My hairy, scary mongrel mocks me, makes my monthly vet bills full,
I get stretched on our walks; the tether's taut; with strength this pet will pull.
He prizes bones; a bone structure surmounts his eyes; it's temporal,
He'll howl; growl; befoul; pounce, surprise fowl--my surmise: distemperful.

Caring for this canine is quite a grind, I am emphatical!
I'd like to have him dog-sat so I could grab a sabbatical
Or take a vacation to great location, gape agog at views
Of mountains, moors, or fountains where are found no mounds o' dog-shat doos.
Of mountains, moors, or fountains where are found no mounds o' dog-shat doos.

These mounds lie on the ground, turn white from brown, become calciferous,
My feet tread down, my Keds meet hound's mounds; unbecalmed, vociferous,
I snort: "This matter's animal--not veg'table--excremental,
I'll expressly wrest mess from treads lest dreck become sec, cemental!"

I snort: "This matter's animal--not veg'table--excremental,
I'll expressly wrest mess from treads lest dreck become sec, cemental!"

Some people must be nuts--they have two mutts, that is, a pair o' dogs
That sleep on farms and cause alarms and run amuck and scare da hogs
Stuck in a sty; they start to cry, terrierfied and perturbed thus
To see these mongrel monsters that look doggone much like Cerberus.

It's bad enough that these mad mutts upon the lawn dump often these
Smelly pellets; you yell, "Quell it!"--get close and what jumps off 'em? Fleas!
You think you're clear, but they don't hear when you bark: "Don't come in the door!"
You stare in horror at the floor, where territory marking's pour.
You stare in horror at the floor, where territory marking's pour.

You clean the streaming torrents, and you're fluent in cuneiform,
You read 'bout ancient canines and how they'd whine and could pee a storm.
I'm told that old Egyptic holies--this thinking's heretical--
Thought dogs like god Ra; logged this dogma in glyphics hieratical.

I try to keep his feet at heel but squeal at leash unravelin',
I want to head east but the beast bests me, and west we're travelin'.
I need to make restraints of iron; I don my ferrier's hat,
But I spy, the canine's gone; I ponder where my terrier's at.

My friends explain, the dog domain I must make is a runnery,
Where he can play, chase tail all day, on cat engage in humpery,
Although he's spayed, she won't lay down and take the hound's cat battery,
Claws trumping paws; humping cause, shattered; spat; slashed mutt maw: splattery.

I hear can canine college infuse dogs with domesticity,
It imparts canine knowledge, like: on the "Times"-tome text sit and pee.
I still find matter animal--not veg'table--excremental,
Upon the bed; beside the shed; inside my Keds, shredded-dental.

I still mine matter animal--not veg'table--excremental,
From in the bed, from in the shed, from in my Keds. . .vexed, get mental!