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Song Parodies -> "B's Are Best (And We Ain't Talkin' Report Cards Here!)"

Original Song Title:

"Be Our Guest"

Parody Song Title:

"B's Are Best (And We Ain't Talkin' Report Cards Here!)"

Parody Written by:

Tommy Turtle

The Lyrics

For the past four years, every time TT thinks he's done all of the "Big 7", someone adds one, or changes the list, or otherwise says he's still shy of completion. This had *better* be the last one! :-) :-)

TT DKTOS and DKTOM (movie), and has no desire to see it. Couldn't transcribe lyrics from YouTube video due to thick French accents and the chorus singing *under* the sound effects and music - and not enunciating too well -- so had to go by this web lyric. So blame any glitches on that transcriber.;)

TURTLE: (doing all parts - so to speak! ;)

Ma chere Madamoiselle, it is with widest eyes
And lustful pleasure that I will come; you, too, might.
Oh wow, it must bite you in the back
Let me unsnap it -- there!
As your fine bazoom pertly presents:
My dinner!

B's are best! B's are best!
They're the firmest kind of breast
Get that halter off your neck, cherry!
And I'll do all the rest
Virgin, pure?
Case of nerves?
But you own well-chiseled curve
Why, that "A" stuff:
It's nutritious
Please relieve me! Grant my wishes!
Ding-a-ling: doing dance
You willl miss, not, underpants
A clear winner here, I pass the "ass-id test"
Go on, uncross your arms, dear
Just one glance: alarms here!
B's are best!
You possess:
B's: best chest!

Double D's
Some gals own
Surgeon's "pudding": silicone
C's are fair; deserve a stare
An aereola e-rect: yay!
How they've grown
Lovely, bared
'Neath the blanket, are we paired
If you'll do me, I'm not feigning:
On my bat, there's purple-veining
You provoke: my tongue flicks
On your swollen nipples: licks

What a ball! It's such a waste --
-- If we don't pet
Give me your gift en masse
There's none that can surpass
With B's, you're blessed
Too compressed:
Too confining when you're dressed

E's: excessed! I confessed! I detest!
Sink to *her* knees 'stead of chest
Rather play with, any day:
My friend, Cat's "A": full of zest!
D's will spread! They will droop!
In one hand, you cannot scoop
Too much "meat" will misalign her!
They will grieve her with angina!
That much "pork"; no appeal
I''m abstaining from that deal!
Why, so many guys, so juven'lly obsessed?
They quake about some wh*re
And give her twenty more
An endless quest....

I don't jest!
I attest:
By firm chest, I'm impressed!
They're real, "live"; pass "pencil test" [1]
I get bored by giant gourd
I've had firm nips 'gainst lips, both, pressed
Wet T-shirt: works for me
Or, my dear, swim topless-ly
While your cups do their fine dewin'
I'll be wooin', I'll be cooin'
I could swarm on that dot
Feelin' aches 'n gettin' hot!
Eat it up! I love the nubble, not Mae West

I'm glad you never grew!
Nor t*t: huge lumps accrue
Let's get abreast!
Hope I've stressed
And expressed
My behest!
I detest "udder" mess; Pam: divest [2]

I find far more nerve ends
In a girl with smaller curve ends
Spread them all across a sprawl: sensation's gone [3]
Ah, those good old B's are each one mouthful
Suddenly, they're putting fakes thereon
Men cheer, and they're lusting
Needing so much more: disgusting!
As they exercise their shvantz on useless shills
Most guys want to play around and "rassle":
Flabby fat! They're crazy!
Been talked into values, hazy

They had best change soon lest -
-- Have a cardiac arrest
When appears there's only phony bodies here
How depressed!
Lacking zeal, only D's -
-- Do the deed, or them, can please
While those idiots: wads, blowing
On the chick: most cleavage showing
"Bea" and I: so much fun
'Til she shouts, "My muff is done!"
Then we'll snuggle close and sleep spooned, back-to-chest
All night, she's had her feet up
Not a cow, just B-cup
I've assessed
All the rest
I've possessed
Those B's are best!

