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Song Parodies -> "Each Hand Is Very Able; I Am Almost Ambidexterous"

Original Song Title:

"I Am The Very Model Of A Modern Major-General"

Original Performer:

Gilbert & Sullivan

Parody Song Title:

"Each Hand Is Very Able; I Am Almost Ambidexterous"

Parody Written by:

Tommy Turtle

The Lyrics


Pop psychology waaay overdoes the "left-brain/right-brain" thing, while the real scientists are still studying it, and finding a good deal of overlap, compensation, and individual variation. Still, the most popular conception goes something like this:
  "...the left side of the brain is primarily responsible for language and logical analysis, (That eliminates TT) while the right side is more involved in creativity and what might be called lateral thinking - making connections between disparate concepts." (TT shut out again. None of the above.)

If in fact left-handed people *are* right-brained, and right-handers, left-brained, you'd think that having good access to both halves would add up to something better. In this author, though, it seems like the two halves are constantly fighting a Civil War with each other, and the bloody, battle-scarred results are exemplified by what gets posted on these parody pages. ;)

Each hand is very able; I am almost ambidexterous  [1]
Come time to choose which one to use, it's sometimes quite perplexterous
I shoot a gun with either one, so don't be too darn vexterous :-)   [2]
It comes in handy; fine and dandy, when it's time fer sex fer us

The ladies treasure double pleasure! (Stopping here, discreetiously)
No need to switch knife, fork, means which I cut and eat steak greeciously   [3]
These words are true, I'm telling you; I don't mean them facetiously
A tennis racket? Forehand; back? It swings both ways, completiously   [4]

The left one's stronger: ping-and-ponger, also, with left, write that way
Right hand: a pitcher, but switch-hitter (talking 'bout delightful play)   [5]
I bat from right. I'm batty, right? Left "out in left field", night and day

To open can, must use right hand; discrimination, they would say
With scissors, same, an unfair game, a lawsuit under ADA   [6]
But how in Hail trim fingernail, if you can't do it aither way?
A right-hand purist? Manicurist! You're the ones who pay their way!

In short, two hands were given us; seems shame, with just one, livin', us
Was Leonardo driven thus, and is God just decivin' us?   [7]

It's his *left* hand that God touched - and - to Adam, gave the spark of life   [8]
The ancients write, not left to right, but right to left, they marked their life   [9]
It seems that early, left, prefer we, as we first embarked on life
What's changed since then, to make left-hand-ed people have a starker life?

Amused: the fight 'mongst Left and Right; I'm neither: Libertarian   [10]
Of each, accept some bits; reject most; slightly anarcharian
I find both wings disfavored things; at heart, authoritarian
They're both bereft, the Right and Left, of logic; how they carry on!

Is mix of brain the cause of pain? Coordinate not, hemisphere?
It seems that we should use both, be-ing that the both of them is here
There are *two* lobes inside our globes, and each one, to brain stem, is near

Much scorn is hurled at Lefties' world; much mockery, administer
What's "ambidexter"'s opposite? We're hexed! It's "ambisinister"   [11]
How dare you use the words we choose: discriminate and spin a slur!?
It's time for us to make a fuss! Watch Tommy T. begin a stir!

In short, we are superior: the race of "ambidexterous"
The rest of you: inferior! Kowtow, and bow your necks to us!   ;-D

[A right-handed reader approaches the turtle, and says:]
Do you realize that you left out the entire third set of 4-4-3-4-2 stanzas?

[The turtle replies:]
Why do you say that I "left" them out? Why not say that I "right" them out?

[Reader, caught off guard, sputters:]
Well, you know, you "omitted" them. They're *missing*. You need to do another full set to make this parody right.

So, another case where "left" is "wrong", and "right" is "correct", huh?

Uh..... (furiously scrambles through dictionary) ... Here you go -- "left" is the past tense of "leave".

So, if I were to finish those verses, I'd have "righted" my "wrong", is that it?

READER: [desperately looking for the exit -- *any* exit, including a hole in the ground, even one "left" by a dog]
Hey, I just meant that you should write the whole parody, to match the entire OS.

Again, "write" sounds exactly like "right", implying that it's only right to write with the right, right?

READER: [trying to see how much it's possible to shrink in size]
That's just a coincidence. You know, it's the customary or traditional word meaning "to mark words permanently on some medium".

