My hand's in ev'ry hottie; I'm an OB/Gynecologist
"Neck"? "pet"? I can; but not "PET scan"; rejected "Radiologist"   [1]
Did not think cancer was the answer; hence, chose not "Oncologist"
Need never fear my "head up rear"; "eliminate" "Proctologist"

Nice Jewish boy sees blood, and "Oy!" - and so becomes "Psychiatrist"   [2]
Dick Morris: sweet on fetish: feet. Not me, so not "Podiatrist"
My closet: free of skel'ton's, see; not "Orthopedi-iatrist"

[spoken:]
Honor? Integrity? ... Got it!

[resume singing:]
My ethics: high, so ne'er would I, on patient, slyly try a tryst

I probe the pubes and palpate tubes, specifically, Fallopian
Ovarian: so very "in"; it's practically Utopian
From court 'n spark 'n feel in dark, I honed my skillful gropian'

I'm full of "heart", but want no part: fat, lardy "Cardiology"   [3]
Yuk! Kidney pudding? British food thing? Nix upon "Nephrology"
Love gal who's hung: nice set of "lungs". but said. "Pno-pno: Pneumology"
Am I chopped "liver"? Don't deliver me to "Hepatology"

This Doctor T.'s a turtle, he: a creature, sea, pelaginal
I made my choice: Cavort! Rejoice! I chose (use your imaginal)

Of chem, organic, not a fan, (ick!); heave out "Hematology"
Can find my way: both night and day; 'haps qualified: "Path-ology"?
I'm no brain surgeon (brain of sturgeon!). Negative: "Neurology"
Prefer: do dames to naming names; nose knows not no "Nosology"   [4]

Two: Kawasaki™: roll 'n rock, he; plus two Hondas™, scooter-wise   [5]
Point: *any* cycle's not too frightful, menstrual or ooterwise
A plastic surgeon? Strippers, urgin'? Not "real" fond, fake hooter-wise

[spoken:]
How to explain my knowledge? ... Got it!

[resume singing:]
More like a plumber: got her number; educated, cooter-wise

Board-Certified; remember, pride: a member: membranes muc--ous-al
So close, examine - Whoa, I *am* in - place where she would nook us all
What's that I see? An STD? Get outta here! You spook us all!

Have shell, not skin, so not go in-to doing Dermatology
Won't put cost on my Dad and Mom, and hence, no "Par'sitology"
I've got the "guts" but wasn't nuts 'bout Gastroenterology
(Farts earned degree, dishonor'bly, in "gas-tro-exit-ology")

In short, on reaching puberty, decided: go for pube-istry
Hot teen-age tail without the jail, I love the young ones' nubistry  [6]

Smear: Papanicolau: small tickle; test for cancer, cervical
I am no perve; I love to serve; of honor, I'm deservical
I treat each dame the very same: the thin, the fat, the curvical
I'm nice and gentle, not judgmental; try: not make 'em nervical

If thought should linger: sticking finger in some body cavity
It wouldn't be the place were she drops pellets, helped by gravity
Ear, nose, throat: oral? Too darn bore-all: "Otolaryngavity"

[spoken:]
Some more colorful way to describe my specialty? ... Got it!

[resume singing:]
Ah, me, TT, my specialty: I deal with dames' depravity!

I know the room inside the womb quite well; I grok the uterus
A fibroid tumor? That's no doomer: Me: "Fibroids Uproot'R-Us
I don't do hysterectomies; it's just not right to neuter us   [7]

Please, no infernal Med, Internal; end, End-ocrinology
Prefer the poon: au-toimmune; no "rheum" for Rheumatology
You came too close to overdose? See docs in Toxicology
Plan, hatch; on, catch; good match; itch, scratch; natch': Doctor of Snatchology

I've no regrets; my work begets much joy; I'm no apologist
I am the very model of an OB/Gynecologist!




[1] "PET scan" = "Positron Emission Tomography", sort of an X-ray on steroids (not the anti-inflammatory kind, heh!)

[2] Call off the Politically Correct Police! That joke was told to me many (more than I care to admit) years ago by one of my Jewish friends, a doctor himself, actually: "Definition of a psychiatrist: A nice Jewish doctor who can't stand the sight of blood". So there. 8-P

[3] Not-too-graceful reference to the fact that the majority of heart disease in the affluent US is preventable by diet, exercise, not smoking, etc. (Yes, there are genetic, infectious, and other causes of heart trouble, but the above would knock out a huge bunch.)

[4] Nothing to do with noses (see the play on "otolaryngology" for that), but "the branch of medicine concerned with the classification of diseases."

[5] True, over a span of several decades. (K 500 - very light and fast, one of the last of the two-strokes; H 650 - very smooth four-cylinder.)

[6] Some coincidences of etymology here. "n00b", puter-wise, comes from "newby" or "newbie", one who is new to (whatever).
Word actually played upon here is totally different: "nubile (of a young woman)" -- "sexually developed and attractive: 'the nubile girls in their bikinis.' ". The actual, non-mangled adjectival (descriptive) noun would be "nubility". (Not to be confused with "nobility", which requires abstaining from the nubility.... ;)

[7] Hysterectomies are the most commonly performed gynecological surgical procedure. In 2003, over 600,000 hysterectomies were performed in the United States alone, of which over 90% were performed for benign conditions. Such rates being highest in the industrialized world has led to the major controversy that hysterectomies are being largely performed for unwarranted and unnecessary reasons. (And mostly by *male* doctors, adds TT. Permanently affects a woman's hormone levels, too; usually, more conservative -- or no -- treatments suffice.)

(Greeknote geeknote: "Hysterectomy" cones from the same root as "hysteria" or "hysterical"; the ancient Greeks thought that the uterus was the seat of a neurotic woman's problems. Sexist pigs. ;)