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Song Parodies -> "Christina Aguilera's Second Try At The Super Bowl Star-Mangled Blather"

Original Song Title:

"Star-Spangled Banner (Offensive Sport Chican'ry[1]"

Original Performer:

Francis Scott Key

Parody Song Title:

"Christina Aguilera's Second Try At The Super Bowl Star-Mangled Blather"

Parody Written by:

Tommy Turtle

The Lyrics

As requested by Warren Baker at his parody of Aguilera's mess, with the poor girl trying to make this version a little more "accurate", so to speak -- I. e., closer to the OS *and* to the "singer" ;)

Oh-oh, lay, men, with me
Dyed a blonde; rarely bright
As so loudly, I wailed
Get the lines right? Vast reaming

Cause: broad's tripe: spends night: bars
'Fore the Steelers-Pack fight
All those da*n parts I botched:
Such untalented screaming

What a mockery there!
I bombed, cursing this air   [2]
Lame goof; clueless blight
That I flagrantly blare

O hey, don't us stars tangle --
-- Man's words, so brave?
Should be banned: such as me
Send them home; Anthem, save

New personal best! A footnote (and pun) *in the OS title*!
Is he good, or what? (Readers reply in unison: "What!")

Actual OP (Original Poem) title was "Defence Of Fort McHenry", because, um, that's what it was about. ... (Check it out some time!) ... and in 1814, British spellings were still used in the US, especially if you were being held prisoner on a British warship at the time of writing, as Key was. ;)

Shortly after being released by the British, Key gave the poem to his brother-in-law, who set it to the British drinking song, "The Anacreontic Song", also known by its incipit, "To Anacreon in Heaven". (*Never* trust your in-laws! ;) The song first appeared in print on September 17, 1814. Two known copies survive.

(Space limitations in the OS Title box required omitting "The" from TOS title, as some have done anyway, and was unable to close the parentheses while still getting in the title add-on/pun.)

[2] "air" - not just the stuff breathed, but "a tune or melody"
(And, of course, TT curses AIR with his drivel. *Another* personal best -- three meanings in a three-letter word! ;-D )

Thanks for the request, Warren! (He made the request to "Francis Scott Off-Key".)

© 2011 Tommy Turtle. All rights reserved. E-mail:

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Original Song: 
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Voting Results

Pacing: 5.0
How Funny: 4.8
Overall Rating: 4.8

Total Votes: 13

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   0
 2   0
 3   0
 4   0
 5   13

User Comments

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Patrick - February 10, 2011 - Report this comment
What other nation has a national anthem nobody can sing? This rendition fits the occasion quite well. I can still recall Aretha Franklin's attempt at the 1968 Democratic convention in Chicago. Didn't José Feliciano get boo'ed off the field when he sang it at a World Series game? His rendition became a model for many who followed due to its lack of high notes. I do have a couple of recordings of the Anacreontic Song. There's a set of lyrics to challenge the memory.
Old Man Ribber - February 10, 2011 - Report this comment
TT - So true! Personally, I don't like to hear the SSB "souled-up" takes the unique genius of Ray Charles (America The Beautiful) to pull it off. We didn't even have an official national anthem until 1931, when the SSB was adopted by Congress. Nice take on a truly infamous rendition. Patrick - Yes, the range of an octave and a fifth makes it difficult not only to sing but to play on brass instruments as well. In teaching, I would play the other contenders (Hail, Columbia; Columbia, The Gem Of The Ocean; America (My Country 'Tis Of Thee); The Battle Hymn Of The Republic; America The Beautiful; and God Bless America (which was not written in 1931). The students then voted and explained their reasons. The results were usually in reverse order of my listing with the SSB most often finishing fourth or fifth. ;D
TJC - February 10, 2011 - Report this comment
A gem, here TT--as lexpertly crafted as your (in)famous Shakespearean soliloquies (Octavius with a 'fifth' comes to mind?) and all too funny n' too true--and thanks for elucidating that little known 3rd definition of the term 'keyning'!
Fiddlegirl - February 10, 2011 - Report this comment
555... LOL @ "Dyed a blonde: rarely bright" :D
Patrick - February 10, 2011 - Report this comment
Hail Columbia is sometimes played, though not sung, at presidential inaugurations. I haven't heard Columbia, The Gem of the Oceans in years. It was sometimes played on TV during my childhood (early 1960's). My favorite is "Battle Hymn of the Republic", my all-time favorite melody and song. I remember it from Winston Churchill's funeral, which shows its universal popularity. And, of course at the funeral for Ronald Reagan. I could see all the atheists turning out to protest "God Bless America", though lyrically, it is quite good, easy to sing, and has the "gravitas" to be a fine anthem. If you are into trivia, look up the instrumental anthem "E Mare Libertas" of the semi-sovereign Principality of Sealand". Now that's a suitably bombastic anthem for a glorified oil rig.
Andy Primus - February 10, 2011 - Report this comment
Doesn't mean as much to me as it does to the other commenters because I don't know the words to the anthem, and don't like the singer or the sport. I'm guessing it would still suck even if she "sang" it correctly. I can't get on with the way these "soul divas" constantly warble. It's funny how it really bugs me when they do it, but I love sitting in a field or forest and listening to birds doing it. I guess that's just another sign of getting old :-(
I've just read a web page with an attention-grabbing headline of "Aguilera brings shame on national anthem". They think that any deviation from the norm is wrong.
One of the replies was "Considering that it was originally written as a poem, maybe she should have just read it instead, huh?"
I bet a lot of people wished that she had.
WarrenB - February 10, 2011 - Report this comment
You know, Christina probably feels quite awful over the entire mess. So we should probably give her a little bit of space.

