Damn, man
No one give me lies
Don't give me that, somebody ate 'em all last night
Who was it?

Empty cookie jar (cookie jar)
You know who you are (you know who you are)
May think that you're smart (but you're not so smart)
Sayin' jack so far (bugger all so far)
Wanted some cookies but it's not your place (no, no)
To just decide when you'll have them, uh-huh-uh-uh (yeah-eah-eah, yeah)
So I'm gonna find who scoffed them, uh-huh (uh, yeah, yo, yo) (no, no)

Know you get hungry
You want snacks to eat?
Don't be sneaky, please, you can just ask and see
You steal snacks and I'll get mad, really peeved
So I ask you all: who stole the cookies?
Anyone gonna tell me? Stop squirmin' and confess, please
Don't prolong this dumb scene with the kid who stole the cookies
No, Peter, can't claim amnesia
That excuse won't fly with me, cause I'm a truth-squeezer
So tell me, son, you remember what's for lunch?
Sandwiches with cheese, that's correct, but has it dawned
On you that that's proof your mem'ry ain't gone?
So stay put, son, I won't stop with this inquisition
Find the thief like that, like a snack-themed Sherlock Holmes
Hope I stay mellow, might ban your Nintendo
Should know that I'm not kiddin' here, hell no
C-C-Cause I take cookies so seriously, now you know

Empty cookie jar (oh)
You know who you are (oh-oh-oh) (no, no)
Soon the guilty arse (uh-huh) (oh-oh)
Will admit their part (ooooooooh) (no, no)
Just 'fess up to me, I won't smash your face (no, no)
Though I'm quite tempted to do it, uh-huh-uh-uh (no, no)
May be mad but I'm still lucid, uh-huh-uh-uh (it's true)
Though I might come close (no, no)

My heart may be sore cause I can't snack no more
Least 'til the stores unlock all their Star Trek doors
But I abhor much more violence, I'm sure
I won't find the dork thief with a right hook to their jaw
So I'm askin' you four who opened my snack drawer
Tryin' real hard not to flip out and roar
Got methods to find who's guilty (yo)
So first up, I'll need your alibis, promptly please (yo, yo, yo)
"We didn't do it, okay, all yesterday
I was playin' games with Peter, Simon and James"
I did hear Mario Kart 8 sounds yesterday
Along with lots of swears, so that checks out okay
But what you didn't say gives your snack theft away
Covered the day but not the night, Ray
And because I've previously slept through an earthquake
Is the best time to go take my fresh cookies away

Empty cookie jar (c'mon, uh) (oh)
You know who you are (oh-oh-oh) (no, no)
Sneakin' in the dark (oh-oh)
But the question mark (ooooooooh) (no, no)
Is who is the thief? I'll find out today (no, no)
Yes, I'll discover whodunit, uh-huh-uh-uh (no, no)
You'll pay for another packet, uh-huh-uh-uh (yeah)
Yeah, yeah (no, no)

So to see who's gonna face the punishment, stay
In place and observe the cam'ra that I put in place
Press play on the vid tape and the display
Will show which of you four is gonna be to blame
You're laughin' at the TV display?
Shouldn't at least one of you be runnin' away
To escape the punishment I've already devised?
Let's see what's makin' you break out in smiles, cannot believe my eyes
I see me walkin' up with my eyes still shut
Didn't know I was a sleepwalkin' schmuck
Well, this ain't good, I was the snack-thievin' hood
But didn't enjoy 'em like one should

Empty cookie jar (oh)
I'm the guilty arse (oh-oh-oh) (no, no)
Now I'm sad at heart (oh-oh)
Yelled at you too hard (ooooooooh) (no, no)
I ate my cookies in my sleepy state (no, no)
Well, guess that solves that whodunit, uh-huh-uh-uh (hahahahahahahaha) (no, no)
Which brings an end to this summit, uh-huh-uh-uh (yeah) (no, no)
Dumbarse (no, no) yeah, yeah
Empty cookie jar (yeah) (oh)
I feel like an arse (oh-oh-oh) (no, no)
Facepalmed pretty hard (oh-oh)
It still kinda smarts (ooooooooh) (no, no)
Could you forgive me? (show me mercy)
Don't leave me disgraced (don't be jerks, please)
As just a conclusion jumper, uh-huh-uh-uh (oh-oh-oh)
You can understand my hunger, uh-huh-uh-uh (oh-oh-oh-oh-oh)
Oh, eeh-hee, ow