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Song Parodies -> "Should Tommy Turtle Really Do Three Hundred 'Major-Generals'?"

Original Song Title:

"I Am The Very Model Of A Modern Major-General"

Original Performer:

Gilbert & Sullivan

Parody Song Title:

"Should Tommy Turtle Really Do Three Hundred 'Major-Generals'?"

Parody Written by:

Tommy Turtle

The Lyrics

John Barry has (almost) (exactly) (more than) 300 spins on Screamin' Jay Hawkins' "I Put A Spell On You". (didn't count, but announced goal was three hundred; the last I heard, he was close.) Should TT riff this one, not three times, but three *hundred* times?

Should Tommy Turtle really do three hundred: "Major-Gereral"?
He though he ought, but then thought not; a passing thought ephemeral
It's hard to take each one and make unshakably quite memoral
His mind too active? Not attractive. Just a concept chimeral

Vocabulary great: John Barry: Jay's "I Put A Spell On You"
Admiring fan did what he can: TT's I'd Not Do Well v. You""
I wouldn't wager: "Gen'ral, Major", that "I Put My Shell On You"

[pause, then continue, speaking]
Too hard a song to riff so many? .... Got it!

[resume singing]
They'd not be good; T. never would foist such, his clientele, on you

There's many reasons why, not pleasin': some, perhaps, political
It's also true, as well know you, he tends toward hypercritical
Earns readers' wrath with write of math, so anal-analytical

His footnotes: strong on facts, but long; he thinks he's "on a roll" and "hot"
But reading them: cause bleeding, phlegm; does this guy have a soul, or what?
His rant and rage 'cross lengthy page makes readers have to scroll a lot
Though wit is droll, it takes its toll; should drop him in a hole to rot.

In short, though writes bodaciously, it's sad it's so loquaciously
His comments: writ not graciously; they take up too much space, you see?

His fav'rite tactic: be didactic; masses, hopes to educate
Hey, Tommy T., it's *parody*, not classes; laughs, should deducate
Why can't you see? -- To us, what thee posts: thought of more as exudate
Much too myopic; choose your topic carefully, ere predicate   [1]

Though he'll contribute well-earned tribute, most jokes: mostly juvenile
Post potty humor? Baby "boomer": feting farts is puerile   [PR...]
He thinks he's clever? Hardly, ever! Dude is deep in true denial   [..PR.]

[pause, then continue, speaking]
Not nearly so intellectual as he thinks he is? ... Got it!

[resume singing]
Cad! Cunning creep is car'pace-deep in nooky, spooky, kooky style

He flexes lex to write of sex, until perplex: his readership
Shows no respects; subjects subjects to lewd effects; his seed: her, slip
'Spite mind complex, so rare, reflects; rejects expected leadership

So often choose to write of ewes that G & S, in grave, would spin
Has too much nerve; his fans deserve true gen-i-us, and crave good spin
If used brain wave, and not brain, waive, all readers: rant and rave; should spin
If he'd behave and not deprave, he surely could engrave good spin

In short, for "Penzance": penance; nor should parody the "Pinafore"
As well as we know Tommy T., he'd go where no man'd beenafore

"We must stay calm when Unabomber 'Vietnams' with Ones, your song"
For Agent Orange, opens: door hinge; drops napalm by tons: your song   [2]
With brain so feeble, stupid dweeb'll say that all your puns are wrong
But Tommy took him; couldn't brook him; schnook: one look, then runs along   [3]

Although that guy's despicable, song might not be re-plic-able
T''s notions: germinate from sperm? Completely inexplicable
He'd best play safe, or find he'll chafe: quagmire, inextricable

[pause, then continue, speaking]
Not get locked into elite Major-General parodies? ... Got it!

[resume singing]
He'd rather write stuff sexy, trite; like mammariesmostlickable

It's prob'ly better: keep him fettered; disallow: insult OS
And not get sassy, turning classy song into "adult-ish" mess
The crowd not "wowed"; the throng not thrilled; the fans not filled: exultishness

Three hundred "Pirate..."? Readers irate; too much for the turtle-mind
Too great a task to even ask of one of such a fertile mind
Should be resigned, and not inclined, or he'll too high a hurdle, find
It's one back-breaking undertaking. ('Haps could wake and spur dull mind?)

In short, abort; the song's too long; be awf'lly hard to spin 'em all
Perhaps rhymes new; at times, a few; you certainly can't win 'em all

[A reader approaches and asks:]
Could you maybe do three hundred "American Pies"?

[The Turtle replies:]
Maestro! Press the apple pie dough; slit through, 'k?