There, that should be about enough.

Which brings me to my next digression: Few know that Francis Scott Key was not his birth name. He never felt comfortable with his original name, Frank Ghosta Hollywood, especially since he never knew how to relax and since Hollywood hadn’t been invented yet. When he was old enough, he decided to change his name to something appropriate for his future line of work as a lawyer. After he passed the bar, he changed his name to Francis Off Free, a marketing move that he felt would bring him many clients. And he did find many clients, but many thought the ‘Free’ part was the cost of his service. This led to his second name change, and a job change when he decided to become a lyric writer. He felt changing his last name to ‘Key’ would attract composers to his lyrics, and musical history would be made. Unfortunately, he forgot to change his middle name.
But I digress.
This rendition was outstanding, TT, and I'm honored to have been a small part of this creative process.
5's. :-)
Tommy Turtle - February 10, 2011 - Report this comment
Patrick: Any good singer should be able to do two octaves. John Gary could do five. My voice instructor could do any note on the piano, all 88 of them. It's a matter of practice. When in practice, I could go from E2, or even C2 on a good day, and in falsetto, right up there win Marni Nixon dubbing Audrey Hepburn in "My Fair Lady", up to about C6 or higher.
          Unfortunately, turtles don't have ears, so the pitch is always atrociously off, and sends the audience running screaming for the exits. ... Problem is that as usually played, in C or Bb, it's too high for baritone males and too low for tenors. (Same with corresponding females.) Transposed down into, say, F, it could fit both: Baritones F2-C4; tenors F3-C5. DK why no one has thought of doing this. Thanks for v/c.

Old Man Ribber: As Francis ScoTT Off-Key said @ Warren's song linked in the intro:
  e        " ... my long-running peeve, ever since my little ditty began to be sung at sports games, is turning a victory celebration into a funeral dirge. It be a song of GLORY, thou uncomprehending wretches! Pick up the pace! " .. Indeed, it should be sung triumphantly, not solemnly.
            As for brass instruments: Even in Jr. High, a little practice made high G doable on the trumpet. A version in Bb (concert Ab) makes the high F a piece of cake. Still, though, transposition would make it easier. For trumpet or other Bb instruments, how 'bout transposing to G or A (concert F or G), so the low note is G/A below mid C, and the high is an easy D or E.? Thanks for v/C, D, E, F, G, A, B.... ;-D

TJC: LOL @ Octavius V and Keyning -- they should Keyne Aguilera! Thanks!

Fiddlegirl: Thanks ... sorta hoped this one might be right up your (tin-pan) Alley (*not* Kirsty! ;)

Patrick The Movie: "America The Beautiful" has been suggested as a replacement: It's easy for all to sing (small range), and it isn't a war song. "Battle Hymn" is full of violence, but Allan Sherman's parody has one of the greatest/most awful puns of all time. I'd go for "My Country, "Tis Of Thee" if it weren't almost a parody of "God Save The Queen", but hey, TSSB uses a British melody too, so.. ... and yes, there is no reason that American citizens who follow Shinto, Hindu, Buddhism, Islam, or atheism should have one particular religion forced down their throats -- let's agree to disagree respectfully and leave it at that, 'k? :)

Andy Primus: Strictly out of our shared love of syllable-matching (which this was, largely) check out the lyrics to the first verse.