Custom or tradition? As in "rite"? "Rite of passage"? "Rite of Holy Communion"? "Marriage Rites"?
Why not "Left of passage" or "Marriage Lefts"?

READER: [by now, fervently wishing to become invisible]
There must be "some" favorable meanings of "left"!

Name one.

READER: [thinking. ....still thinking ........ stiiiiill thinking ....,,,,,. makes a weak try]
Well .... *some* Leftist politicians have sincere motivations and good intentions.

TURTLE: [reads political definition of "Left" from dictionary]
"The part of a legislative assembly, esp. in continental Europe, that is situated on the left side of the presiding officer and that is customarily assigned to members of the legislature who hold more *radical and socialistic views* than the rest of the members."

I wish that I could have been left out of this discussion, or just left alone altogether.

Aw, c'mon, don't go away mad. There's that world-famous architect, Frank Lloyd Left.
And who invented the airplane? The Left brothers, Orville and Wilbur Left.


In fact, Wikipedia, under the last name of "Wright", has so many listings of notable people that they had to break them down by first initial, from Alexander Wright to Winky Wright, with every letter of the alphabet represented among first names except for "U" and "X, Y, Z" Hundreds altogether, and some of the famous names, like Robert Wright or Richard Wright, represented several different individuals by each name.

I have a sinking feeling that there aren't going to be nearly as many famous people named "Left".

Nada. Nein. Zip. Zilch. Zero. Bupkes.

READER: [brightens up, with a "gotcha" look]
But those are just names of "people". You're reading too much into it here!

And where exactly did those "Wright" names originate? Darts thrown at a dartboard of the alphabet?

READER: [deflating rapidly]
I don't think I want to know....

"Cartwright" - someone who builds carts.
"Wainwright" - a wagon-maker.
"Wheelwright" - self-explanatory, no? Two, both named John: a British clergyman and an American poet.
"Playwright" --
These are all people who make or create or fix stuff. All *useful* or *creative*.

READER: [running screaming for the door]
All right, already! .. I mean, all LEFT, already! I'm freakin' *SORRY* that I'm right-handed!

No problem. It's your right. In fact, it's a right guaranteed to you by the Constitution of the United States, including the Bill of Rights, not to mention the Declaration of Independence, which says that everyone has the unalienable rights to Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness.

Of course, the Constitution does not guarantee you any Lefts, and there is no Bill of Lefts, and you have no unalienable Lefts to Life, Liberty, or the Pursuit of ....

[Sound of reader running out the door and slamming it behind, with *both* hands.....]

[1] Yes, correct spelling is "ambidextrous". TOS meter requires pulling Poetic License out of wallet on numerous occasions throughout. (a neologism - an example of creativity?) But actually a contraction, as we'll see...

[2] Using a handgun at a target range, scores with either hand, if not identical, were generally within a point or two of each other (and of the max). Sometimes a perfect score with each hand, so evildoers, be warned. ;)
(ADMINS: That is *not* an actual threat! Just a funny line that fit, aside from being true.)
(Also true: TT wouldn't hurt a fly -- actually, would try to escort it out of the house rather than kill it -- except in lawful self-defense, or lawful defense of others, per the laws of his state.)

[3] Apparently, among you mono-handed people, the 90% who are right-handed hold fork in left, knife in right (same here), cut, then *have to switch fork to right hand*, lest you starve to death. Shortest distance between food and mouth is just to shovel in that left-held morsel.

(Of course, "greeciously" was a double-play, on both "graciously" and "greasy". But you knew that, right? Or left? ;-) (first example where "right" = "correct". Many more coming.)

[4] Very confusing game to young turtlet. Right arm was stronger, so held racket there. But when one came to the other side, instinct was to switch hands and "forehand" it with the left; ergo, *all* shots were forehand. Gave up the game very early, waaay ahead of the first professional to adopt that style deliberately. (DK who; don't follow the game.)