[repeat 3rd verse, about the Unabomber,
at a speed even faster than the original tempo,
and without the pause or spoken part.]

[PR] Pacing and rhyming notes: "puerile" has several accepted pronunciations. If you look through enough dictionaries, you'll find one that lists "pyoo-uh-rahyl" (last syllable as in "mile/smile", etc.), thus keeping three syllables and rhyming "juvenile", as per yesterday's discussion of TOS rhyme scheme.

Can also find one that includes *two* syllables for "denial" (same "mile/smile"), so that "true denial" rhymes with the rest.

[1] "predicate" (with a long "a", thus rhyming) - "to base something on"

[2] Ha! Who ever said that there is no rhyme for "orange"? (bows graciously)

[3] Four looks, actually. As of this writing, the Unabomber parody has been Unabombed four times. ... Ahh, smell the irony!

Three hundred? Not unless the human/reptilian lifespan is extended dramatically. *BUT* - there *could* be another installment or two ... maybe even tomorrow. :-)

© 2010 Tommy Turtle. All rights reserved. E-mail:

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Original Song: 
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Voting Results

Pacing: 4.2
How Funny: 4.4
Overall Rating: 4.4

Total Votes: 10

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   2
 2   0
 3   0
 4   0
 5   8

User Comments

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Michael Pacholek - September 08, 2010 - Report this comment
No, Tommy, don't do 300 versions of this. 39 is plenty. I should know, that's how many times I've wrecked the Edmund Fitzgerald. Just take the 5s from this one and... "At ease."
Old Man Ribber - September 08, 2010 - Report this comment
Well, you warned! ;D
Andy Primus - September 08, 2010 - Report this comment
What? Only 5 footnotes. No scrolling for this one then.
Old Man Ribber - September 08, 2010 - Report this comment
But seriously, folks...once again, sheer overpowering virtuosity on display (the orange - door hinge coupling may be older than our combined ages!). In the words of Robert Schumann after hearing Frederic Chopin... "Hats off, gentlemen - a genius!" (Peter Schikele adds that when Schumann later heard P.D.Q. Bach, he wrote "Hats back on, gentlemen - an idiot!"). ;D
Patrick - September 08, 2010 - Report this comment
I have collected about 40 versions of "Eve of Destruction", of maybe 80 I've read about. Never tried to write my own. Can't think of anything vastly different from the original. I remember on the radio a song called "You Can't Hide Your Lying Eyes". It seemed to get longer every time I heard it. Like someone was writing new verses all the time. For once I agree with Michael Pacholek.
Peter Andersson - September 08, 2010 - Report this comment
Orange also rhymes with Porn Ranch, if the pronounciation speed is right, though you'd probably have to write lyrics for the band Spinal Tap to get away with putting that couplet into a song...
Peter Andersson - September 08, 2010 - Report this comment
Adding footnote: Spinal Tap Lyrics to "Sex Farm" and excerpt from the movie:
TJC - September 08, 2010 - Report this comment
Fantastic, per usual! As OMR opines so elegantly and vehemently, there is no comparison to the Turtle on a roll--shear (heh!) genius and prodigious volume make for an unbeatable combo--the ol' one, two, three-hundred punch! Ewe really need to meet some guy named Hamlish or Sullivan that you can really throw the 'book' at; I'd love to see a production of your stuff fully supported by pros. I'd help you out myself, but I'm a sLowe Lerner...
Fiddlegirl - September 08, 2010 - Report this comment
Are you waiting for someone to Triple Dog Dare you? ;)

TMGLTM, but you know I get a kick out of the wordplay: anal-analytical, subjects/subjects, wave/waive, etc., and "Orange/door hinge" - close enough! :) Enjoyed the internal rhymes and alliterations! :)
Tommy Turtle - September 08, 2010 - Report this comment
Michael Pacholek: So, you're promising us all that you will never again do another TWOTEF? We have it here in writing, and we're going to hold you to it. :)
  Glad you were able to work your numbers into your comment, and also, thanks for letting us know that 39 is *exactly* the right maximum number of spins for anything. That means I can do, uh, 32 more -- but as noted in Line 3, my moTTo is "Quality, not quantity". Thanks for v/c.

Old Man Ribber: Indeed - and now you know why TT found your "wretched excess" comment ironic! :-D

Andy Primus: Check yesterday's version (7 Sep Chucky Time) - figured I owed my readers a break after that "encyclopedia". ;-) ... uh, if you can see the whole thing without scrolling, just exactly how big *is* your screen? lol! ... Thanks for v/c; long time, no c (and no v) ... psst! Don't tell anyone else this, but don't miss the rest of the week!)

