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Song Parodies -> "D.H.S. Vid"

Original Song Title:

"Easter Parade"

Original Performer:

Bing Crosby

Parody Song Title:

"D.H.S. Vid"

Parody Written by:

Old Man Ribber

The Lyrics

The 1950s were the "golden" age of short cheaply-produced poorly-written horribly-acted black and white educational films. In this decade and the following one, school children were treated to a deluge of these masterpieces on an endless range of vital subjects such as hand washing, bicycle safety, proper school bus etiquette, crossing streets correctly, ad nauseum. The military had theirs as well - how to salute, proper uniform care, the correct methods of garbage can cleaning, and those amazing venereal disease prevention films. The originals today have become "camp" classics and I feared that this genre of cinema had become a lost art. I was quite wrong. They're still out there today, only now they are full color affairs employing out-of-work actors and writers extravagantly produced at government expense. There are moments in the latest Department of Homeland Security video about dealing with workplace violence and mad gunmen that approach anything ever seen in this type of production. Specifically, it reminds people seeking cover in the event of a mass shooting to grab a pair of scissors to fend off the assailant. Perhaps this is why parents have always admonished their children NEVER to run with scissors! ;D


When an insane gunman
Starts shooting, try to run man
If you can't duck for cover
Says the D.H.S. vid.
Crawl under a table
Or your desk if you're able.
"Grab scissors" - you'll discover
In the D.H.S. vid.

If you're scissors armed,
You won't be harmed.
Still you shouldn't use them facing
The full magazine of some kook's M-16.

Heed what we're advising
In our proselytizing.
'Til guns are outlawed, lover.
See the the D.H.S vid.


(Instrumental chorus to bridge)


If you're under fire,
Remember, squire:
'Though your heartbeat may be racing
Just whip out your shears and jab them in their ears.

Danger is abated.
All guns get confiscated
Except those undercover!
Watch the D.H.S. vid.





I selected the Bing Crosby solo version of the original tune. Granted, I've lived a rather sheltered life, but I can't conceive of hearing the following words in a gang rumble on the mean streets of Chicago - "Watch out, man! He's got scissors!" ;D

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Pacing: 5.0
How Funny: 5.0
Overall Rating: 5.0

Total Votes: 9

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User Comments

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AFW - February 01, 2013 - Report this comment
Fine spoofing from the cutting edge - shear poetry
Rob Arndt - February 01, 2013 - Report this comment
Heck, they should have just showed "Leave it to Beaver" eps back then! I got annoyed with the wash your hands routine and every meal Wally and the Beaver drinking oversize glasses of milk for growing boys!!! 555! Hey OMR, could you do a parody about "Red Asphalt?"
Tommy Turtle - February 01, 2013 - Report this comment
Not nearly so stupid as the tiny Turtlet's Cold War drills of "duck and cover" in the event of a Soviet nuclear attack. Yeah, being under that 1/2" plywood desk will make all the difference when a 20-megaton nuke falls nearby. (Warm, turtle-friendly waters weren't all that far from Cuba.)

Good spoof, but I have a better plan: Grab your own .555-cal. gun and shoot the b*st*rd yourself.
Old Man Ribber - February 02, 2013 - Report this comment
Thanks all. ;D
Dave W. - February 04, 2013 - Report this comment
Most of the scissors in schools have rounded edges... yeah, that'll do a lot of damage, it can hardly cut paper
Barry J. Mitchel - February 04, 2013 - Report this comment
Well done, OMR. Permit me to add this extra stanza:

With your paper scissors,
You'll halt the killer's whizzers.
You'll save the crowd in cellar
And bring peace to first grade.

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