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Song Parodies -> "The Unabomber's Mental State Is Rotten, Hateful, Criminal"

Original Song Title:

"I Am The Very Model Of A Modern Major-General"

Original Performer:

Gilbert & Sullivan

Parody Song Title:

"The Unabomber's Mental State Is Rotten, Hateful, Criminal"

Parody Written by:

Tommy Turtle

The Lyrics

FOR NEWER READERS ONLY: (Everyone else already knows this.) "Unabomber", as used at this site, does not refer to Dr. Theodore John "Ted" Kaczynski, who sent sixteen mail bombs between 1978 and 1995, for which he is currently serving a life sentence in prison without possibility of parole. Rather, it refers to those who vote 111 on songs, usually anonymously, and usually without any explanation - or no reasonable explanation - of why such a vote was warranted. Often, the song is regarded as perfectly paced by other voters, and *sometimes*, this is recognized in a vote such as 5-1-3 by someone who finds the song offensive or not funny, but the true Unabombers ignore perfect pacing and give the triple-1 anyway.

Usually, it means that you've stepped on someone's toes: opposed their political or other beliefs, criticized their songs, or said something that offended them. Or perhaps merely not liking seeing others receive high praise. In any event, it's infantile revenge, generally disregarded by most writers in the absence of a known signature and any real reason for the vote. Sort of like a mosquito -- a pest, but one swatted away easily.

Even as a n00b of seven weeks, TT got hit by a mass Unabombing of his first fifty or so songs, and wrote a noob parody in reply. It too was subject to a belated attack (note the third comment, about "not receiving any ones for this"), although one of the bombers (long since gone from this site) at least signed his known nick. Talk about ignorance! TT an "ultra-liberal"? Ask any of TT's readers -- Left or Right -- whether that's true, or just see this one.)

Here's one a little more complex. If the shoe fits, this song's for you!

The Unabomber's mental state is rotten, hateful, criminal
His IQ: bust! Disgust! It must be just above the minimal
Sees song: unhinge; perhaps revinge for some slight slight, subliminal
Can't stand your song; your tune's all wrong; your lyrics and your hymn 'n all

So sadly sick: no signing nick; how cowardly anonymous!
He's mad as hatter! Subject matter? Politics, economous?
He hates your views; votes Ones and Twos; a sNOwman quite abominous

[pause, then continue, speaking]
No original thoughts? Got it!

[resume singing]
Unable: write; no site sight, cite; nor authoring autonomous

For this, no cure: enduring, sure: de jure, insecurity [P]
Assure: unsure; inure: manure; you're boor with poor maturity **
Your votes: obscure; our haute couture: procure parodic purity

Just read 'n weep: this (bleep)in' creep that no one gives a da*n about
Let's flout this lout; he'll no doubt pout; devoutly clout and jam him out
Revolting dolt: insulting jolt: low-voltage bolt, though slam 'n shout
This spamming sham can cram his scam 'n ram it up his ham-end route

In rating creativity, he has a strong proclivity
For nagging negativity and panning progressivity

He gets his fun: vote 1-1-1, no matter how well: rhyme and pace
You: such strict vetter. You do better? Show your rhyme, you slime disgrace
You vote us rough? Go strut your stuff! Enough of bluff! It's time: facts, face!
You're so perverse! Your Ones, disburse; our verse: terse curse; sublime: debase

When we amaze, and others praise, it must, you, faze; so, prattle, you
Our brains ablaze, we turn pert phrase with witty ways, so, brattle, you
You gaze; eyes glaze: displays: word-plays. Surveys; dismays; so battle, you

[pause, then continue, speaking]
He's upset! What to do? ... Got it!

[resume singing]
Portrays malaise in anal phase, so toss his a*s out! That'll do!

On our hard drive, we so hard, strive; post, hope: arrive the Fives, or some
This cat so jive makes votes nose-dive; contrive: deprive; derive joy from
Too bad! We thrive! Your "bombs", survive! How are you still alive, so dumb?

Our inspiration: new creation. Him: frustration; hate 'n frown
Gets Fives? Elation! Celebration! Aberration: rate it down
His skills not great; he must berate; become irate; negate your crown
He can't create; debate; relate; can only m*st*rb*te, this clown

In short, votes not on quality, but rather with frivolity
Though seemingly, a pall it be, a worthless vote is all it be

He spun his Ones as Tommy guns his funnest puns: "Amer'can Pie"
To syll'ble match: dispatch from scratch; each "get": snatch, 'natch; a "catcher", wry ***
Why, thusly, do? I'm sure all you have not a clue, and nor do I
Does top-notch work inflame this jerk? Not just a quirk, but truth: deny

Your best, most brilliant? Be resilient; no emollient slacks his rage
Your magnum opus? There's no hope; this magnum dopus whacks your page
You roll 'n rock? He doesn't grok, so has to mock; attacks, he'll wage

[pause, then continue, speaking]
Grok 'n roll ... tough metaphor to follow, no? ... Got it!