[5] NOTE: The song linked is on the "spicy" side, so if that's not to your taste, no clickee. On the other hand, (haha), if it *is* to your taste, the author was wondering if there's a connection between ambidexterity and the *trait* described there. I need about twenty willing, open-minded, female volunteers, preferably ambidextrous.... ;)

[6] ADA -- stands for a lot of things, but in this case, Americans with Disabilities Act, another example of the famous video series, "Gov Gone Wild" -- taking a reasonable idea (enhancing access for the differently-abled), then both Legislators and Judges going waaay overboard with it -- e. g., saying that a railroad couldn't fire an alcoholic engineer, because alcoholism is a "disease" or "disability", so you can't fire someone for it.

Parody character is calling the ubiquitous right-handed can openers and scissors a discrimination against left-handers (this is one reason why inherent lefties are *much* more likely to be ambidextrous -- they're forced to be), and while one can buy left-handed can-openers, etc., the cost is much higher because of the scarcity. So, sue under the ADA.

More examples of everyday objects primarily designed for right-handed people include refrigerators, microwaves, cameras, computer mice, and padded kitchen mittens (padded on one side only). Left-handed golf clubs are more difficult to find than right-handed ones. Many classical-era Japanese swords were (and even modern cooking knives are) favored to cut more efficiently for the right-handed person. Musical instruments such as guitars are also set up for right-handed people, although one can usually find a similar, yet reversed, shape to play in a left-handed way. Military rifles designed to be shot only from the right shoulder have resulted in injuries from spent cartridge casings hitting left-handed users in the eye and head.

[7] Leonardo da Vinci (1452 - 1519 A.D.), described in a nutshell as "perhaps the most diversely talented person ever to have lived", recorded his studies in science. engineering, and the arts in notebooks comprising some 13,000 pages of notes and drawings.
The journals are mostly written in mirror-image (i. e., right-to-left) cursive. "The reason may have been more a practical expediency than for reasons of secrecy as is often suggested. Since Leonardo wrote with his left hand, it is probable that it was easier for him to write from right to left." .... See later footnote on ancient languages and the reason therefore.

Healthy people breathe with both lungs, filter with both kidneys, etc. -- why this area of preference? To be continued.....

[8] Link in the outro to the iconic painting by Michelangelo on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, showing God reaching out and touching Adam's (cough) *left* (cough) hand, thus giving Adam life. Presumably, God is ambidextrous, but if Adam were right-handed, wouldn't it be more like our modern, conventional handshake (right-to-right)? Just askin'....

[9] Some of the most ancient systems of writing, including Persian, Hebrew, and Arabic, are written right-to-left, which prevents a left-hander from smearing the ink as s/he writes. In modern left-to-right systems, lefties have to curl above and around the wet ink, as in the pic of President Obama linked in the outro. Apparently, there may have been far more lefties when writing was in its early stages -- no one knows exactly if or why, or why the change in proportion over time, other than prejudice and being forced to switch. But why the prejudice?

George *H*. Bush (#1) and Bill Clinton were both left-handed, as is the current President. Hardly alike in any other ways.... Ronald Reagan, IMCO** one of the greatest presidents ever, was as this writer -- somewhat ambidextrous. So counting Reagan's inherent LH-ness, that's four out of the last five POTUS who were "southpaws". (For all you Dubya-haters, he was right-handed... See? ;)

Reagan is rumored to have been left-hand dominant, but forced by his schoolteachers and parents to switch (as was Mama Turtle. By the time the turtlet hatched, they had quit doing that to young'uns - whew! - but still grew up in a right-handed world. Opening jars, driving screws.... ). TT DK that about RR until researching this parody -- interesting!!!!

Even more interesting, Reagan was not, as many thought, a stereotyped "right-winger". He fought, and successfully defeated, homophobic legislation, including against school-teachers, saying. “Whatever else it is, homosexuality is not a contagious disease like the measles. Prevailing scientific opinion is that an individual's sexuality is determined at a very early age and that a child's teachers do not really influence this.”

Also interesting: Reagan began as an FDR "New Deal" liberal Democrat, but "switched" (so to speak! ;) to becoming a conservative-leaning, but not homophobic, Republican. If the schoolteachers who made him switch were FDR fans, serves them "right"! (heh!) "Ambipoliticous"? Or just some hint of Libertarianism, a la TT?

British Prime Minister David Cameron is also left-handed, as is Mexican President Felipe Calderón.

**IMCO - "In My Controversial Opinion" (TT made that up, but it fits. - "neoacronym"?)

[11] Continuing the path of the parenthetical joke at the end of [3]:

"dexter" - "on the right side; right." Origin: Latin: "right, favorable".

