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Song Parodies -> "My Hand's In Ev'ry Hottie; I'm An OB/Gynecologist"

Original Song Title:

"I Am The Very Model Of A Modern Major-General"

Original Performer:

Gilbert & Sullivan

Parody Song Title:

"My Hand's In Ev'ry Hottie; I'm An OB/Gynecologist"

Parody Written by:

Tommy Turtle

The Lyrics

The author once came within a minute of delivering a baby (only one in the public crowd with any first-aid training), but the paramedics arrived in the nick of time (i. e., too soon) and stole his glory... No actual medical schooling, though. Costs too much, takes too long, no spare time for fun. ;)

My hand's in ev'ry hottie; I'm an OB/Gynecologist
"Neck"? "pet"? I can; but not "PET scan"; rejected "Radiologist"   [1]
Did not think cancer was the answer; hence, chose not "Oncologist"
Need never fear my "head up rear"; "eliminate" "Proctologist"

Nice Jewish boy sees blood, and "Oy!" - and so becomes "Psychiatrist"   [2]
Dick Morris: sweet on fetish: feet. Not me, so not "Podiatrist"
My closet: free of skel'ton's, see; not "Orthopedi-iatrist"

Honor? Integrity? ... Got it!

[resume singing:]
My ethics: high, so ne'er would I, on patient, slyly try a tryst

I probe the pubes and palpate tubes, specifically, Fallopian
Ovarian: so very "in"; it's practically Utopian
From court 'n spark 'n feel in dark, I honed my skillful gropian'

I'm full of "heart", but want no part: fat, lardy "Cardiology"   [3]
Yuk! Kidney pudding? British food thing? Nix upon "Nephrology"
Love gal who's hung: nice set of "lungs". but said. "Pno-pno: Pneumology"
Am I chopped "liver"? Don't deliver me to "Hepatology"

This Doctor T.'s a turtle, he: a creature, sea, pelaginal
I made my choice: Cavort! Rejoice! I chose (use your imaginal)

Of chem, organic, not a fan, (ick!); heave out "Hematology"
Can find my way: both night and day; 'haps qualified: "Path-ology"?
I'm no brain surgeon (brain of sturgeon!). Negative: "Neurology"
Prefer: do dames to naming names; nose knows not no "Nosology"   [4]

Two: Kawasaki™: roll 'n rock, he; plus two Hondas™, scooter-wise   [5]
Point: *any* cycle's not too frightful, menstrual or ooterwise
A plastic surgeon? Strippers, urgin'? Not "real" fond, fake hooter-wise

How to explain my knowledge? ... Got it!

[resume singing:]
More like a plumber: got her number; educated, cooter-wise

Board-Certified; remember, pride: a member: membranes muc--ous-al
So close, examine - Whoa, I *am* in - place where she would nook us all
What's that I see? An STD? Get outta here! You spook us all!

Have shell, not skin, so not go in-to doing Dermatology
Won't put cost on my Dad and Mom, and hence, no "Par'sitology"
I've got the "guts" but wasn't nuts 'bout Gastroenterology
(Farts earned degree, dishonor'bly, in "gas-tro-exit-ology")

In short, on reaching puberty, decided: go for pube-istry
Hot teen-age tail without the jail, I love the young ones' nubistry  [6]

Smear: Papanicolau: small tickle; test for cancer, cervical
I am no perve; I love to serve; of honor, I'm deservical
I treat each dame the very same: the thin, the fat, the curvical
I'm nice and gentle, not judgmental; try: not make 'em nervical

If thought should linger: sticking finger in some body cavity
It wouldn't be the place were she drops pellets, helped by gravity
Ear, nose, throat: oral? Too darn bore-all: "Otolaryngavity"

Some more colorful way to describe my specialty? ... Got it!

[resume singing:]
Ah, me, TT, my specialty: I deal with dames' depravity!

I know the room inside the womb quite well; I grok the uterus
A fibroid tumor? That's no doomer: Me: "Fibroids Uproot'R-Us
I don't do hysterectomies; it's just not right to neuter us   [7]

Please, no infernal Med, Internal; end, End-ocrinology
Prefer the poon: au-toimmune; no "rheum" for Rheumatology
You came too close to overdose? See docs in Toxicology
Plan, hatch; on, catch; good match; itch, scratch; natch': Doctor of Snatchology

I've no regrets; my work begets much joy; I'm no apologist
I am the very model of an OB/Gynecologist!

