as this tune requires
Leo Keough - April 29, 2009 - Report this comment
I came, I saw, I-ran...Great job on this - 555!!!
Red Ant - April 29, 2009 - Report this comment
This was awesome, TT. I'd love to hear this recorded.. I'm thinking the only person on the site who could pull off this 'operappic' ode is Luke Brattoni. Seriously excellent wordplay. 555+

Paging Phil Alexander...
Phil Alexander - April 29, 2009 - Report this comment
Oh, very good, Jack...

...but what can I say, TT - utterly brilliant. You've really gone out of the carapace for this one. Hmm: security code: VGT - very good, Turtle :-)
TJC - April 29, 2009 - Report this comment
Bravo, sir! I echo (...-cho, -cho, -cho... -ives, -ives, -ives...) all the previous commenters... 'Twas Truly incredible, TT!
Internal rhymes
Are very fine
And that's no blind man' foller'ance!
It seems to me
Savant TT
Exudes a Mahler's scholar'ance!
Mark Scotti - April 29, 2009 - Report this comment
An epic masterpiece!!!
Stuart McArthur - April 29, 2009 - Report this comment
Kerrrrr-rist! That has Tommy Turtle stamped all over it and might be your crowning achievement so far TT - love the whole self-conscious play with the audience thing, and the puns were diabolical (as all puns should be) but the skill that shone most was the internal rhymes. "Obsessed: the chest, the West: posssessed of breast-impressed hypocrisy" is a classic, but here it was just one of many - 555
Stuart McArthur - April 29, 2009 - Report this comment
whoa - I just noticed the superfluous "s" in posssessed - but I prefer to consider it the mole above Angelina's right eyebrow
Andy Primus - April 29, 2009 - Report this comment
Blimey! Impressive parody
President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad - April 29, 2009 - Report this comment
هر نوع لا ك پشت ابي ، كبوتر قمري ، لا ك پشت ، لا ك پشت شكار كر سرود، نغمه ، اواز، سرودروحاني ، تصنيف ، ترانه ، شعر.عالي ، ممتاز، بسيارخوب ، شگرف.

(translation:) For Western imperialist Satan, you do not rhyme so bad. Wise almost like our Prophets. Perhaps you work for us, eh? We pay you in oil!
Tommy Turtle - April 29, 2009 - Report this comment
Patrick: Many thanks for the kind words and votes. Not to look a gift horse in the mouth, but while the suggestion was good, note the outro comment: Despite common misconception, conference was not held at UN HQ in NY, but in Geneva.... (picky, picky) ... thanks for v/c, Patrick.

John Barry: Thank *you*, especially for starting the whole Ahmadinethread with the parody linked at the top.... and your wisdom and feedback were sorely missed at the tribute to your parody (the link after yours), as well as at the bilogy (last link). Thanks for v/c, John.

alvin: thanks (spanks crank, wanks manx) - ranks high, your v/c, no skanks.

Red Ant: I'd love to hear someone who *could* record phrases like "shock-jock schlock", etc. without stumbling! ... Give Luke a ring... or anyone else, pm me or email me through the captcha link at the bottom.

Thanks for coming out of the ant-hill to v/c. (and props for bug[-ger-]ing Phil A.!)

No wack is Jack, nor back some flack or hack, but one with rack of knack --
--to sing this song. I go along; for stack of CDs, TT's plaque!

Phil Alexander, thanks... and sorry about your broken arm. :) :) ;) Red Ant will pay for the cast, I'm sure!

TJC: Fine follow-on! .. at first, I read that as "Maher's" (we see what we expect to see), but that would have been cool, too.

So, are we talking of Gustav Mahler, the composer, or his trophy wife, Alma Mahler (from whence we get the Anglicized expression, "my Alma Mater"), who later married architect Walter Gropius (not gonna touch that name with a ten-meter German, much less a ten-foot Pole)? Either way, danke sehr, mein freund!

