As I walk through the valley of retail theft
I take a look at this town and realize there's nothin' left
'Cause they've been stealing things for quite so long that
Even my momma thinks that their minds are gone

But when I went to a Macy's, I felt so sorry
'Cause I saw a big guy stealing stuff in a Harley
And this town's not doing a damn thing to stop it
'Cause these young punks will never stop pulling this s***

I saw a guy steal some perfume to smell like a queen
It's the worst kind of epidemic San Fran has seen
'Cause if these folks keep stealing stuff like a whole bunch of jerks
A lot of stores are gonna close, putting more folks out of work

We been spending most our lives
Livin' in shoplifter's paradise
They've been stealing more than twice
Livin' in shoplifter's paradise
Some guy stole a Hershey bar
Livin' in shoplifter's paradise
These robbers here are so bizarre
Livin' in shoplifter's paradise

A local guy stole some lipstick last week
He then stared at me, and kissed me right in the cheek
Well, this guy is such a prick and I don't wish him well
These jerks are killing this town and taking it straight to hell

I never punched a shoplifter even if he deserved it
A robber being kind? you know that's unheard of
They even steal other things like milk and some eggs
I saw a guy steal some pantyhose to look like he's gay

I'm at a San Francisco Rite Aid, and what do I see?
Some guys wearing some ski masks stealing Thrifty ice cream
The shoplifters in this town stoop way beyond low
Will this epidemic end? I don't know

From jewelry to toothpaste, and even small bars of soap
These jerks continue to steal, maybe 'cause they smoke too much dope

We been spending most our lives
Livin' in shoplifter's paradise
Theft in San Fran's spiking high
Livin' in shoplifter's paradise
Guys in lowriders stealing gas
Livin' in shoplifter's paradise
They're more than just a pain in the ass
Livin' in shoplifter's paradise

Stealing lots of stuff, what more can I say?
Saw a jerk with some hemorrhoids steal some Preparation H
They don't even care, they don't even have a heart
There a guy stealing clothes and he even left a fart

Theft in the bay is up 300%
These thieves flee and the police have no clue where they even went
More stores are closing because of these a**holes
This damn epidemic's getting out of control

We been spending most our lives
Livin' in shoplifter's paradise
They make a little baby cry
Livin' in shoplifter's paradise
Some guys stealing M&M's
Livin' in shoplifter's paradise
When will this epidemic end?
Livin' in shoplifter's paradise

(Ohh-ohh-ohh-ohh-ohh
ohh-ohh-ohh-ohh-ohh-
ohh NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!)