[resume singing, at original tempo]
Shlock's flock of crock, no bloc could block. Let go of c*ck, and act your age!

You think: neat trick, a nit to pick? Not! Nitwit, thick; our butts, can lick
Not quick, but brick-like chicken-shtick: Us: not afflict; don't give a frick!
Rube hick, us: tick, by click thus (sic)? Nix, Slick! Grab wick and flick your Bic!™

The Unaclick's a lunatic, with mouse for gun; here comes the One
His talent: none; he thinks it's fun to dump a ton, then "hit and run"
He's just begun? Methinks he's done! Take no note - none! -- and comments, shun!
So look *here*, Son: rhyme, stunning, spun; and "One-s" again, you've been outdone! :) :-) :-D

In short, in matters voterous, his "loco"-motor's odorous
Not fragrant, flagrant! Vagrant's floaters: Flaming farts quite ode-he-us ****

[A Unabomber leaves a comment:]
Could you redo that parody, please? It's perfectly paced and ferociously funny, so change it.

[The Turtle soloist looks at the Admin, and says:]
Pest! He must be blotto, shrill bouffe! *****

[repeat 3rd verse, ("He spun his Ones...")
at a speed even faster than the original tempo,
and without the pause or spoken part.]

[P = Pacing note] For those whose Latin is ruste, the final "e* is pronounced in Latin words, so "jure" sounds like "jury" in English (two syllables in "jure"), says the Duste Springfield fan.

** Admittedly a bit obscure due to poetic ellipsis; if you don't need this explanation, don't read it. ;-)
"We can rest assured that you are unsure of yourself. We are so accustomed to the manure that you fling that it doesn't bother us."

*** Second shot at "The Catcher In The Rye", since the first shot drew no comments. Was TT the only poor slob forced to read Salinger in high school?
(Anyone catch "Tommy gun(s)"? Inquiring pea-brains want to know, so that they can try to kick the footnote habit ;)

**** (You don't need it, don't read it, but can't risk letting this one "slide by" [so to speak, heh heh!] a single reader.) He, to our odes (metonym for our songs, poems, etc.), is "odious" - "deserving or causing hatred; hateful; detestable; highly offensive; repugnant; disgusting." That pretty much covers it...

***** "Opéra bouffe" - a genre of late 19th-century French operetta, very farcical. Related to "buffoon", a ridiculous or foolish person; clown.

"The Catcher In The Rye" © 1951 J. D. Salinger. Bic ® Societe BIC. All else © 2010 Tommy Turtle. All rights reserved. E-mail:

Your Vote & Comment Counts

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Matches Pace of
Original Song: 
How Funny: 
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Voting Results

Pacing: 4.2
How Funny: 4.0
Overall Rating: 4.0

Total Votes: 20

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   4
 2   0
 3   0
 4   0
 5   16

User Comments

Comments are subject to review, and can be removed by the administration of the site at any time and for any reason.

Mark Scotti - August 06, 2010 - Report this comment
VERY CLEVER and 'explosive"! It gets a FIVE bomber out of me...
Old Man Ribber - August 06, 2010 - Report this comment
Got him right in the Gilbert and Sullivans! A (Jonathan) swift and devastating response to "The Pirate and P*ss-Ant". Moreover, a veritable vision of verbal virtuosity and vindictive vitriol. (In Roman numerals, that's a 30.....6 Vs!) Exactly as I would have said it...if I could! ;D
Matthias - August 06, 2010 - Report this comment
I should vote you 111 but I know I can't give this anything lower than 555. See I am commenting and reading your stuff Tommy! :)
John Barry - August 06, 2010 - Report this comment
15 big YES!'s to you, TT. I tackled this topic via Julie Andrews:
TJC - August 06, 2010 - Report this comment
Ewe've done it again. Pure Genius!
How can I put this--llet me think--I've got it!

