I was driving down 11th, going 40
With some farmer's market constantly bickering
When suddenly, a quaint antique shop on my right hand
Popped right up and had three open parking spots
I parked with my tailgate hogging the remaining
Two; I crept inside the outlet
No one watching the front desk or the stairs or the door
I thought they all went out of business
But about that time a goon jumped out at me!

I scream, and then he clears his throat and shakes my hand
Says his name is Louie, owner of the Louie Antique Store. So
I ask if I can buy some goods. He tells me

Everything's been locked for years
Everything's got some dust, blood, sweat, and tears
Yeah, everything I got hasn't been
Touched by some 40-year-old
Everything's locked up for years
Like the cancelled pilot reels for Cheers
Now get outta here because, here
Everything's been locked for years

I was walking through a door I thought said "Please Come In"
When I flipped the switch and found a lovely wonderland of antiques
Yeah, they had like some trinkets, doorbells, cabinets, and one
Old Funko Pop of Jamie Farr
The owner of the items burst in
And he handcuffed me by
The neck, to the aged Tonka bus
And while I choke there, pleading mercy
He offered me his phone sarcastically
Where I'll try to call 911 or 988

And so I took the phone from his hand. I dialed my wife
And I look at the Tonka again
And then the words of Louie filled my mind and
Breaking off the cuffs, I yelled out

Everything's been locked for years
Somewhere, he's hiding hundred-year-old beers
But then I wonder why he was hiding
Stuff. He's got no money
Everything's locked up for years
See, that old cassette with Britney Spears
If it's played, it detonates, so
Everything's been locked for years

I was just about to turn myself into the hospital
'Cause the scissors I just licked has lead
But then another door caught my eye
I rushed in and beheld the tour
De force! Why, it's an old plate used to store some
Carbon-14 or
Some Uranium-two-thirty-five
Strontium-90, Iron-60
I kept on guessing 'till old Louie

Said, it's got Tellurium-one-twenty-eight
And I take a look, but there is nothing in the source
It's all disintegrated
Running out of there, I'm screaming

Everything's been locked for years
There are better old clocks and slacks at Sears
And now I think that every antique shop in this old
Town, they matter nevermore
Yeah, they're all greedy, selfish people
Everything's locked in for years
Just forget I saw the first John Deere
Now get out, I'll kick your butt, 'cause
Everything's been locked for years
Everything's locked up for years!