"dexterous" (root word of "ambidextrous", so the poetic license of using "ambidexterous" wasn't much license at all; actually, rather logical.)
1. skillful or adroit in the use of the hands or body.
2. having mental adroitness or skill; clever.
3. done with skill or adroitness.
4. ***right-handed.***

"sinister" -- 1. threatening or portending evil, harm, or trouble; ominous: "a sinister remark".
2. bad, evil, base, or wicked; "his sinister purposes".
3. unfortunate; disastrous; unfavorable: "a sinister accident".
4. ***of or on the left side; left.*** Origin: Latin: on the left hand or side, hence unfavorable, injurious.

"ambidextrous" - 1. "able to use both hands equally well"
2. "unusually skillful". Betcha' didn't know that one! (New to moi, too.)

"ambisinister", "ambisinistrous" -- "clumsy or unskillful with both hands."

African-Americans have complained (with considerable justification, IMHO) of the connotation of "black" as being "evil" -- "the black sheep of the family", "black magic", black cat = bad luck, etc. Move over, Homies -- "right" is "correct" or "skillful", and "left" is "wrong, clumsy, or evil" -- *throughout our language*. Is it better to be right behind or left behind? (No "in the middle" "cracks" [lol] here, please. ;)

TT rests his case.

Pic of Sistine Chapel Ceiling: God touching Adam.

Pic of lefty POTUS Barack Obama signing his name.

Private message to TJC: Now you know why your comment at this parody last week struck TT as ironic prescience, and why he replied as he did. ;)

Public message to everybody: This is the *last* in the string of six consecutive MGs - at least for now.... ;)

© 2010 Tommy Turtle. All rights reserved. E-mail:

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Pacing: 4.9
How Funny: 4.8
Overall Rating: 4.7

Total Votes: 11

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Belle - September 15, 2010 - Report this comment
Your parodies, TT, always make me either smile or just plain snicker at your audacity, or giggle (in this case). Your brain may be ambi. but it also keeps moving forward comically.

5's for the parody and the giggle!
Patrick - September 15, 2010 - Report this comment
A version of this tongue-twister I could relate to. I shoot pistol right handed, rifle left handed. Throw baseball left handed, football right handed. Bat left. Can use computer mouse either hand with equal lack of facility, this was a skill that came much later in life. Colonel Colt may have been left handed. Why does he have the ejector rod on the right side. Found an old Belgian .32 with cylinder that swings out to the right. Like the word "ambisinister". Synthesis of political right and left produces libertarianism. The only system that makes sense.
TJC - September 15, 2010 - Report this comment
Got to hand it to you TT, this was (once again, ho, hum....) frickin' incredible! 'Word play' just begins to scratch the surface for what you've accomplished with this uber-extendo riff (See! I *wasn't* wrong! [ref:]).
You've clearly got the right stuff *and* the 'write' stuff--no doubt under the cover of larkness you're expertly performing some 'rite' stuff as well!
In sum: EveryExpialaLineMastercraftedtoAgileisticPerfectionSiradocious (hmmm. asks himself if he can work in a vextrous-dextrous in there too--The Turtle would never notice an extra 15 or syllables--heh!? Nah... that'd be over the TTop eGreecious!)
UnKnownVotress - September 15, 2010 - Report this comment
ahhhh . . . the Under-Cover Wonder !
Old Man Ribber - September 15, 2010 - Report this comment
TT - I recall Yogi Berra excitedly describing a pitcher who could throw the ball with either hand - "He's amphibious!". Amphibians, however, are much lower on the evolutional! Surely you've heard the old chestnut "Left-handers are the only people in their Right Mind!". I am boringly mundane (right in everything, even politics), but yet another quip says "Save the mundanes! We need them for breeding stock!". ;D
Mark Scotti - September 15, 2010 - Report this comment
I n tying to tipe wit my left......Ahhhhh forget it, let's do this "right", absolutely brilliant!!!
John Barry - September 15, 2010 - Report this comment
How do you do it?! I read this and think, why am I wasting my time with such relatively feeble efforts?
Fiddlegirl - September 15, 2010 - Report this comment
Thank heaven this wasn't about what I thought it might be about... ;) Wonderful all the way through. And now I understand all of the world's troubles: No one is ever searching for Mr. Left! If they were, perhaps we'd all be better off. :)
AFW - September 15, 2010 - Report this comment
Excellento production number replacement. No more calls we do have a winner...the prize goes to the parody of the first part and the parody of the second part, or left and right, all contained in this parody..amazing creation
Christie Marie M - September 15, 2010 - Report this comment
This is the most hilarious thing I've ever read, Turtle! Better yet, I enjoyed most of your parodies, but THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE!! I was laughing myself silly as soon as I read the dialogue after the parody! I'm still laughing as I'm typing this comment. That poor reader so confused because he don't understand the turtle's language. I echo TJC on that word play and the puns you make every time. You're so pun-happy, aren't ya! Glad I'm not feeling "right" out. LOL!! I sure wished that I'm ambidextrous, but every time I try to write with my left, my hand hurts and it's sloppy, so I can only be a right-hand man (rather woman). Some Major General 5's for this ambidextrous parody...and I'M STILL LAUGHING!!!! LOL LOL LOL!!!
Tommy Turtle - September 15, 2010 - Report this comment
Belle: You ain't seen nothin' yet - wait until tomorrow (Thursday). mwahaha! ;) .... Seriously, you're welcome for both, and thanks for the v/c.