Mark Scotti, thanks!!!

Stuart McArthur: Multiply-honored, not just at having lured Stu from the secret lair where he gets his Jolies, but at having prompted his use of *upper case*! To go to such effort for my trifling song...

Thanks for the vote and super-fluid comments! Now, please feel free to return to the Mole-hole mwahahahaha! (thanks Stu!)

Andy Primus: I bloody-well thank you!

Mr. President: Thank you for your kind offer, but, uh, let's just say I'm not in mah-mood. Salaam anyway!
TT - April 29, 2009 - Report this comment
Leo Keough: A thousand pardons, Sahib, for the feeble-brained reptile missing your comment in the reply. ... So, "Vini, Vidi, Vici" is now "Vini, Vidi, Cursi"? Very suitable: a cursi on this Persi! Thanks for v/c, Leo!
John Jenkins - April 30, 2009 - Report this comment
TT, I've got to thank you for submitting this to AmiRight and not to your agent. This appears to have all of the ingredients of a commercial success. Outstanding and creative rhyming and humor all the way through, but the hypocrisy/theocracy verse was my fave.
Tommy Turtle - May 01, 2009 - Report this comment
John Jenkins: Thank you for your kind comments. Unfortunately, the guidelines for radio production made this not even worth considering: Too long (gotta get those commercials in, you know!), too far over the heads of the average listener, puns stretched too far for same and not grok-able while driving, shaving, Twittering, and eating (all at the same time). More in the line of Capitol Steps, but they're very firm about not even looking at outside submissions. If you know of another venue... perhaps Red Ant will find a singer/producer.

Still, the ultimate compliment. Thanks for taking the time to read, vote, and thoughtfully comment, John.
Jake A Ralphing (Luke Brattoni) - August 20, 2009 - Report this comment
Epic internal rhyming throughout, I'll happily record this in a week or so once my comedy show is over.
Jake A Ralphing (Luke Brattoni) - August 20, 2009 - Report this comment
Can't wait. In what medium will it be recorded, and where displayed -- or do you sell them? 50/50 split, of course, less actual studio expenses, commissions, etc. ... Some day, when they're obsolete enough, I hope to be able to post the mp3s of the parodies that I've sold to radio. Where or on what medium is your show? Live, or can I catch it? Thanks -- TT
Oops: confused sender and recipient - August 21, 2009 - Report this comment
The dangers of "copy/paste in the wrong place" - d'oh, me! Headline was supposed to be moi, and yer moniker in the salutation at the start of the comment -- guess I burned out my last few neurons on this week's parodies lol.
Fiddlegirl - September 17, 2009 - Report this comment
Absolutely masterful writing, with TMGLTM... My parody hero!
Tommy Turtle - September 17, 2009 - Report this comment
Fiddlegirl: Aw, shucks -- seriously, shuck us a few clams, with cocktail sauce, 'k? And something to wash them down with, while yer up.... (thanks, truly! ... thou dost me great honor, M'lady.)
Guy - September 24, 2009 - Report this comment
TT - Epic write here - simply amazing. It was non-stop :LOL: from begnning to end and the internal rhyming was over the top. The puns were simply PUNishing and that's a good thing.

I noticed that you used the term xenophobia - I was actually called a xenophobe in comments on one of my parodies. I got the reaction I was looking for.

Any parody that slams Ahmadinejad is just so right in my book. Every time he addresses the UN entire delegations up and book out on him. You'd think after 5 times he'd get the message. Your parody gives too much credit to Ahmadinejad. He's just really a mouthpiece for Ayatollah Sayyid Ali Hoseyni Khāmene’i علی حسینی خامنه‌ای. Khāmene’i wields the real power in Iran. This parody is just so right. Thanks for pointing me to it. I love it.
Tommy Turtle - March 01, 2010 - Report this comment
Guy: DK what happened, or how I missed this comment. A thousand pardons, Sahib!

با تشكر از اظهار نظر و رای می دهند.

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