I have had a dozen hexes from my multitude of exes
In the battle of the sexes all I get is shock and awe
They’ve all stung me like a nettle; I’m no longer in fine fettle
Over time, they’ve wrecked my mettle – mettle that I can’t restore
There are many times I’ve uttered: “Settle down with kids galore”
I don’t say that anymore

I once had a girl called Vicky who was wanton but not picky
So one day she had a quickie with the guy from number 4
Just a week before our wedding was the thing that I’d been dreading
When I saw my neighbour heading – heading out of my back door
In the bedroom, clothes were scattered; bedding ruffled on the floor
Dumped her quick, I can assure

And another’s name was Maggie who wore jumpers that were baggy
She had tits that were so saggy they would nearly reach the floor
Way she ran was rather sloppy, like a beaten up jalopy
If I ribbed her, she’d get stroppy – stroppy bitches I abhor
She thought girlie movies mattered; soppy films are such a bore
I like blood and guts galore

And another’s name was Nicky who was built just like a brickie
If I ever took the mickey, she would punch me on the jaw
If my mouth I wasn’t hushing or the john I wasn’t flushing
Then I’d pretty soon be rushing – rushing through a medic’s door
With my mouth and nose all battered; gushing blood out on the floor
Such a feisty bitch for sure!

And another’s name was Jenna who I rogered in Vienna
But she only cost a tenner ‘cause she was a junkie whore
I had thought about not buying but I needed satisfying
When I saw her I was trying – trying hard to just ignore
She was smelly, damp and spattered; dying for the chance to score
It was crack she did it for

And another’s name was Billie who I met in Piccadilly
She was such an eager filly, so I knew that I would score
At my house, she started stripping; cuffed me tight so they were nipping
Then she did a stint of whipping – whipping till my butt was raw
But the bitch then left me fettered; dripping sweat from ev’ry pore
While she stole my iPad 4

And another’s name was Cherry who would guzzle pints of sherry
She did fuddled more than merry, so she soon became a bore
She loved hearing glasses clinking; ev’ry evening she’d go drinking
By eleven she’d be stinking – stinking drunk and on the floor
Then at closing, off she tottered; slinking in at half past four
All next day her head was sore

And another’s name was Maddie who had been my golfing caddie
She said, “Be my sugar daddy”; she was only twenty-four
Summer days were hot and sunny; she went at it like a bunny
‘Cause I gave her lots of money – money for new stuff galore
Now my savings have been frittered: funny, she ain’t here no more
Doesn’t want me now I’m poor

And another’s name was Cassie who was fun and rather sassy
But I thought she was too gassy: she could clear a disco floor
So mephitic was her farting, it would leave my peepers smarting
I just knew that we’d be parting – parting company for sure
When we did, she felt embittered; starting fights with me galore
Dumping women makes them sore!

And another’s name was Geena who I met when I was greener
But I found she had a weiner and I threw her out the door
I had brought her home while Squiffy and she’d stripped off in a jiffy
Then I saw her massive stiffy – stiffy standing to the fore
“F-f-flipping heck”, I stuttered; miffy after that for sure
Lady boys are not my draw

And another was Callista who did threesomes with her sister
But the ever-lucky mister was that guy from number 4
I once came home at one-thirty; hoped the sisters would get flirty
Caught the threesome being dirty – dirty on my kitchen floor
They all looked at me and tittered: shirty after that for sure
I’d been beaten to the draw

And another was Fiona who I met in Barcelona
She could always cause a boner in the dresses that she wore
Micro minis were the trigger that would make a thingy bigger
She was always full of vigour – vigour, boys and toys galore
Such a shape could not be bettered: figure was a thing of awe
Many saw her in the raw

And another was Camilla; big as any male gorilla
With a face so full of filler it would make you all guffaw
I had met the hefty trollop when I lived in Middle Wallop
Apple strudel she would gollop – gollop strudels by the score
When the hunger came, she uttered: “Dollop cream on twenty-four”
She could clear a strudel store

And another was Miranda; through our time I would philander
‘Cause she mated like a panda: once a year and then no more
And she’d say, “It’s ‘cause he’s cheating that I’m always overeating”
To her girlie friends when meeting – meeting at the coffee store
They’d be whinging as they chattered; bleating on and on till four
They all thought I was a boor

Yet another’s name was Pippa who once tried out as a stripper
But she stunk just like a kipper that was rotten to the core
So a smell like fish decaying hit the punters who were paying
At the moment of displaying – splaying wide upon the floor
Then the punters quickly scattered, saying: “Smelly effing whore”
As they bolted out the door

Yet another’s name was Betty who was keen to get all sweaty
So I had her by the jetty on the Littlehampton shore
Soon I wasn’t very cheerful: “You’re so small, I’m nowhere near full…
What I wanted was a rear full but you’re failing on that score”
I must say, I wasn’t flattered; tearful after that for sure
Heard it many times before

With each verse, it gets much harder; I’m now coming up with nada
So I’m off to raid the larder, then a brandy I will pour
Of these verses you’ve been viewing, most have had a major skewing
Guess it could be my undoing – doing fiction that will bore
But I wrote this stuff and tittered; spewing anecdotes galore
‘Bout the chicks I’ve had before

Eighteen verses can get boring so I hope you’re not deploring
If you feel the need for snoring, you can leave a lower score
So much time I’ve been expending; hope you made it to the ending
I just knew that I’d be sending – sending this one in for sure
With more time it could be bettered: mending lines I think are poor
Changing bits and bobs galore