Patrick: That's a "first" to moi: to throw baseball and football with opposite hands. But not too different from TT using left for ping-pong and right, mostly, for tennis ... Interesting that Reagan, TT, and now, you, make three "ambis" who lean Libertarian. Maybe it really is the result of using both halves of the brain, and the Left and Right are just half-brained? (tucks into shell as hail of unibombs fall - c'mon, peeps, use the "humor" area of the brain, whichever side it's on!) Thanks for v/c, regardless of which hand held the mouse at the time. ;)

TJC: Yep, you were right there -- I never said ewe were wrong there - but ya really oughta check the "latest comments" page once a year or so: You missed two more comments, one by alvin which TT replied to as "funniest three-word comment ever". So go read yer own plug! ... and thanks for v/c!

UnKnownVotress: ~thanks~ for your gracious v/c, Lady oLauding!

Old Man Ribber: I beg your pardon; amphibians are *higher* on the evo scale. Can *you* hold your breath and stay underwater for three hours, or swim across the Pacific Ocean? .... Yes, have heard that old saying; guess ambis are the only people who aren't half-wits -- KIDDING!!! Thanks for v/c. :-D

Mark Scotti: Hunt-'n-pecker (so to speak), eh? Guess we're supposed to touch-type with both hands, and they put most of the most common letters (e, t, a, r, s) on the left, to slow people down so that they couldn't jam the keys of the early typewriters (true). Me, doesn't matter which: both flippers equally inept at typing (keys too small!) Thanks for v/c!!!

John Barry: By wasting both halves of the brain at the same time...:) See other post today: Short 'n simple can be fun and funny, too. ... (One other tip: It requires going for quality instead of quantity, but I respect your personal decision: High degree of prolificness while still occasionally coming up with great word-play, as in the "GTO"/GMO" parody.)
  How do *I* do it??? You're every bit as capable and skilled (and intelligent), if not more, so all you would have to do is *decide* to do it, versus "wasting time" (your words) posting thirty to fifty a week. Thanks for the kind words, my friend.

Fiddlegirl: Yesterday's "OB/Gynecologist" came out "much" differently from originally "conceived", so to speak -- you should thank Heaven even more for that! ;) ... Yep, all women should search for Mr. Left. He's here, waiting... (but stay away from Mr. Goodbar. You get assaulted, and fatty thighs to boot.) Thanks for v/c.

AFW: Thanks for the very kind words and votes, my friend.

Christie Marie M: Wow, thanks for all that! - and *thanks to you*, TT completes the B7 tomorrow (Thursday). Well, thanks to your motivation and inspiration, anyway. Hope you can B there to be my guest! Glad to have given so many laughs -- I give 'em with either hand! (And glad that you thought the dialog a worthy replacement for the final stanzas.) Muah!
Ann Hammond - September 16, 2010 - Report this comment
he he he
Tommy Turtle - September 17, 2010 - Report this comment
Ann Hammond: Thanks for stopping by and hehing!

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