I have a geeky hobby: I like countries an’ ge-ography
I also dig the solar system; into that cosmography
The winter times of Finland; boy, the length of nights ain’t comical
In Helsinki, a blizzard blew; my gas bill: astronomical

In Sweden, well, complaints are due: the weather’s diabolical
I should’ve worn a beanie: I’ve not even one hair follicle
I’m in Stock’olm an’ it’s freezin’; it’s down to minus thirtyish
(Spoken line)
Ooh, thirtyish, thirtyish…hate it!
(Resume singing)
My pate is full of chaps, for I’ve no hair; it’s feelin’ hurtyish

(Too late for woollen caps, but I don’t care; I’m feelin’ flirtyish)
(A date, with fuller baps; oh, what a pair: appealin’; pertyish)
(A mate I’ll *pull, perhaps; I’ll have her bare an’ squealin’; pert an’ dirtyish)

I had no luck in Sweden, so the travel lass said, “Take ya pick”
Was in the sky; Icelandic plane; then touchin’ down in Reykjavik…(pr. rake-ya-vick)
They spurt: those geysers; hot: their waters; sprayin’ some; seen gushin’ out
My breed: a wacky tourer; tried to see ‘em; had a rushin’ bout

(They hurt: those *geezers; hot: their daughters; prayin’ some: been flushin’ out)
(My need: a quacky curer; tried to flee ‘em; had a crushin’ rout)

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I flew to Oslo, jus’ to see if Norway’s long an’ mountainous
Then off to Copenhagen; saw the *Danish boy piss: fountainous
I booked a flight to Moscow, but I went to inner Siberia
The pilots are so poor: the *ruddy Russians all fly beerier

It…was swell in Riga, Latvia; their hookers were *less bonier
A blow was great in Tallinn: got my rocks off in Estonia
Then I had fun in Vilnius: more head, in Lith-u-ania
(Spoken line)
Ooh, lucky me, mucky me…love it!
(Resume singing)
Then off to ol’ Kiev, where hookers are a touch Ukraine-ier

(In Warsaw, I’m aware that hookers are so much more brainier)
(Of course I had a pair of lookers; wow, I’s much more veiny-er)
(So, Poland is a yeah; the hookers wow; I’ve such whore bonkin’ mania)

Then had a fright in Hungary: a *botty nip in Budapest…(pr. boo-da-pest)
For two days, I was in jail; I was misconstrued a ruder pest
Then short on groovy: crud, an’ suckin’; soak-ery: gone rainier
The liquid was a torrent; chill in Bucharest, Romania

(Then caught some movie: blood an’ suckin’; Stoker-y; Lon Chaney-er)
(The sick vid was abhorrent: killin’ chicks in Transylvania)

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I shagged a whore in Moldova; said, “What a pong, you fishy cow”
An’ I got robbed that night: a trouser rifle-through in Chisinau…(pr. kishy-now)
For rougher whores, it’s Zagreb in Croatia; mine’s one scary cat
My one-eye ho’s a monkey; back is like some ruddy hairy mat

Well, I have bonked in Skopje: I’ve been laid in Macedonia
But when I saw her crack ticks, I was pukin’; she got moanier
Oh sh!t, now I’m s-stuttering; a brutish pimp is slappin’ me
(Spoken line)
Ooh, I say, that’s a hard one, *innit; ‘chap-in’ fee; crap; ow, ow, ow, ow…stop it!
(Resume singing)
He said, “You want the honey”, or else he won’t jus’ be tappin’ me

(He said, “I want the money”, or else he will put a cap in me)
(He said, “Do nothin’ funny”, or else he will soon be wrappin’ me)
(He said, “Do nothin’ runny”, what else could I do but have a crap an’ pee)

So much European shaggin’; I’m so lucky, I’m not in the crap
A scary STD would mean a cotton bud is in the *jap
Of course it mattered: crave the nookie; like a bull, in china shop
One’s hot: the purry *Fiddle, an’ I note she’ll really shine atop

(If coarse an’ matted, shave the Wookey; likeable, if finer crop)
(One’s got the furry middle; on her coat, there is a line o’ glop)