I am a svelty model; I binge, purge, and mangia Demerol--
It's edible; incredible's how I look, but ephemeral
Is any job in modelin'; you've got to keep your body thin
And march on ramps in marathons, so speed keeps me from dawdlin'.

A chic chapeau is on my head; I smirk and give the hat a pull,
I sometimes get liposuction, so surgeons give the fat a pull.
At times the press will not relent, and often they have sought my views
About famine in Africa, anxious to fill a slot for "news."
About famine in Africa, anxious to fill a slot for "news."

To keep my bones as strong as stone, I ingest heaps of calcium,
To keep my pits from giving spritz, I'm relentlessly talcing 'em.
Once short, I have had traction pull me; mom is small. . .congenital.
One must stay svelty, lithe, and tall, 'cause modeling's ephemeral.

Once short, I have had traction pull me; mom is small. . .congenital.
One must stay svelty, lithe, and tall, 'cause modeling's ephemeral.

At job's inauguration, my poor breasts were just a pair o' rocks,
To get bust augmentation, I went to see the best pair o' docs,
But they got overeager and made them a bit too globulous,
Critics who once wrote "meager" now describe my tits as "bobble bust."

I'm awfully tense so I ingest Valium; it can soften me.
To pay the rent, I sweat 'neath halogens; endure cacophony
From paparazzi who are praying that they'll snap my skin and more
When doc gets past pap smearing; long lenses shoot up my pinafore.
When doc gets past pap smearing, long lenses shoot up my pinafore.

You ought to see the washing bills for all the goddam uniforms
I have to wear; one hat, I swear, made me look like a unicorn.
Once short, I have had traction pull me; mom is small. . .congenital,
One must stay svelty, lithe, and tall, 'cause modeling's ephemeral.

At one judged show I dressed like Xena, carryin' a javelin;
Jugs-gaping judges pounded it between indifferent gavelin'.
The winner was a girl who wore between her legs a lariat;
Her name was Paris Hilton, video'd in bed at Marriott.

Struttin' my stuff on catwalks amounts to a manic mummery.
Behind my back is "fat" talk; when I hear it--one-hand plungery--
Up comes the torte, it's splattering, along with the ratatouille;
My PR cohort tells press corps: "Oh that? She just spat a loogie."

My eyebrows look like Rooney's;* I pluck frantically till rents are seen,
Groomed hair and teeth are bleached, so it's a must to keep my dentures clean.
Once short, I have had traction pull me; mom is small. . .congenital.
One must stay svelty, lithe, and tall, 'cause modeling's ephemeral.

One must resort to fills and pills; this mock career's chimerical,
One must stay svelty, lithe, and ill and keep 'em bobbed high, spherical.


Andy Rooney, of "60 Minutes," has HUGE eyebrows.