Oh, say can you see,
by the dawn's early light,
What so proudly we hailed
at the twilight's last gleaming?

Whose broad stripes and bright stars,
through the perilous fight,
O'er the ramparts we watched,
were so gallantly streaming?

And the rockets' red glare,
the bombs bursting in air,
Gave proof through the night
that our flag was still there.
O say, does that star-spangled
banner yet wave
O'er the land of the free
and the home of the brave?

TT has done TOS several times, one time syl-matching all four verses in a send-up of politicians:

Did *five* verses once, on a history of the global struggle for freedom, but I'm on a one-plug-per-comment diet , and that one was *not* syl-matched. Thanks for v/c, and cheers!

Long-enough comment now. A break, then on to Warren B.
Tommy Turtle @ WarrenB - February 10, 2011 - Report this comment
LOL at the "space", but I doubt she's of enough mind to feel shame - or to feel much of anything, heh! ... Thanks, both for inspiring a *really* fun write, and for the v/c. :-D
John Jenkins - February 10, 2011 - Report this comment
Very good substitutions and appropriate conclusion. I do think the anthem is worth saving, partly since the anthem itself is a parody (of "The Anacreontic Song," a British drinking song).
Tommy Turtle - February 10, 2011 - Report this comment
John Jenkins: Thank you for the kind words and vote. However, do you think Key intended it as a parody of TAS? Per footnote [1], he wrote it as a "poem", and his brother-in-law took it on himself to set it to Anacreon. So, not an intentional parody, yes?

I think it's worth saving, too, but for the past forty years or whatever, everyone who does it at every sporting event feels compelled to make it slower and s l o w e r..... and improvise. As per TT reply to OMR, it should be sung triumphantly, celebrating the Defence of Fort McHenry.

Also a shame that as our own National Anthem, few know any at all beyond the first verse; probably a lot today don't even *know* that it has four full verses.

You might enjoy the link left for Andy right below TOS lyrics (above), and since TT said "one plug per comment", here is the five-verse version on the struggle for human freedom (which continues in Egypt even as we speak):

Again, thanks as always for taking the time to read, vote, and comment.
John Jenkins - February 11, 2011 - Report this comment
In yesterday's comment, I neglected to mention the wonderful substition of the poem's original title. Turning "Defence of Fort McHenry" into "Offensive Sports Chican'ry" was inspired!
Tommy Turtle - February 11, 2011 - Report this comment
John Jenkins, thank you for the return visit and kind comment! ... and glad to know that TT's word-wrangling was not for naught!
Christie Marie M - February 11, 2011 - Report this comment
Good one, Tom-Tom!! Talk about 'Francis Off-Key', and yes, my namesake alright. LOL!! Christina may botch up the National Anthem, but nothing botched up with this 'Anthem'! Well, your, namesake, your truly, sings 555 notes!!
Tommy Turtle - February 12, 2011 - Report this comment
Christie Marie M: She has disgraced your good name! But I got revenge for you, mwahahaha!!! ... and happy to do it!!! Thanks for the v/c!!!
2Eagle - July 07, 2011 - Report this comment
I agree with Fiddlegirl. Take Christina - please!
Tommy Turtle - July 07, 2011 - Report this comment
2Eagle, a/k/a Henrietta Youngman: Um, no thanks... but thanks for the read/v/c!
Peregrin - August 29, 2012 - Report this comment
"I bombed, cursing this air" Doncha just love it when you can use a word (let alone two) that were original, leave them in the same line, but get to use them with different meanings? That doesn't happen a lot.

In Aus, we similarly had someone who had recently sprung to fame (read: won some sort of 'talent show') totally balls up the anthem at a football final. Some of her words were intelligible - the la la la hum hums were not... (rolls eyes)
Tommy Turtle @ Peregrin - August 29, 2012 - Report this comment
"Doncha just love it when you can use a word (let alone two) that were original, leave them in the same line, but get to use them with different meanings?"

Totally! .... I try to, when possible, but agree it's a (delightful) challenge. Thanks for the comment, and for letting us Yanks know that we're not the only ones suffering from the trashing of our national song by self-styled "singers".

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