I'm very fond of Montel--watch after "Hospital, General."
Unlike crock-full Doc. Phil, he's not fulfilled by talk of genitals.
His guests are not repressed; they're expressive yet not hysterical,
Though I would not go as far as to call them magisterial.

Montel is such a nice chap; in fact, I would call him affable,
He's not like Jerry Springer, who hosts swingers who are laughable,
Montel is sometimes so polite, I think he's got too softened views,
And even though it's not at night, I sometimes feel I ought to snooze.
And even though it's not at night, I sometimes feel I ought to snooze.

He says he drinks much water; on some days he quaffs a gallon-plus,
He helps transgender Gustavus release that sleeping gal in Gus,
His green room is a vestibule where guests rest before guts they spill.
I'm very fond of Montel--hope he stays swell, and I trust he will.

His green room is a vestibule where guests rest before guts they spill.
I'm very fond of Montel--hope he stays swell, and I trust he will.

Montel is cleanly groomed, head a balloon, where there are barely locks,
He's got a little goatee, camouflages, I think, hairy pocks,
He won't butt in when some slut's in a confession that's garrulous,
That chap Montel is fabulous and hardly ever querulous.

When Oprah shows her face, to door I race hotly; I often flee,
When Maury drags his sorry ass onto the glass, I scoff with glee,
But Montel is a model of a man who's never sinned before,
I bet St. Pete's a fan and will let this sweet man right in the door.
I bet St. Pete's a fan and will let this sweet man right in the door.

The critics say daytime TV's homogenous, uniform,
But Montel breaks the mold; he holds his own, though he's not too informed.
He comes off as hip-cerebral, but never as ethereal,
I'm very fond of Montel--watch between ads for sweet cereal.

In verse 4, I gave him a high score for his lack of cavilin',
He's not the kind of guy who'll punch your eye and then rub gravel in,
He's thin and slim and trim; sings hymns; hits gym; on him is nary fat,
He even handles kids, with quid pro quos, those snot-nose scary brats.

With Montel, who's swell, you can tell he'll never yell effrontery,
He's so discrete, rarely shows heat, colleagues could not much blunter be.
Routinely they root in the lives of girls and deem them "slatternly,"
Take them to task for a big ass and scream: "Could you much fatter be?!"

A military posture's not his style; he's not tight, clenched like fist,
Cast his spell on a potchkeh idle guy, who kvelled, "Ein mensch du bist."
His green room is a vestibule where guests rest before guts they spill.
I'm very fond of Montel--hope he stays swell, and I trust he will.

Although his girl guests aren't vestals, and some men guests lack testicles,
Montel is really swell; his show won't dwell on garish spectacles.