[1] "PET scan" = "Positron Emission Tomography", sort of an X-ray on steroids (not the anti-inflammatory kind, heh!)

[2] Call off the Politically Correct Police! That joke was told to me many (more than I care to admit) years ago by one of my Jewish friends, a doctor himself, actually: "Definition of a psychiatrist: A nice Jewish doctor who can't stand the sight of blood". So there. 8-P

[3] Not-too-graceful reference to the fact that the majority of heart disease in the affluent US is preventable by diet, exercise, not smoking, etc. (Yes, there are genetic, infectious, and other causes of heart trouble, but the above would knock out a huge bunch.)

[4] Nothing to do with noses (see the play on "otolaryngology" for that), but "the branch of medicine concerned with the classification of diseases."

[5] True, over a span of several decades. (K 500 - very light and fast, one of the last of the two-strokes; H 650 - very smooth four-cylinder.)

[6] Some coincidences of etymology here. "n00b", puter-wise, comes from "newby" or "newbie", one who is new to (whatever).
Word actually played upon here is totally different: "nubile (of a young woman)" -- "sexually developed and attractive: 'the nubile girls in their bikinis.' ". The actual, non-mangled adjectival (descriptive) noun would be "nubility". (Not to be confused with "nobility", which requires abstaining from the nubility.... ;)

[7] Hysterectomies are the most commonly performed gynecological surgical procedure. In 2003, over 600,000 hysterectomies were performed in the United States alone, of which over 90% were performed for benign conditions. Such rates being highest in the industrialized world has led to the major controversy that hysterectomies are being largely performed for unwarranted and unnecessary reasons. (And mostly by *male* doctors, adds TT. Permanently affects a woman's hormone levels, too; usually, more conservative -- or no -- treatments suffice.)

(Greeknote geeknote: "Hysterectomy" cones from the same root as "hysteria" or "hysterical"; the ancient Greeks thought that the uterus was the seat of a neurotic woman's problems. Sexist pigs. ;)

© 2010 Tommy Turtle. All rights reserved. E-mail:

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Voting Results

Pacing: 5.0
How Funny: 5.0
Overall Rating: 5.0

Total Votes: 9

Voting Breakdown

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 5   9

User Comments

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Matthias - September 14, 2010 - Report this comment
I really liked this trip down medical lane. Fun parody and I wouldn't mind having my hands in every hottie (but of course in that profession you're going to get some ugly chicks too)
TJC - September 14, 2010 - Report this comment
Kardashian-sized kudos to 'ewe prose'! Though I feel a bit like a broken record (or should I update that old idiom to, perhaps, 'bad byte'?), regarding your expanding recent MG oeuvre, this was *ridiculously* creative and upheld the OS's spirit to the nth degree (where n = to or > than 'nubile'). You sir have well earned your esteemed Doctorate in Neology--and may well be the first chelonian to do so! So many great lines working in all the specialties to wonderful effect--how do ewe dewe it? My faves by a hair: "Pno-pno: Pneumology", Can find my way: both night and day; 'haps qualified: "Path-ology"?, and of course, the Pink Panther inspired, ""rheum" for Rheumatology"!
John Barry - September 14, 2010 - Report this comment
A Ph.D. in Parody. Another amazing, tongue- and tube-twisting effort!
Old Man Ribber - September 14, 2010 - Report this comment
TT - It's sad that you're not much older. We'd be enjoying the operettas of Turtle and Sullivan! Would Gilbert be here parodying you? Possibly, but not with a fraction of the skill and style! ;D
Patrick - September 14, 2010 - Report this comment
I sometimes play a doctor in an Old West reenacting troop, usually administering medication (anaesthetic) to myself. Does that make me a medifaker? If you get a chance, look at yesterday's attempt to fill in for you on your day off. See if you think I fooled Michael with my Obama tribute. Imagining turtles and sheep together was easy. Doing a tribute to el Presidente was one of the hardest parodies I've ever attempted. Security code "2GN". I remember when I was young I had a cousin who wanted to be a gynecologist. It took me a couple more years to figure out why. (He later went to work for General Motors).
Tommy Turtle - September 14, 2010 - Report this comment
Matthias: True: In that profession, you have to take The Good, The Bad, and The Smelly.... ;) Thanks for v/c.