[1] "Pencil test" - as referred to in the song linked at "A".

[2] Referring to Ms. Anderson's desicion to have her bazongerous implants removed and replaced by merely knockerous ones.

[3] TT's Theory of Taste, or Why Organic Produce Is More Nutritious And Small Breasts Are More Sensitive:
(go ahead, skip it -- I'll never know. ;)

A fruit or vegetable presumably has genetics in its seed providing for certain levels of nutrients. Artificial fertilizers and other measures designed to force growth beyond its natural size merely divvy up that amount of nutrients across a larger fruit or vegetable, resulting in a given quantity of said produce containing a lower level of nutrients. No wacky turtle here: simple lab tests consistently show that organically-grown produce is more nutritious, ounce for ounce or gram for gram.

By logical (?) extension, if the sensitive portion of the human breast contains, say, 100,000 nerve endings, then if those are all in an area, say, an inch or so across (~2,5 cm), there will be more of them affected by any given stimulation than if they are spread over an area two or three times as large (= four to nine times the area, since area grows as the square of diameter.)

For some strange reason, with all the stupid studies that our tax dollars fund, no one has conducted controlled studies of this. You'll just have to take the author's uncontrolled personal experience and word for it.

(Without neceasarily referring to personal knowledge, it's known that some women can have their gongs rung even while staying north of the Equator, if ya git my drift. And they tend to be the less-excessively endowed. Tommy Turtle: Defender Of Small Fenders!)

TT's B7 now - he "thinks":

American Pie: (1) (2)   Co-written with Fiddlegirl: (3) (4) (5)

(this one)

Blinded By The Light ("spicy", probably not to some readers' tastes)

Bohemian Rhapsody

Major-General: (1) (2) (3) (4) (5) ) (6) (7) (8) (9) (10) (11)

Supercal: (1) (2) (3) (4) (5)

"Wreck-Ed" Fitzgerald: (1):(2)

Please don't get TT started on how frightening, evil, and *malicious* so-called "fairy tales" are for children, or anyone else. Telling them is child abuse, IMHO. For girls, implanting unrealistic expectations (This one, and the Worst: "Cinderella", which became "Pretty Woman", except that the kitchen maid was made a street wh*ore -- great role model for girls and young women, eh?) and frigidity (Slam-dunk analysis: "Sleeping Beauty" -- if it's not self-evident, and anyone cares, feel free to ask. Or not to.) For boys, trying to frighten their natural curiosity and terrain-exploring instincts (got us to the New World and to the Moon) into docile obedience. (Throw them in the oven? Nice.. Would be R-rated for violence if H&G were written as a movie today. Great for a six-year-old -- how Grimm!.)
Figured it was safe to rant here, since nobody reads these outro comments anyway (especially because they'd have to get past all those plugs first. TT could describe plans here to destroy the world, and no one would see it.) OK, got that "off my chest", so to speak (how apropos!)

© 2010 Tommy Turtle. All rights reserved. E-mail:

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Voting Results

Pacing: 4.7
How Funny: 4.7
Overall Rating: 4.7

Total Votes: 14

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   1
 2   0
 3   0
 4   0
 5   13

User Comments

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Mark Scotti - September 16, 2010 - Report this comment
'B" for bravo on this marvelous write!!! Gets you five(which is an "A" here!!)
Patrick - September 16, 2010 - Report this comment
There was a good parody of this song in a episode of "The Simpsons". Mr Burns sang "See My Vest" as he sashayed through a wardrobe filled with clothing made from people's pets and endangered animal species. If you had gone there you might have found it easier to understand. Which raises the question: Is a parody of a parody still a parody of the original song?
TJC - September 16, 2010 - Report this comment
Marvelously composed, TT, with an incredible buFFet of rhymes, riffs and rapacious wit--you truly 'B' at the top of yer game and are certainly breast for success! And congrats on scaling the final 'peek' of Big Seven with areola winner--something I have yet to accomplish...sigh--