The Turtle Rex hath flexed his lex, thus Bomber's dreck's now uni-corn
And note his fine internal rhymes; TT's are primed so rat's a shorn
His perfect pace--a cudgel'd mace--imprints disgrace when Turtle bourne
Our verbal Zeus hath goosed his noose 'round said caboose o' One o' Scorn

In short, in patters lexical, you'll find T's quick to vex the dull
If piqued, fights back--Poor Uni's 'sacked'--and K.O.'d by huge gesticles!

Max "Cincabomber" Power - August 06, 2010 - Report this comment
I know, whoever the dude is, he/she has serious issues. One of them have been stalking me for the past two years.
Tommy Turtle - August 06, 2010 - Report this comment
Mark Scotti: Bombs away, Sir! :-) Thanks, Mark!

Old Man Ribber: Love the alliteration - and FG would positively *swoon* over it! (Do that in your songs, too!) Thanks for the six Fives! ;)

Matthias: Yep, one out of eight for the week isn't bad. Hey, nobody in the majors bats .125, because if they did, they'd be fired! ;-) (seriously, thanks for the v/c on this one, at least.)

John Barry: Vini, vidi, voti. Great job there, too. I had another early one besides what's linked in the intro, but you've already v/c'd that one, too. Thanks for v/c at this always-eligible target.

TJC: Stupendofabulous! I'd urge you to finish that and post it, except that since it's turtletributary, there's a conflict of interest there. OTOH, who am I to stop you? Brilliant, brilliant comment!
          I think I'm about to achieve a "first" -- the first time that anyone has ever said that a *comment* had TMGLTM! Loved 'em all!
AFW - August 06, 2010 - Report this comment
Lots of amazing multiple rhyming and excellent phrasing
John Jenkins - August 06, 2010 - Report this comment
Outstanding wordplay, TT. I particularly like the slight slight and site sight, but it was moslty great (although I was somewhat disappointed that you abandoned the three syllable rhyming a few times toward the end of the parody).

Your comment states that the 111s are "usually" assessed anonymously. I think they are always assessed anonymously or pseudonymously. If someone were to assesses 111 and uses his/her real name (or real AmiRight name) and give a reason, which I don't think I've ever seen, then I wouldn't have a problem with it.
Tommy Turtle - August 06, 2010 - Report this comment
Max "Cincabomber" Power: I think that *any* of us who've been around that long have been stalked ... as mentioned. TT was hit after only seven weeks on site. My sympathy and empathy, and thanks for the v/c.

AFW: Thanks a ton, good Airfarcewon!

John Jenkins: Sorry to disappoint on point of double-feminine rhyming, (I think that's what you meant), but perhaps the double- and triple-consecutive-syl rhymes (site sight cite; snatch, natch; flagrant fragrant vagrant) could make up for that? Synthesis was needed to put a strong finish on the story, so ballad form took over instead -- sorry to disappoint; see point; 'gree, joint.
          Agree wholeheartedly with second paragraph; according to the intro, such a person wouldn't qualify as a Unabomber, ipso facto. And no, I too have never seen a 111 with a genuine reason, much less a recognized name or nick. Just avoiding categorical statements, which are always logically risky.

Thanks for v/c, and still curious to know whether you're the same John Jenkins who comments occasionally @ Schneier blog, including recently - not that you have to answer, of course. Thanks for reading and v/c.
Barry J. Mitchel - August 07, 2010 - Report this comment
Only the 111th US Congress deserves a 1-1-1 vote (maybe a 5 for pacing)! Although this submission is almost as long as one of their bills, it makes sense and gets 555 from me.
Tommy Turtle - August 07, 2010 - Report this comment
Barry J. Mitchel: You'll have to take any length complaints to Messrs. Gilbert and Sullivan, although that might be, er, "somewhat difficult". ;) Thanks for the v/c.
Christie Marie M - August 08, 2010 - Report this comment
Sorry I haven't been on in awhile. I've been ridiculously busy and yes, I was on vacation...and on hiatus for awhile. Plus my fam's been working me like a dog. But don't worry, I haven't forgotten you, friend! TT TTackles the Big 7 twice this month: still yet to read 'Merry Girl's Pie'. I'll read the rest of your parodies whenever I get the chance. Knowing you, you can literally pace each and every OS no matter how complicated as well as adding humor to it. Yeah, I was only unabombed few years back in my 12 Days of Christmas parody of 08. I stopped taking 1's personally. Some people randomly drop 1's because they usually have nothing better to do. Well, this gets 555's!
Tommy Turtle - August 08, 2010 - Report this comment
Christie Marie M: It's even nicer that you're so busy, but still took time out to read my little ditty! Looking forward to your critique of the others, including the Big Pie, when time permits