TJC: Didst thou just call me an ass, Sire? ;) ... How 'bout "broken CD"? -- but one that this listener never tires of hearing! ... "Tommy Turtle, N. D." - no, that's Doctor of Naturopathy, right? :) .... And it was sooo tasteful of you to leave out the implied "c-" or "p-" in "My faves by a ..... hair", even though we all got it, LOL!!!
  And what a sharp spot, to get the Peter Sellers homage! Guess from now on, we should refer to TT's plague-arist as the "una-beumb-er", eh? ... Thanks for v/c, and ewe need replay that ol' 45 or DVD only once more (if merited, of curse!), as Wednesday ends the string of MGs -- kinda burnt out on it, *finally*. (Huge roar of relief from crowd.) Thanks for v/c!

John Barry: Now, *there's* a degree I'll humbly accept, with much gratitude and honor! ... I specialize in untwisting those tubes, but yes, I *can* curl my tongue. (Not professionally relevant, but -- n/m. ;) Thanks for v/c.

Old Man Ribber: If TT were much older, he'd be dead, and you'd probably not be reading his parodies -- and if he replaced Gilbert, there wouldn't be MG or G & S to parody! ... Thanks for the overwhelming compliment of comparison to the famed librettist, though not sure if warranted - parodying what's already written is probably easier than writing their originals. But what an honor, if the time-traveled Gilbert were to parody moi! A thousand thanks!

Patrick: V/c'd your song, and I prefer to think of my schedule as "load-leveling", lol! ;) Appreciate your covering for me, though... Irony *is* difficult to do well, which is why this reader/writer so loves it -- and some TMI-trivia: The parody that has *always* been TT's #1 page-hitter, for several years now, is the author writing from the POV of a woman having her period:
Apparently, the ladies thought that the turtle understood their trials and tribulations pretty well. Doing the Pres' POV would be easy, by comparison - but great job there! Thanks for v/c and for pointing me to the missed-Mondays stand-out.
  Trying to think of something that gynecology and GM have in common, and the only thing: In either case, they're going to stick it to us. ;)
Fiddlegirl - September 14, 2010 - Report this comment
Hard to "stirrup" more clever lines than in this one... My fave by a mile: "pno-pno pneumonia" :)
Christie Marie M - September 14, 2010 - Report this comment
Well done, Dr. Turtle! A great procedure well performed on this one! This is great info for the female reproductive systems. LOL on "gastro-exit-ology!" Another Major General 5's on this one!
Tommy Turtle - September 15, 2010 - Report this comment
Fiddlegirl: I was speculumating on who would come up with that, and guessed correctly :) :) :) Nice to see you "back in the saddle", and thanks for v/c!

Christie Marie M: You're always a gas! - so to speak -- different kind, a good kind -- but thanks for "smelling out" that one! And thanks for v/c!!!
AFW - September 15, 2010 - Report this comment
Raises the bar for future Gyno, notch
Tommy Turtle - September 15, 2010 - Report this comment
AFW: LOL! ... DK there was a "bar" for Gyno parodies; could you meet me there for a drink some time? We could get lucky..... ;)
Mark Scotti - September 15, 2010 - Report this comment
I guess the female turtles could all say that you got your hand..."Under My Shell"(Hint hint...)LOL!!!
Tommy Turtle - September 15, 2010 - Report this comment
Mark Scotti: *That* is GREAT concept! It's going in the "Ideas" folder immediately -- may not get done for a while, as I may need a break shortly -- but it's a good one! Thanks for v/c/i !!! (idea) Security code: NYL -- "New York, (I) Love"!
Ann Hammond - September 16, 2010 - Report this comment
First stop starting the weekly checkups
Tommy Turtle - September 17, 2010 - Report this comment
Ann Hammond: Hey, you can't be too careful these days! he he! (thanks for v/c!)

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