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Song Parodies -> "Birds And Bees"

Original Song Title:


Original Performer:

Spice Girls

Parody Song Title:

"Birds And Bees"

Parody Written by:


The Lyrics

Yes, those birds and bees, aka the 'talk'. Sung from the perspective of the poor mother. Fun times for all!
Well, it's time you had the talk, yeah, you know, the special talk?
That really awkward talk, that we hope you ain't heard of
So, it's time we gave the talk, so you don't look like a dork
When your resume reports, that you believe in the stork
You gotta, you gotta, you gotta, you gotta
You gotta know the, know the, know the thing called

When we both were younger - me and your dad -
We both wanted some children, and pretty fast
We knew we didn't have to waste time
For the stork to get here, what we had to try

Was put your father's thing, into my private thing
You know, that little thing, that's there inside your jeans?
We're telling, we're telling, we're telling, we're telling,
We're telling you all this, Alex, because of a simple fact:

You are gonna have a brother
Or maybe a sister, well (maybe a sister, well)
It's a little early, kinda hard to tell
Still, you're gonna have a sibling, and so it all fits
For us to tell you now, though you are only six!

Why you shaking like that? Did I just creep you out?
I sure was when I was young, when I found out
The truth sure scared me, pretty sure I cried
Your dad felt so queasy, he threw up ten times!

So, now you've heard the talk, yeah, the really special talk
How people came to be born, are you gonna stand and gawk?
You better, you better, you better, you better
You better never, never, never tell your friends the talk ah!

That's the birds and bees, my son-ah
Please don't share it with your friends (don't share it with your friends)
They are still too young for the secrets of sex
But since you'll have a new brother
You've learnt it real quick
If I wasn't pregnant, this talk we would've skipped

Hey, where you going at lightning speed?
You gonna cry? Do, please! We will give you plenty of peace
Why you op'nin' the door? You room's a diff'rent floor
Don't run, please, we're sorry, where'd that hole come from?
In the fence, I see some tiny dents, what, your saw's been pinched?
He's gone next door, oh no, dear God
His friend lives right next door, he's spreadin' round the talk
His friend lives right next door, he's spreadin' round the talk

Now that blasted talk is spreading
He's telling all of his friends (telling all of his friends)
They'll be scarred forever, wish I'd never said
"That's the birds and bees, my son-ah", I am such a twit
Should've kept my mouth shut, it wasn't my business!

'Cause you see, the birds and bees talk
Is never, is never, is never, is never
Is never told, told, told, told (It is never told by)
Told by mum and dad, he's got teachers for that
Told by mum and dad, he's got sick friends for that
Told by mum and dad, he's got uncles for that
Told by mum and dad, he's got strangers for that

That is what I've learned, dear reader
*Mrfrdmphr has five syllables: "mer-fer-der-mer-fer", but without the vowels. Named for my brother's nickname for Gilmore Girls, which came from his reluctance to actually say that he was watching Gilmore Girls. Now basically the whole family except for my Mum calls Gilmore Girls "Mfrdmphr". We're weird like that.

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Original Song: 
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Voting Results

Pacing: 5.0
How Funny: 5.0
Overall Rating: 5.0

Total Votes: 11

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   0
 2   0
 3   0
 4   0
 5   11

User Comments

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Matthias - April 14, 2009 - Report this comment
Well done T-Cop! I enjoyed this one it was a very original idea, because I never seen you write about sex before. Great stuff! Keep it up!!!
Mark Scotti - April 14, 2009 - Report this comment
Great title sub, and very well done!
Below Average Dave - April 14, 2009 - Report this comment
Please tell me this talk didn't wait until you recently turned the big 18 did it? Fun title from you and frankly to a song sang by a bunch of girls who know way more about the birds and the bees than anyone, 555
bobpiecheese - April 15, 2009 - Report this comment
Dave: I never got the talk. Neither did any of my siblings, as a matter of fact. We just sorta learnt the truth by ourselves. Don't ask me how, I can't remember.
Mark Scotti - May 15, 2009 - Report this comment
SOTM - enjoyed this the first time. Even better on second read!
Leo Keough - May 17, 2009 - Report this comment
SOTM - Really liked the last verse...How true...nice write...555!
Claude Prez - May 18, 2009 - Report this comment
See, that's one of my favorite things about the internet. I don't have to worry about telling my kids any of this stuff; they already know more than I do. Anyway, the pacing-syllable-emphasis stuff was a little rough in places but overall a fun read; nice job.
Peter Andersson - May 20, 2009 - Report this comment
I remember getting it all mixed up back then, I though it was "the birds and the beers", i.e getting drunk and flip people the finger...
Matthias (SOTM) - May 29, 2009 - Report this comment
Thankfully due to the Internet and current television my parents never thought to actually give me the talk, thank God, because that would have been really awkward. I liked this parody a lot T-Cop!
Phil Alexander - May 30, 2009 - Report this comment
What Claude said.. :-)
Glen S - May 30, 2009 - Report this comment
Rough to follow in some places, but I enjoy your narratives and appreciate the effort a fast-paced song like this takes.
Below Average Dave - May 31, 2009 - Report this comment
(SOTM) See Above
Invisible Boy - May 31, 2009 - Report this comment
I liked it TCOP.
I'm scratching my head a little because you've told me a couple of dozen times (including this SOTM round) that you don't like parodies about sex. Unless you don't think this is about...hmmm...maybe we need to have "the talk" ;-)
Arwen - May 31, 2009 - Report this comment
SOTM...oooh, I can just imagine the awkward winces and squirms from that conversation. Ewww. I also never had "the talk" with my parents...not sure if they assumed I'd figured it out, or if they hoped that, by keeping quiet, I never would. ; )

One question you really watch the Gilmore Girls? ; )
Jeff Reuben - May 31, 2009 - Report this comment
SOTM: Very clever idea to put this into a song. Fortunately, I had a granny that took care of all of that with me. Creeped everyone else out though.
bobpiecheese - June 01, 2009 - Report this comment
IB - this was the first idea that popped into my head when starting to write this parody. Arwen - nope, but my brother does.

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