... And how pathetic is a life that has "nothing better to do" than to drop 1s? Yep, I ignore them, too -- I see that a second 111 has been added recently.         Hmm, whom have I ticked off this week? Only one person that I know of, but that's just circumstantial evidence.... well, who cares? They're all page hits, for which ChuckyG gets paid, so it helps support the site. Thanks for v/c!
Bilbopooh - August 09, 2010 - Report this comment
A dizzying, intricately rhymed ode to that pervasive annoyance. The first dozen or so parodies I posted here got hit by the Unabomber right away, so I quickly learned not to take it too seriously...
Tommy Turtle - August 10, 2010 - Report this comment
Bilbopooh: Good adjustment by you there, early on... FWIW, most of TT's M-G parodies are "dizzying, intricately rhymed". Quick list - no obligation, but the usual guaranTT: If not satisfied, double your money back! :-D

Quick review in my pea-brain indicates hope that all will be found dizzying, intricate, and who knows, maybe even funny?! Thanks for v/c!

Unabomber: I see that this is attracting about one more bomb each day. Thanks for proving that the song is correct, and love those page hits! (365/yr + actual legitimate readers/commenters).
Zen Adam Sixties - August 11, 2010 - Report this comment
The Unabomber makes me wanna deploy the emergency slide.
Andy P - August 11, 2010 - Report this comment
No time for long comment - fave lines = He gets his fun: vote 1-1-1, no matter how well: rhyme and pace You: such strict vetter. You do better? Show your rhyme, you slime disgrace
The Unaclick's a lunatic, with mouse for gun; here comes the One His talent: none; he thinks it's fun to dump a ton, then "hit and run"
Tommy Turtle - August 11, 2010 - Report this comment
Zen Adam Sixties: LOL!!! Good one! -- but what about, say, waiting till the plane gets to 41,000 feet, then pushing UB out the emergency exit? ... Thanks for v'c.

Andy P: Puter still in the shop, eh? Sorry, Mate. .. .what brand, and what's wrong? (when you have time). Thanks for taking a bit of your precious library time to v/c, and hope you're back full-time soon.
          unfortunately, methinks it might be break time for a while, having posted 11 songs in just over a week -- figures. ;-(
Lifeliver - March 31, 2013 - Report this comment
As intricate internal rhyming and alliteration as I've seen anywhere. You rank with the great lyricists and whimsical versifiers from Lerner and Hammerstein back to William Gilbert, Edward Lear and Lewis Carroll through to Pope, Swift and Dryden. Had you been around certain composers at the right place and time, I've no doubt you'd be a household word by now. Sorry but that's about all the praise I can muster. I would strongly advise any contributor here who thinks they're pretty good to delve into your dungeon of didactic ditties. One-bombing this is tantamount to bombing Dresden or strafing a maternity ward. Incredible you got three - one rape of Nanking, one Armenian massacre and one Holocaust? I put some 555s there but it had no effect on your average.
Al Silver - March 31, 2013 - Report this comment
I hope the following comment is not taken to be the turd in the punch bowl. One of the first things I noticed in reading this parody was the plethora of internal punctuation marks. In fact, I see many other parodies on this site so afflicted. This tends to reduce an affected line to a series of blurts, where there should be a sustained narrative. The Gilbert original has one colon; I counted 15 in just the first few verses of the parody. Over-punctuating is, to me, a capitulation to the rigors of rhyming and pacing. Moreover, it's an eyesore. James Thurber hated commas, used as few as possible, and said they looked like dead anchovies pasted to the page. For the reason I give, I vote 5-3-3. I have posted a parody today which, I hope, demonstrates what I mean by "sustained narrative." Of course, I have just invited a barrage of 1's.
Lifeliver - April 01, 2013 - Report this comment
Valid point, Al. I'm a minamalist too re. punctuation in verse. I believe the tempo and structure of the music itself should be doing the job of time modulation, just as speech does. TT and I have broached the subject elsewhere. It'a matter of literary taste and style, and I have no particular objection provided it clarifies meaning as it ought. Looking forward to your next parody.
Tommy Turtle - April 01, 2013 - Report this comment
@ Lifeliver: You do me great honor, Sir. I hope I can catch-up after having been so thoroughly mustered, though the kind words were relished.

