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Song Parodies -> "The Mission of Tsar Nick-the-Bits"

Original Song Title:

"A Visit from St. Nicholas"

Original Performer:

Clement Clarke Moore

Parody Song Title:

"The Mission of Tsar Nick-the-Bits"

Parody Written by:

John A. Barry

The Lyrics

In the nights before fix-in; most Russkies were soused,
But one was directing each hacker with mouse.
“The sites must be sprung,” he said. “When they’re laid bare,
I’ll send all we nick to Assange, who will share.”

Mere children, these geeks, ductile brains in their heads;
By the nick-data dictator these thieves were led.
His plan was to play the US for a sap.
He grinned as he listened to each click and tap.

The hackers typed on; they had no time to natter,
They’re on the front lines of this state-sanctioned matter.
This bits ripoff project did not require Flash,
But there was a shitload of data to cache.

They zoomed in on Podesta’s email and stole
All they could, ’cause it was their dictated role.
A few days later, end of the hack was near.
There’s Hillary to slay so that Trump may reign here.

From all the hard drives they sent all they’d stripped, quick…
Beat even Nixon in realm of dirty tricks.
Then rapidly stolen troves to Assange came…
Rap-beating rapist who plays the dat[a]ing.

“Wow, data’s found fast sure; I’ll blast it out quicker.
I’m on it, I’ll do it and act as Vlad’s fixer!”
Our system he’d help scorch; their goal was the downfall
Of one; install the other in hallowed halls.

Election day came, and the tensions were high.
But the pundits were trumped; they got poked in the eye.
The Hill was a shoe-in; that’s what they all knew.
Culled the popular vote, but the College said, “Screw!”

Hill’s winning by three million votes offered proof:
The College, a superannuated goof.
In other countries where democracy’s found,
He/she who gets the most votes wins the election round.

CIA quickly learned: Something had been afoot
A bit later they knew where the blame should be put.
The Russian war criminal had led the hack…
A break from bombing Aleppo Stone-Age-back.

Meanwhile Trump was dissing the CIA very much
As were his Tsar-gazing House stooges. Scary!
Ron Reagan, who rests in a grave dug below
Must be spinning; his party now digs his old foe.

To the Evil Empire there came great relief:
Their boy won, in part due to the data thief.
The news was released in print and on the telly—
There had been a breech, and the outcome was smelly.

Vlad is chummy with Trump, but there’s just no one else,
But Ivanka, Trump loves half as much as himself.
Quite twisted, this guy with the thing on his head.
A lot of us know that there is much to dread.

Surrounded himself with a circle of jerks,
Who prefer dictators to democracy’s works.
The swamp won’t be drained; just will get a new dose
Of fetid fellas; you’ll need to clench your nose.

In Moscow Putin’s wetting his champagne whistle,
Toasts the shampaign of his boy with rug of sisal…
Orange-maned; office claimed—the results turned out right
For the hacker-in-chief/megabits thief who helped bring us the blight.

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Voting Results

Pacing: 2.6
How Funny: 2.6
Overall Rating: 2.6

Total Votes: 10

Voting Breakdown

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    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   6
 2   0
 3   0
 4   0
 5   4

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