Admiral: I am the very model of a modern Starfleet Admiral.
I'm singing you this song of mine, a trans-galactic madrigal.
I know the founding planets and I quote the fights historical
from "Broken Bow" to "Voyager" in stories allegorical.

I'm very well acquainted too with Vulcans, they're so logical.
I understand their functions, like Pon Farr, that's biological.
About the Betazoid women I'm teeming with a lot of news
with many cheerful facts about Deanna Troi, she's Riker's muse.

Crew: With many cheerful facts about Deanna Troi, she's Riker's muse!

Admiral: I'm very good at engineering and the stuff that's medical.
Communications, I'm an expert, even if it's technical.
In short, in matters chemical, commanding and empirical
I am the very model of a modern Starfleet Admiral!

Carew: In short, in matters chemical, commanding and empirical
he is the very model of a modern Starfleet Admiral!

Admiral: You don't have to be Klingon to be well-versed in security.
Though some of those damn turtleheads are questioning my purity.
I'm good in mathematics and I'm such a good historian
on matters of the Tellarites and tales that are Andorian.

I learned of our alliances and all our wars, I'll tell you, man
of how the Federation's formed after the Earth war Romulan.
Here in the 24th Century, we have got a better life.
And if you don't think so, well people, you had better...
GET A LIFE!

Crew: And if you don't think so, well people, you had better GET A LIFE!

Admiral: I can explain the evolution of the Starfleet uniform
and also those the Mirror Universe's evil loonies worn.
In short, in matters chemical, commanding and empirical
I am the very model of a modern Starfleet Admiral!

Crew: In short, in matters chemical, commanding and empirical
he is the very model of a modern Starfleet Admiral!

Admiral: I know how to fix holodecks, and now you all can enter, guys.
I can recreate every bridge of every ship named "Enterprise."
I know the Captains, every one, from Archer through Jean-Luc Picard.
To memorize them, actually, this task, it wasn't very hard.

And even in Ten-Forward, I can pour you Earth and Rigel beers
though you may not be drinking them if you have got the pointed ears.
You might think Starfleet Admirals should not learn ways of bartender.
But you would not be interested if I were just a carpenter!

Crew: No, you would not be interested if he were just a carpenter!

Admiral: How I got my promotions, well, it's an enduring mystery.
Except, I washed the cars and mowed the lawn of Gene Roddenberry.
But still, in matters chemical, commanding and empirical
I am the very model of a modern Starfleet Admiral!

Crew: In short, in matters chemical, commanding and empirical
he is the very model of a modern Starfleet Admiral!