Old Man Ribber The Movie: Thanks for the kind words, :)

Patrick: Kristof Robertson did a great take-off on "Lying Eyes" called "Lyin' Spies?", about Russian mail-order brides:
  I too agreed with Michael once recently. Hey, even a clock that doesn't run at all is right twice a day! ... (Old joke, NOT a personal slam; we differ politically, but see this Friday's group trib for the aTTitude about that.)
  Since Michael was supporting the road-building plan to create votes - I mean, jobs - for the union workers who backed him, there's your "Eve of Destruction" concept: "Peeved At Construction". Or "Grieved At Bankruption" -- hmm, rather like that myself -- naah, you can have 'em both. ;-) .... "Cleave Tax Reduction".....

Peter Andersson: IMHO, the hard "nch" sound is too far from the soft "g" in "orange", but hey, go for it! ... Will pass on the Lumbar Puncture-ation, thanks, but thanks for v/c!

TJC: Thanks, but who'd buy recorded footnotes? (heh!) Grateful as always for your creatively-crafted comments, per usual!

Fiddlegirl: One dog at a time is enough, thank you. I'd take only hotties for a threesome... ;) The trip'll (heh!) continue tomorrow... As for faves: Yep,

"When I thought up those wordings
"You were on my mind"

(We Five, so brilliantly parodied by some duo here: )

Comforting to know that all is not for naught, and that those faves of the author were also faves of his co-author. (Flash! Hey, maybe that's why we get along in collabbing? Never thought of that.... ;) Thanks for v/c/a (appreciation). muah!
Christie Marie M - September 08, 2010 - Report this comment
Great parody, TT! Tommy Turtle TTackles the Big 7! BTW, here's the OS for "Be Our Guest": If you do spoof this OS, this will complete your "Turtle TTackles Big 7" collection! You would complete the Big 7 as well. And if you feel that you can write 300 Major-General's songs, I say go for it...or maybe you want to go with Mike P's comment. It's your choice really. I really do think you should think about participating in SOTM contests as well because you have a God given talent for parody writing and you would do well in any contest. Just a suggestion, really. Well, about this parody, take some Major-Modern 555's! :)
Tommy Turtle - September 08, 2010 - Report this comment
Christie Marie M: Even though I'd never even *heard* of "Be Our Guest" until a fairly recent discussion of the Big 7 (I thought I'd completed it with BoRap, another song and band I DK), I do intend to do "Be", possibly even next week, if time permits. I have several title switches in mind already. I do appreciate the link, and will use it for guidance and comparison. Thanks!

Then, I can forget the B7 stuff and go back to doing whatever I want, lol! :-D

As for SOTM and other contests, one large obstacle is that, given that TT is "slightly" older than CM, I DK most songs of the past couple of decades (except when they keep remaking the oldies, LOL) , and so I couldn't fairly appreciate and vote on others' songs - and don't really care to listen to a large number of OSs that are not my style. (read "painful", hehe!) But appreciate the suggestion and the thought behind it!

Actually, I have no fixed number of spins of *any* OS in mind. Once did a planned trilogy on Lennon's "Imagine", but then came the Henry Louis Gates thing, so "I'm Badgin' (Gates)" was a natural fourth spin. Will just keep doing MGs if/when the fancy strikes, though as said in outtro, 300 is waaay too many. But check back the rest of this week - and maybe even next week! Thanks for the Christie MM (Major-Modern) Fives! :)
Michael Pacholek - September 09, 2010 - Report this comment
I never promised that I would never again do "The Wreck." I just said that the same number I did of that is enough for you and the MG. I haven't yet gotten an idea for a 40th, but, sooner or later, it will come.
Tommy Turtle @ Michael Pacholek - September 09, 2010 - Report this comment
You don't think that's rather presumptuous, for you to decide that whatever number you've done is "right" for me" (while bragging of how many you've done)? Or to say "at ease" - did you think I'd come to attention for you? .... I'd like to keep our differences purely political and not personal, Michael, but you're making it very difficult to do so.

Nonetheless, you're still in the group tribute to be posted on Friday, 10 September. And I'll decide when to stop doing MG, thank you. :)
Andria - September 09, 2010 - Report this comment
Very good, TT! I'm probably not going to do another parody of "Fallin' in Love" or "Mellow Yellow" (two old standbys of mine) again in a while, and have been too busy IRL to do much of anything regarding parodies. I even crammed in my ABC vote about 12 hours before the deadline since I was otherwise too busy. 5s.
Tommy Turtle - September 09, 2010 - Report this comment
Andria: Thanks, and don't forget the group trib on Friday!

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