BARTON*: Mr. Chairman, it is with deepest pride and greatest pleasure that I introduce my most significant piece of legislation this year – a bill to outlaw the most devious defiler of holiday fun since Ebenezer Scrooge.

BCS! BCS!
We’ll clean up this football mess.
We should first fix the economy,
But we just couldn’t care less.
Budget cuts? Middle East?
Those discussions should be ceased.
Here in Congress, it’s outrageous,
Obfuscating is contagious.
We can sing, we can dance,
We can do indignant rants
About problems we prefer not to address.
If voters send us e-mails,
And want precise details,
We digress,
We digress,
We digress!

SUBCOMMITTEE*:
Why should we pass real laws
When we can play Santa Claus?

BARTON:
And support the world of sports
With special measures just because…
And since sports
Are such fun,
We might even get things done.
Now since baseball is so boring
Some new laws we are exploring;
With legislative tricks
Baseball’s dullness we will fix.

RUSH*:
First, even though the world heard
Pete Rose confess
Since Congress has no shame,
We’ll make the Hall of Fame
Pete’s new address!

BARTON:
In Congress,
We don’t care if you transgress.

SUBCOMMITTEE:
We transgress,
You transgress,
We transgress,
In pursuit of happiness!

BARTON:
Let us say that we dismay
When double plays are in excess!
Against them we’ll crusade
With a ground ball cap and trade!
It’s a treat for any batter,
If his average can get fatter,
But it’s still a dull game
With base runners acting lame!
So can anyone relieve all this distress?

SUBCOMMITTEE:
We are the ones who can,
We have the Congress plan,
So we say, “Yes!”

BARTON:
We say “Yes!” We say “Yes!”
We will help this sport progress!
Runs will score forevermore
Because of our kindheartedness.
Tax credits are the way
We reward and give away;
We hope lots of runners get it -
Our new stolen base tax credit!

SUBCOMMITTEE:
Now that we’re on a roll,
We won’t stop ‘til we control
Ev’ry single sport from bull fighting to chess!

RUSH:
We like to rearrange,
And football needs more change
Than just the BCS.

SUBCOMMITTEE:
BCS?

RUSH:
BCS!

SUBCOMMITTEE:
BCS!
BCS!
BCS!
BCS!

BARTON:
Turnstiles will be clicking
When we kick out the place kicking;
And a fan’s attention span will escalate
When we in Congress get ourselves involved
And deal with the thing that fans most hate:
“Three-and-outs” are boring,
So we’ll interject more scoring
With the “three-and-out” czar that we designate.
Most days we just randomly debate,
Without goals or focus,
This came up and hocus-pocus:

RUSH:
BCS! BCS!
Caused such great unhappiness
That we knew we had to make our sports debut
With heedfulness!
So thank us for these laws
That take care of all these flaws.

SUBCOMMITTEE:
All this talk of legislating
Has been so invigorating!
We have pondered quite a lot,
We’re on fire! We are hot!
Now we will pursue our ultimate success,
The reason for us to serve,
To get what we deserve:
We recess!
We recess!
We recess!
We love recess!