My only slight concern revolves around what may lie in store for your poor Aunt Bea...
Old Man Ribber - September 16, 2010 - Report this comment
A tiTTilating parody. My second of The Magnificent Seven will be posted Monday. in the meantime, bravura work here...A Beauty from the aquatic Beast! ;D
MsBusyBee - September 16, 2010 - Report this comment
Sir, you are correct: B' s are Blessed, SenorTaTa !
John Barry - September 16, 2010 - Report this comment
I'm impressed by how you've expressed "chest."
Belle - September 16, 2010 - Report this comment
You really made the most out of those B's. (Smirk).etc. ; ) How DO you get away with it? I will say nothing more....except 5's
Christie Marie M - September 16, 2010 - Report this comment
(Applauds): Bravo...that was wonderful, Turtle! Congratulations, this officially completes the "Tommy Turtle TTackles The Big 7" collection! I myself am working on my own Big 7 parody: TWOTEF and so far I've gotten 2 verses done...plenty more to do, of course. I'm so glad to suggest this OS to you. I've got your mail and yes, so glad to be your guest on this one, of course! Like those B's...they're buzzing around with 5's! LOL!!
Tommy Turtle - September 16, 2010 - Report this comment
Mark Scotti: Or a V (Roman), heh! Thanks, Mark!

My best guess
If it still scans, I say yes!   Thnaks for v/c (not a Simpsons fan, thanks anyway.)

TJC: Sleep with my aunt? Sheep, certainly! But my aunt? That would be *sick*! :-) (giving the parody gf a name, rather than merely objectifying her as a s*x object - who would ever do that to a fine lady?) ... Just a punny name for a lady with the cup size in question. Thanks for v/c!

Old Man Ribber: "Beast", huh? See yesterday's reply to your comment about evolutionary scale (Don't think you saw it) -- turtles are far above humans! ... I don't do Mondays, and am feeling burnout/breaktime from all these MG/B7 parodies, but will try to remember to watch for yours. If I haven't v/c'd by Tuesday, send me an email reminder. Thanks for v/c, insult and all! :-D

MsBusyBee: Ah, more tit-bits of personal info from ~She o'th'LittleCupCakes~ ? Thnaks for agreeing, Lady BeeBee!

John Barry: Well, somehow, "thoracic region" didn't scan quite as well to OS... Thanks for v/c.

Belle: I bribe the webmaster -- and I will say nothing more! :-D (except "thanks")

Christie Marie M: As always, the energetic enthusiasm is *so* appreciated!!! Not to mention the applause... Good luck on TWOTEF, and if I'm not around, send me a heads-up when it posts! Thanks for all of that!
Lon Jerray - September 16, 2010 - Report this comment
Help support curvy gals! ;) 555
AFW - September 16, 2010 - Report this comment
I firmly agree with your Fill-AH-sophie
Ann Hammond - September 16, 2010 - Report this comment
he he he he he he he
Tommy Turtle - September 17, 2010 - Report this comment
Lon Jerray: I do, I do - every chance I get! -- but hopefully, not for life. ;) And as far as Nomes de plumes go, we'll just keep that "Victoria's Secret", heh! ... Thanks for taking time to read, and now, let's get you out of that wet lingerie and into a dry martini... :)

AFW: LOL!! Sophie on the sofa -- well "couched"!

Ann Hammond: "Seven" "he"'s? I do believe that's a new personal best for TT from AH! Thank you!!!! :-)
Matthew Miller - June 16, 2013 - Report this comment
I went to the original song on YouTube to follow along as I read the parody and this isn't in order.
Tommy Turtle - June 19, 2013 - Report this comment
Matthew Miller: I wrote it to a combination of a web lyric and a YT video, and tried to follow. Please see the introduction as to why I parodied a song I don't know and couldn't get accurately transcribed. Thanks for stopping by.

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