  Thanks for the comment and vote, and as far as the 5s not raising the average, feel free to add more -- KIDDING!
Truth: What's meaningful is when writers and commenters, many of whom I know and respect, and others who are unknown but appear to be sincere, place their votes and the reasons for them. If voted down a notch, and the glitch is explained, I learn something. If the votes are tops, and the reasons or what they liked are indicated, that's meaningful and gratifying. What is not meaningful is anonymous Ones, or other very low votes, without any *rational* complaint about the song. Therefore, those don't count in the average. Thanks again for following the link and sharing your thoughts.

@ Al Silver: I plead guilty as charged. However, this is not merely a "capitulation to the rigors of rhyming and pacing", but also to the much finer arts of mulitple internal rhyming, alliteration, and of syllable-matching, which are techniques that many parodists don't even attempt. Most of the better (IMHO) writers here do attempt to mix these into some, though not all, of their parodies, and most of them appreciate and respect them in others' parodies,as LL did. It allows for more meaning, puns, and content within the space of TOS.
  Thurber had his style; I have mine. (Note the use of the semicolon to indicate ellipsis, meaning that the full line is "Thurber had his style and I have mine." What's wrong with that?) Thurber had has fans and I have mine. noted amiwriter alvin rhodes often writes like e e cummings and i respect his style and enjoy his work. For a sustained narrative parody of American Pie that has very little punctuation other than that which is gramatically required, such as quote marks around quotes, apostrophes for contractions, etc., please see
    I don't think you need fear a barrage of 1s; certainly not from moi, nor from the cadre of better writers here. As for your vote and comments, I understand that they were made in good faith, and I take them that way. We can agree to disagree respectfully. Thanks for taking the time to read and comment.
Lifeliver - April 01, 2013 - Report this comment
@ Tommy: I'm pretty sure you've provided Al with the wrong link ??
Tommy Turtle - April 05, 2013 - Report this comment
Apparently so, but now I can't remember which song was intended. Will try to find time to search through some time. Thanks.
TT - April 05, 2013 - Report this comment
It might have been this one:
Al Silver - April 06, 2013 - Report this comment
Why do you use internal rhymes when the Gilbert OS does not? I'm afraid the unnecessary restraints you put on yourself detract from the smooth flow of the parody. Your rhymes and alliterations are very clever and you are a virtuoso, but you leave yourself open to accusations of showboating and hot-dogging. Here is my parody of a G & S patter song
Al Silver - April 06, 2013 - Report this comment
To paraphrase Edmund Kean: Complexity is easy; simplicity is hard.
Tommy Turtle - April 08, 2013 - Report this comment
If complexity is so easy, why not try to match the above style yourself, with just one parody, for academic purposes? Surely it would be a lot easier than the simple parodies that you prefer to write. I look forward to it.

Unnecessary restraints, or high standards and goals? Lots of writers, self included, use internal rhyming on OS that don't have it. You can always do more than the OS does, but you can't do less. (e. g., not rhyme where it does; not include all of the verses, etc.)

I've done a lot of simplicity. Extreme: (based on a topical event a few years ago):
Feel free to browse my catalog for others.

A lot of readers have enjoyed, and still enjoy (per continued page views years later), my "showboating and hot-dogging" as you call it, or "challenging myself", as I call it. Some people actually admire that, as per their comments. I'm sorry if that bothers or threatens you. Please feel free not to read my songs, and to stick to the simple. I refuse to do less than I'm capable of merely because some people don't appreciate it.

Side note: I've sold a number of parodies to a radio producer and syndicator who had them professionally produced and syndicated to hundreds of radio stations across the US. Although it was certainly gratifying to have my work on the air, I found it less satisfying, because the audience is driving, shaving, applying makeup, eating, talking on cell, etc.; therefore, the songs must be short, simple, and with easy-to-get gags. No subtleties, far-stretched puns, etc. Writing for this web site is -- or was -- far more satisfying because of this freedom of the writer vs. audio, a writer who hopes that some readers will take the time to enjoy it to the max. Alas, many (not all) of the newer writers of the past couple of years seem content to do only the ordinary, versus the best writers when I joined this site in 2006 as a noob. Cheers.
Al Silver - April 09, 2013 - Report this comment
You write of YOUR style. There is only one style that matters: Gilbert's. In this subbing business, the fun is in writing new lyrics which are whimsical in themselves and also comically incongruous to the original style. But you appear to be intent on improving Gilbert's style with dazzling, un-Gilbert-like serial rhymes. Far from improving, these rhymes (and excessive punctuation) come close to making some lines unreadable.
Tommy Turtle - April 10, 2013 - Report this comment
Thanks as always for sharing your thoughts.

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